Sucker Punched: Cheeseballs, Brickbats & Random Violence
So, have you heard about the “cheeseball murder”?
A 39-year-old woman in Sydney, Australia, Sarah May Ward, driving while high on alcohol, cannabis, Ecstasy and Valium, responded to taunting by young men who threw cheeseball snacks at her car by getting out and exchanging some blows before returning to her car, aiming it at one of her antagonists, hitting and killing 21-year-old Eli Westlake before her car plunged down a flight of stairs. On Thursday, April 22, she was sentenced to 25 years in prison for murder, despite her claims that she hit the accelerator by mistake in her fear and desire to get away from the men.
So why is this Australian story all over the international news? Senseless killings over petty matters occur every day, from road rage to drive-by shootings to alcohol or drug-fueled fights that lead to death. Simple answer: A woman did it.
Ward’s actions, including simply getting behind the wheel of a car with any one of the four substances she had coursing through her veins, are of course reprehensible. The young men’s actions, while obnoxious, didn’t even rise to the level of simple assault until Ward confronted them. Yet her feelings of both rage and fear at the taunting of men will be familiar to every woman. The difference between her and other women is that Ward fought back. (Perhaps it was because she had practice: In 2000, she stabbed her husband twice during a boozy argument, although she managed to call for medical help afterward. Clearly this was the wrong woman to throw snacks at.)
Ward’s gender is relevant because I’m willing to bet that the young men would have been hesitant to antagonize a male driver, especially one showing the clear signs of intoxication that Ward was (driving on the wrong side of the road). They would know that a fellow male might well respond to such provocation with violence – no matter how mild-mannered he seemed at a glance. I’ve been repeatedly surprised at how many of the otherwise pacifist, calm, reasonable men I’ve known who have angrily responded, emotionally if not physically, to provocative male behavior. There’s more than ego at stake here; it’s some kind of primal dominance dance that men get into with each other.
(I’ll never forget the co-worker and her husband who were stopped by punks demanding her purse at knifepoint, only to have her husband belligerently defy them. This was an opera director who seemed the last man likely to respond to a physical threat with other than prudent acquiescence, and having never seen this side of him before in 20 years of marriage, his wife was stunned – and worried, as she knew the best course was to let the guys have what they wanted. She handed over her purse and they took off.)
Here the tale takes a turn. At exactly this point in writing this essay, I had to stop because the woman we rent our house from came by to check on a plumbing problem. On the way in, she’d questioned the workers building a fence next door about whether it was higher than code allowed and thus cutting off visibility for cars exiting our garage. Not long after, the contractor in charge knocked on our door to ask what we’d wanted, and when our landlady explained her concerns, he immediately became enraged and belligerently ripped into her, yelling (among other things) that “you’re the kind of person who’s what’s wrong with the world” – an accusation that he repeated to me when I finally spoke up as well, leaving us both shocked and shaking. I find it hard to believe he would have felt as free to yell at two men the way he did at two harmless middle-aged women.
After trying a few reasoned responses that weren’t heard, I walked away, refusing to engage, a tactic I learned growing up with an angry parent, but my adrenaline was surging and still is as I write this. I’m angry and upset at being unfairly attacked – and at having no good way to respond other than to leave.
And this was precisely the feeling I was imagining this morning as I read the story about Sarah May Ward, a feeling that the universe in its irony conspired to present me with today. It is the feeling of every woman who’s been attacked, verbally or physically, even if the physical act is as harmless as a cheeseball. Every woman has had countless incidents of male taunting in her life, starting at ages that aren’t even within coherent memory, continuing through all her school years and into everyday adult life, as when she walks down the street minding her own business, only to be catcalled at and humiliated.
Most women suffer no such ill treatment in their personal lives, but we can’t escape it when we venture out in public, and sometimes (as it did today) it even comes knocking at our front door. And unlike men -- who of course also endure similar aggression by other boys/men and also sometimes from girls/women -- we rarely fight back, especially with men who are strangers to us. We know that even verbal responses are pointless at best and risky at worst, because they may enrage the taunter and endanger us further. And physical responses are out of the question when the other person has superior strength and size.
I doubt that Sarah May Ward really hit the accelerator by accident while trying to flee, but that a woman (even a sober one) might make such a panicky and fatal mistake is entirely plausible to me, given the intense fear as well as anger that most women feel when strange men act aggressively towards them. Over time, women grow to hate the helpless feeling of being the repeated object of such behavior and wish they could make it stop. One woman plunged the pedal down and did the unimaginable for a harmless prank while millions of other women suffer silently every day from far worse aggression. One is news; the other is such old news that we don't even hear about it.
But there's a male version of this story, too, and it took place this past week in my own city of Oakland.
