It's incredibly unlikely that you are actually one of the 1%, but an awful lot of "regular" people seem to think they qualify. These 1% wannabes have taken it upon themselves to vehemently oppose the actions by the #OccupyWallStreet and #wearethe99% movements, and insult those taking part in them. Because these 1%-wannabes are part of us--just deluded--because they appear to be too lazy or too deep in denial to change that, and despite their opposition of the forces fighting to ensure that we ALL earn enough to maintain a decent, basic standard of living--meaning a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, food in our bellies, electricity, running water, transportation to work, healthcare and retirement--here's a little test to help them accept the reality of being one of the other 99%.
You may be one of the 1% IF...
You don't actually do anything that could be considered "work", but the shareholders overpay you anyway;
You know that a shadow corporation isn't a company that does business related to Halloween, black magic, or Satan [because you use them on a regular basis];
You have more money than sense;
You've ever tossed the cops a few high-end Brie-and-Beluga-caviar canapes to look the other way while you pee on poverty-stricken bystanders from the sunroof of your limo;
You don't have to worry about bad press, because you OWN the press;
Your unpaid taxes have more shelters than you do;
You know what a PAC is, and you didn't learn it from Stephen Colbert;
One of your favorite activities is riding through the ghetto in your bullet-and-missile-proof limo while pointing and laughing;
You think "trickle-down" economics really works, because you were the kid gleefully pouring water on the unfortunate child in the bottom bunk;
You've never set foot in a mobile home;
Every one of your hemorrhoids are the result of suppressing hysterical laughter while accusing the average 99% Americans of practicing class warfare against YOU;
You've seen pigs on a balcony, drinking champagne and relieving themselves on the peons below...from the perspective of the pigs;
Your inheritance constituted much more than a busted-down shack, Grandma's recipe book and whatever spare change you could dislodge from the couch;
Lobbyists make the top ten on your expense report;
You think the comedians on the Blue Collar Comedy Tour are speaking a foreign language;
You once purchased a town via black AmEx, because it was there;
You've ever been responsible for the extinction of a species because you wanted to know what it tasted like;
You drive a vehicle that has less than 18 wheels, cost more than $100,000 and is guaranteed to survive Armageddon;
You really believe that people can survive on minimum wage;
You employ someone who used to head the SEC;
You've ever paid attention to a 40-foot stone owl with the voice of Walter Cronkite;
You won't hang out at Camp David or spend the weekend in the Lincoln Bedroom because the decor is "too plebian";
You know that a "golden parachute" isn't something that helps you survive while skydiving;
You complain about the cost of "dirty" illegal immigrants, but employ them for less than minimum wage to watch your kids, clean your houseand maintain your landscaping and swimming pool;
You've ever received a multi-million dollar severance package for doing your job BADLY;
You were happy on 9/11 because the SEC evidence that caused you to purchase majority holdings in the soap-on-a-rope industry was destroyed;
You think the federal poverty level is too high;
You've ever had to pay your back income tax bill in order to keep your Cabinet appointment;
You see your accountant more than you see your children;
You wholeheartedly support the implementation of a policy requiring surgical removal of the tongues of the Swiss bankers upon whose silence your standard of living depends;
Your co-op board hides from YOU;
Your chauffeur/housekeeper/au pair/maid/private chef pays more in taxes than you do;
Your corporation receives billions of dollars annually in taxpayer-funded subsidies, you post record profits every year, and you haven't paid federal income tax in over a decade;
Your tax return exceeds 1,000 pages and requires an entire platoon of accountants and tax attorneys to prepare;
You have ever purchased an election, favorable legislation, or a federal judge;
Your actions have ever been responsible for crashing the U.S. economy!!!
Trust me, you're one of the 99%. Accept it, then share your story at http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/ , and do your part for #OccupyWallStreet http://occupywallst.org/ by attending, speaking, providing essentials, or just get the word out by sharing and linking the latest news the mainstream media refuses to report.
We can make a difference. 99:1 are pretty good odds; we just need to take advantage of them.