I was walking along, minding my own business, when I espied a midget walking towards me. I realize it is politically incorrect to refer to someone as a midget. I know "little person" is the preferred moniker. I'm not a little person, so I fully realize I'm the wrong person to… Read full post »

Please. I'm begging you.

Stop doing your Christopher Walken impression.

You sound nothing like him. In fact, you just sound like yourself, only much much lamer.

I'm not trying to be a dick here, but seriously, you really sound nothing like him. Don't be offended - it's a hard voice… Read full post »

What is the price of fame?

Normally, fame can cost you hundreds, if not thousands of dollars. But, for a limited time, we're offering you fame for the rock bottom price of $39.99!

That's right! Here at the Wonderhorse School of Fame and Fortune, we are offering you the chance… Read full post »

Former Vice President of the United States Dick Cheney has declared war on pickles.

"Why can't I get this damned jar open?!" Cheney was overheard screaming yesterday inside his Wyoming home. Insiders have said the former VP was "bright red" and expected his struggle with the uncooperative jar of Kosh… Read full post »

Yesterday, I wrote about someone breaking into my car for no other reason than to have a smoke. I put forth the theory that it would be kind of cool if it were a sasquatch. Well, color me surprised when I walked out to my car this morning, and standing there,… Read full post »

I got thinking about my car this morning.

I drive a 1992 Ford Crapmobile, and I have to say, I have disliked it from the moment I saw it. Why did you get it then, you may ask. Well, short answer - I was living in Chicago, and since I… Read full post »

A little late to the party, but what the hell.

 1. Who was your first prom date?

Well, I like to call her Mom Wonderhorse. She was a great date. Bought me a steak dinner, and really dug the limo I rented. Wouldn't put out, though. I don't know how Pops… Read full post »

I got thinking about funerals today.

No, I'm not planning mine (but if I were, it would totally kick ass. Lemmee tell you, my funeral is going to be the social event of the season. People are going to scalping tickets, selling their firstborns, whatever they can do to get into… Read full post »

I'm at a complete loss. I really have no idea what's going on.

Last night, we got home from doing an inspection at our new house (that's right, the Wonderhorse Love Emporium will soon be changing locations), I had some leftovers for dinner, while the Future Mrs. Wonderhorse packed for… Read full post »

Seriously.

What's a guy gotta do to get a bowl of Cocoa Puffs?

I mean, I walked in here - you watched me walk in. I sat down - you watched me sit down. You watched me as I looked around to all of the other people in here, wondering to… Read full post »

I got thinking about Katherine Heigl today.

I don't like thinking about Katherine Heigl. She annoys the piss out of me. I don't know the woman, and more than likely, never will, but I'm pretty sure if I did, we wouldn't get along. I take comfort in the fact that I'm… Read full post »

Dear Chainsaw-Wielding Maniac,

How's it going? I hope life is treating you well. I'm not exactly sure what you were barbequeing the other night, but I had to admit, it smelled quite tasty and the whole neighborhood was swathed in the tempting odors of mesquite.

So, we've been neighbors for… Read full post »

Duke, the loveable talking Irish Setter of tv commercials, was taken into custody this morning after the late-night mauling of Jay Bush. Bush, of the Bush's Baked Beans dynasty, is in critical condition from multiple contusions all over his body.

Details are sketchy, but police believe… Read full post »

I got thinking about birthers today.

Birthers, as everyone knows, are the crackpots who refuse to believe Obama was born in the US, even though the birth certificate has been released and certified. These are the same people who were secretly hoping that Arnold Schwarzenegger would run for President.… Read full post »

That's right - you best watch your ass. You've been warned.

I'm a kung-fu'ing sonofabitch.

You don't want to mess with me, pal. You think you do, but you really don't. I'm telling you, if you do mess with me, you best make sure your insurance policies are all paid up,… Read full post »

Hi there.

Yeah, I know you didn't see me. You know why you didn't see me? Because you didn't slow the fuck down like you're supposed to, that's why. Do you see that sign right there by the on-ramp - that red & white triangly-shaped thing? See, that's what we… Read full post »

Friends, I'm here to talk to you about a disturbing trend in America. A trend that if it isn't stopped now, will escalate into a world-wide epidemic. I'm talking about, of course, Duck Whacking.

What, you may ask, is Duck Whacking? Duck Whacking is the practice of catching a live… Read full post »

I got thinking about Rupert Murdoch today.

I'm not happy about that. It's my free time, and I don't want to be thinking about Rupert Murdoch during Sheldon Time. Therefore, I've decided that I'm going to punch Rupert right in the junk.

Look at him. He's like an Austrailian… Read full post »

It is decided.

Today, I will buy new underpants.

Yessir, I'm gonna head out today after work and get me some brand-spanking-new underpants. I have to admit, I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'm not much of a shopper - in fact, I kind of hate it, which probably… Read full post »

I got thinking about the Squirrel today.

Everyone knows our pal, the Squirrel. He's our resident restauranteur, Glenn-tormentor, Fleegle-afficianado, and soon-to-be pops. He's also ridiculously funny, as if you need me to tell you that. There is a downside to our rodent friend, however. We… Read full post »

Hey guy, how you doing?

Look, I don't know who you are. Perhaps we've met, perhaps not, but that's really neither here nor there. I know nothing about you except that you like Columbia hiking shoes (I like them too, by the way). I do have to say something, though,  but realize,… Read full post »

Wow.

I really can't believe it's not butter.

I mean it looks like butter. It smells like butter. It has butter-like consistancy. I mean, for all intents and purposes it really should be butter.  I mean, if I was living in Iowa, I could probably take this and carve a… Read full post »

 As we all know, our pal Squirrel had some problems with a fella who was a bit too interested in Wife-a-saurus' boobs. Reports show Squirrel has taken matters into his own hands, and pity the man who tries to get an eyeful next time:

 *************************************… Read full post »

Now you too can own a piece of Wonderhorse history! That's right, The Wonderhorse Ranch (aka Casa de Wonderhorse, Xanahorse and/or The Wonderhorse Love Emporium) is going on the market. You see, I looked around, saw the housing market was in the toilet, people are losing their jobs, celebrities… Read full post »

I got thinking about Michael Jackson & Farrah Fawcett today.

Like most, I was surprised by Jackson's death; Fawcett's not so much. They both certainly earned their icon status - I never had Fawcett's famed poster, but I did have a jigsaw puzzle of the poster. Trust me, as a 10-year-old… Read full post »