A 27-year-old Chinese-American man, Jin Cheng Yu, came from San Francisco to Oakland to visit a coin shop, and as he waited for his father, Tiang Sheng Yu, to park the car, two young African-American men walked up and sucker punched him without saying a word. When his father heard the story, he insisted that they locate the men and when they did, he asked them in Mandarin why they had punched his son for no reason. In answer, they assaulted the father, causing him to fall and hit his head. He died on Tuesday, and two suspects are now in custody on murder charges. It’s a tragic case that has made the local news in a way that the endless cases of gang and drug related violence don’t.
Were the two men targeted because they were Asian? After careful consideration, the prosecutors declined to file hate crime charges, saying it was more a case of young men looking to take out their anger on anyone who happened along, after drinking and “grousing” about their lives for hours. Yet the place and victims they chose raise questions in my mind.
After thirty years in Oakland, I can tell you that you don’t “diss” someone even verbally without knowing you’re risking a violent response. The young men under arrest live here and have juvenile criminal records and so surely know the rules. Why else did they choose to pick their fight on a usually peaceful downtown street in broad daylight, rather than in a part of town where far more violence occurs? Isn't it likely this young man and his father looked harmless to them, the type who would take a sucker punch and not fight back?
But violence is always a sucker punch. Even when it feels justified for ill treatment we’ve received, it’s never fair and it’s never right. A cheeseball is not a fist and a fist is not a car, but anything hurled in hostility is too much.
And not just because you never really know who might decide to fight back.
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Comments
My first thought is that this story about a woman committing the homicide is unique mainly because women do this sort of thing far less frequently than men, so when they do, it is intriguing.
You write, “I’m willing to bet that the young men would have been hesitant to antagonize a male driver.”
Perhaps, but I would not bet money on that assertion. They may have been responding solely to her bad driving with no real attention to gender; we don’t know. But your report of the case in San Fran would seem to question your gender thesis. I also have personally been involved in actions such as the cheese ball throwers (in my teens, of course) and I would never have done it to a woman, only to other males.
As for accidentally hitting the accelerator, it is definitely plausible; I’ve done it before. I know other people who’ve done it under less stressful conditions.
Considering your anger based on a sense of persecution for being a woman, I think we all deal with some type of persecution in our lives; some is worse, I guess, but feeling angry about it is something we all experience.
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Rick, yes, I think it's precisely how uncommon it is for women to retaliate that makes this an international story. So why is that? Why are women so often victims of at least harassment but also violence and yet rarely fight back or even speak up? I think it's because we are socialized not to and also that there is a real danger in doing so, as we are often punished in some way or may even risk our lives if we fight back (against a stronger opponent). And doesn't that perpetuate things, because women are seen as easy targets who won't fight back? There seems no good choice here.
And I do know that boys and men act out against others of their gender, but I think they choose their targets more judiciously, even if it's an unconscious choice -- they don't throw things at the pick up truck with a hulking guy behind the wheel, and I think they'd be far less likely to throw things at an inebriated male driver than a woman. Same for the male victims in this story -- they didn't look threatening. (and they weren't) My point is that I think in the vast majority of cases, targets aren't random.
Irish, that's a terrible story. You're right, there are a lot of senseless tragedies due to stupid human behavior and carelessness. Add in a weapon like a gun and there are too many ways things can go wrong. And I think your fear is every parent and grandparent's nightmare, too.
AKA, I agree. Per my comments to Rick, above, I think there is some truly random violence but that it's a very small percentage. I think that most perpetrators choose their targets to a large degree, even if within that target grouping (which may be as simple as "people who look like they won't fight back"), the particular person chosen is random.
Lea, I've heard so many stories like yours from women, about men who come to work on their homes! Also car mechanics, etc. And my sister just relayed a recent story about a guy who hit her car and behaved in a threatening and harassing way afterward. Most women I know have had many of these experiences, and they keep happening your whole life. It wears you down.
I understand her outburst. I don't think she would have been correct to run the cleric down.
And I think it interesting - and I live in the Bay Area, too - that, to explain this happening on Telegraph Ave., fercrissakes, that the prosecutors declined to press hate crime charges since the men had been drinking and bitching about their lives for hours.... That doesn't sound very prosecutorial to me.
OTOH, I didn't ever think hate crime charges would be filed. There's was no witness attesting to hate speech being flung about, etc. It IS, however, murder, whether you want to lower it to Second Degree or not. (I'd say it's a very aggravated Second Degree.)
The whole damn thing, here in Oakland, is very very sad. I feel so bad for the son, who feels incredibly guilty that he even told his father about the initial attack. But Oakland's got lots more problems, and cutting their budget and pulling back on services, including police officers, will not solve them. I only hope that if - when - Jerry Brown gets elected, we'll see some viable solutions.
