Above: Eggert in his mancave, designing his next revolutionary vidyaweapon.¹

 

 

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Shorter Pascal "Firearms Don't Kill People, Politics Do" Eggert, The Firearm Blog²

On Guns in Video Games

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• I work for Crytek, the world's leading producer of obtuse tech demos, and spend too much time on 4chan's /k/ so it's CLIPS, not magazines.  Wait...oh shit, I messed it up again.  I'm sorry guys, I really am.  Also could a real manufacturer please produce the overdesigned plastishits I linked at the bottom of the page so I can include them in later Cry-tekdemos?

 

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‘Shorter’ concept created by Daniel Davies, perfected by Elton Beard, and lifted from Sadly, No! We are aware of all Internet traditions.™

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¹ Kidz Korner: Kidz!  There's one gun in this picture that won't catastrophically fail on you when the communists come for mommy and daddy.  Do you know which one it is?  Pick wisely, but fast!  Daddy can only beg for his life for so long.

 

²Well gul-durn it Jesse, looks like there'n be only room for one firearm in this 'ere blurg, on accountin' a the usage a th' singl'r.

CUE a duel at high-noon between anthropomorphic guns.  There's the stare, the twitchy fingers, and— *BANG*  We hear: Urk!  Fade to black before anything is revealed.  The director is bludgeoned backstage and the production becomes a whodunit becomes a horror shock show when the entire cast is killed on stage and the audience is doused in pigs' blood.  The screenwriter comes on stage and turns out to be a reanimated William Faulkner, who informs the audience that Yoknapatawpha County's rich sense of place has transmogrified into sentience and the County is trying to kill everyone while floating above Lafayette County a la, um, an artificially delineated geographical area floating above another one.  The audience, disgusted by this hackjob of a show, goes to demand their money back but finds that everyone speaks in a Southern accent now.  They are in Mississippi.  They live out the rest of their new Southern lives in slackjawed disillusionment.  The curtain falls to wild applause.

 

Tom Chick has other words you should read.