As some of you know, I am running for president.
Sure, it's been a quiet campaign so far - no tv ads, no radio spots, no post-convention bump. But, that's not going to dissuade me from leading this country back to prosperity. It's time the American people get to know me better. Time you all start subscribing to the Wonderhorse way of thinking. Which is why I'm going to debate tonight. I'm going to debate like the wind. Seriously, I'm going to debate the shit out of those other two guys.
Trust me, these two idiots have no idea what's coming their way. Of course, I had a few demands that had to be met before I agreed to take part. First, I'm strictly against podiums, so I will be standing behind a midget holding a half-sheet of plywood over his head. Why? Two reasons: one, this will help me connect with blue-collar voters, becuase everyone knows blue-collar voters love half-sheets of plywood; and two, this will show that I'm serious about getting America's midgets working again, one midget at a time. You may scoff, but clearly, the other two gentlemen have not even mentioned midgets during their campaigns. Translation: they hate midgets. Not me, I love the little bastards. Listen up, midgets: you will have a friend in President Wonderhorse.
Second, I plan to show I'm a no-nonsense kind of guy who can tune out all the white noise around me. Therefore, while my opponents are talking, I will simply ignore them and work on the engine block of a '73 Gremlin. Look who just won Michigan.
If by chance, one of them does say something that catches my attention, I will just shout out "Balderdash!". Hello, seniors vote. Everyone knows the elderly respond well to words like "Balderdash". I might even throw in a "Dagnabbit" just to lock up the hillbilly vote as well.
To show that I'm whimsical and don't take myself too seriously, I refuse to wear a suit. Instead, I will be wearing flip-flops, MC Hammer pants, and a Flock of Seagulls t-shirt.
"Say, Sheldon" you say. "How do you plan to lock up the female vote?" Simple: during the entire debate, I will be nursing a newborn from my teat. I think that will show that I'm sensitive to the needs of children, which is always attractive, and that I refuse to be locked into society's gender "expectations".
We've all heard that Mitt Romney has been working on "zingers" all summer, right? Well, if he starts throwing anything my way, I'm just going to say, "The Governor is promising a chicken in every pot. And a dog on every roof". Yowza! Mitt just got zung! Oh, and do you hear that, Mitt? I just won the PETA vote. Don't fuck with the Shel, my friend.
In order to connect and lock down the working man/college fraternity vote, everytime one of them says "Freedom", I'm doing a Jager-bomb. I think that will really humanize me.
Oh, and don't think I've fogotten you Wall Street types. Any time one of them says something I don't agree with, I'm simply going to hit them upside the head with a sock full of quarters. If anyone can appreciate a sock full of quarters, it's Wall Street types.
Finally, during their final remarks, I'm just going to make out with Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Why? Because she's a hellcat in the sack.
Yessir, President Wonderhorse has a nice ring to it.