I know tried to help Kim Doan. Lawyers screw anyone, black, blue indigo, white, green-flying-purple people eater-people, and they rob and kill for a dollar or a mango.
I heard of Goat Cheese Balls.
Jalapeno Goat Cheese Balls.
It;s appetizer or snack-food.
hey disappear fast on a table.
Eh,
`Um compliment beer or wine.
You need Good Goat Cheeses.
Buy pimento and stuff olives.
Morels can be cheese stuffed.
Them, smoke Mandarin cigar!
Oakland?
O MPeace.
Interesting discussion.
You write, “I think it's precisely how uncommon it is for women to retaliate that makes this an international story. So why is that? I think it's because we are socialized not to …”
I get what you’re saying. And I agree that there are elements in society that treat males and females differently. I do not see that as being in doubt, and there are definitely societal elements that target women in any number of ways.
Assuming we are speaking here solely of physical violence, I do, think, though, that there is more in play here than merely social conditioning. In effect, society attempts to condition ALL of us to not react violently, with varying degrees of success. But watching little children play, it becomes clear that there are inherent differences between males and females in how they react to their environment. I don’t think that difference goes away, even though its appearance may become less obvious due to social conditioning elements.
There are biological differences that account for the fact that women don’t react violently (generally, with exceptions) as often as men do, which I do not submit as any kind of excuse for violence. The point is that women are inherently less likely to react as violently as men react.
I think the man who was attacked in San Fran very likely seemed unthreatening to his attackers. But on the flipside of that, we have the fact that the father went looking for those guys, who definitely must have seemed threatening to the father, but he went anyway. Of course, he paid a high price.
Another point is that in both cases, the group of men throwing cheese balls at the female driver and the two men attacking the one man, we see an issue of numbers. Given the advantage of numbers, it is likely that the group of men throwing cheese balls would have done so regardless of the solitary driver’s gender. Outnumbering your opponent is always a motivating factor in the decision to attack.
I also suspect that in both cases, specifics had influence on results. In the case of the woman driver, she was, as I gather from your post, driving erratically, which probably initiated the attack. In the case of the Asian man and his black attackers, it seems that there is tension between blacks and Asians in some areas and that may also have been a motivating factor.
The comments by irish colleen and the traveler point out the idea that there are many factors involved in many of these events. However, the woman was apparently “high on alcohol, cannabis, Ecstasy and Valium” as per your account, so all bets are off, I think, because the issues are so murky there that we could never sort them out. But I don’t think the assertion that she was attacked solely because she was a woman holds up, and I don’t think her story is international news solely because of social conditioning.
I think you’re right that many acts of violence that somehow appear “random” are not, and that we just don’t know the specific issues of the events. These things need to be looked at case-by-case, not lumped into one big pile of persecution. It is true that many men “target” women because they are an easy target, but it is equally true that many men make an extra effort to NOT target women for the same reason. I’m just sayin’ …
Emma, I know the feeling. The contractor next door is still here today and despite being told not to approach, has continued to be aggressive and hostile towards us and also got into an argument with a woman on the street who asked him a question. Yet when dealing with the neighbor who is employing him, he's a "mellow" guy. So neighbor can't quite believe what we're telling him as he gets the laidback version. These types of guys know exactly who to act out with and who not to. It's quite calculating and quite chilling, as you describe. I know exactly why you feel unsafe and need to move. I can't wait for this guy to finish the job and be out of here!
Traveler, that's a really interesting case -- having something religious imposed on you in a situation you're required to be in. On the one hand, it's not that big a deal, but it could feel quite oppressive. But yes, as I say in this post, nothing justifies violence.
Connie, I think the hate crime charges became irrelevant once the father died. Then it's murder, and not just assault, and so they didn't need to bolster the charges by adding the hate crime element which generally needs to have epithets etc to support it. These guys are unlikely to fair well anyway - the evidence seems there (witnesses, video, etc) and they have absolutely no excuse for what they did. I expect them to plead to something like manslaughter rather than even going to trial. And yes, I agree that given all the problems in Oakland, the case is getting outsized attention. I think because in most other murders here, there's a presumption (fair or not) that the victims did something to deserve it. But not here.
Art, thank you for the wishes of cheese and peace to my city. We have plenty of one here and not nearly enough of the other.
Rick, lots in that comment! First, I agree that it's all quite complicated and not one size fits all. I do think that gender plays a role in these cases as an indicator of presumed helplessness (won't or can't fight back). Race may at times also, not just for animosity, but same stereotyping of less likely to fight (as here). I speak of conditioning because to finger testosterone is a tricky thing. I think it's some mysterious combination of factors that are both conditioned and hardwired and just pragmatic -- again, men don't tend to target ANYONE who is bigger or more threatening than they are! That means most women are fair game and some other men are, too. And few women feel equipped to take on men in a physical threat situation. What we are physically matters very much in situations of physical threat! And most women are naturally smaller, with far less strength, than men. I had a male friend in high school who was just about exactly my size and not athletic and yet he could always outwrestle me (etc). Neither of us exercised although we were healthy. Nature just gave him more than it did me.
You make an interesting point about the father making his son go with him to find his attackers and confront them. The son blames himself for telling his father what happened and of course you could say his father was foolish to go find young punks on his own instead of calling the police. I certainly would never do what he did, and wouldn't want any man I know to do it either. But as I said, I think even men who are generally non-confrontational will tend to do something like that in those situations (esp where family is threatened or hurt). Women rarely do - they just try to flee to safety or get help from authorities.
Will, I don't know what post you read, but it wasn't mine. Or maybe you read a paragraph or two and then stopped. I certainly did not make this woman out to be a hero and I stated quite clearly that all violence is wrong. I'm happy to address comments here, as you can see, even if they disagree with something I've said, but only if they represent a reading of what I actually wrote, not what someone imagines I've written.
Heh, it’s funny that you mention your friend in high school because I knew a girl in grade school (fortunately, a friend of mine) who tougher and stronger than, and not afraid of, almost all the boys in our grades (it seems maybe 4th thru 6th, or so). Of course, she also had some older brothers who were considered tough, and also a bit of a criminal element in town. The siblings were all athletic and strong.
I remember at least one occasion when she stood up (verbally) in MY defense, a bit embarrassing in a “social conditioning” sort of way, but I was always glad she was my friend.
(shaking my head laughing at myself)
My son was shot and killed last May after attempting to stop a drunk man from assualting a woman. A pain without end.
Rated.
My most terrifying personal experience was surprising robbers in our NYC apartment and being chased, then threatened by one of the two robbers with the carving knife my husband had sharpened to a razor-sharp edge a few hours earlier. Biologically I had three possible potential responses: fight, flight, or freeze. I froze and lived.
It reminded me of a small incident back in the 70s. I was at a concert and knew a few other attendees, two of whom were single women attending on their own. One remarked in passing that she and the other had asked each other where they'd parked and whether they wanted company afterwards for going back to their cars. I wasn't living in one of the high crime cities and was surprised that women seemed to have these conversations matter-of-factly. One of those moments where you appreciate that the world looks different from a woman's point of view.
Thanks for the post. I always feel like I've downloaded illegally and skipped paying when I read you.
I got harassed on the street the other day. It doesn't happen often as I have a car and I live in a northern city, so half the year I'm bundled in a winter coat.
But the harassment was a reminder of when I was younger and didn't have a car. Young jerks would whistle at me, drive by and hang out the window making crude suggestions. Sometimes men would "accidentally" touch me. Not all the time, but you never knew when a nice day would be ruined by an asshole. I've always had a generous bust. I've never worn provocative or tight clothing, but I don't go around in a potato sack or burqa, either.
When you get objectified, it's easy to see the objectifiers as less than human. It's easy to fantasize about spinning the steering wheel and stomping on the accelerator and making them understand:
YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!
So, yeah, it resonates. The rational part of my brain knows that murder and cheese-ball throwing are orders of magnitude apart, but some primitive level says, serves them right.
Because when I feel like an object, not a human, it's hard to see others as human, too.
I understand that female rage. It doesn't happen often, and I'd like to think I would not run someone over, but am aware that I feel taken over by something bigger than I can easily control, perhaps what you describe, decades of anger accretion. Part of me understands what may have gone down in Sarah Ward's head at that reactive moment.
It may be no surprise to some to know that I have a big mouth. I didn't always have it; it was born of necessity. Years ago, I had a friend beg me to tamp it down because he was worried about this--eventually I did, sorta.
I don't get fucked with much, at least not overtly. My students are well behaved (unlike other faculty with whom I discuss these matters). My biggest concern is my daughter who is far more like me than I am comfortable with.
Men don't fuck with me--not in the ways that some of my female counterparts experience. But I think this is more because I am very sensitive, I have good radar for idiot male stuff, and I out-maneuver tangles before they manifest--sorta (...sometimes I just like to fight). People sometimes think I am cynical, because I am capable of believing the very worst in people, but this is a result of conditioning. I actually like men quite a lot--even those idiot ones!
I'll end with an anecdote, from some years ago in NYC:
Two polish immigrants on the subway in Brooklyn--a young man and woman (teenagers). They are not alone in the car. It is night. A gang of kids steps in through the passageway between trains. The GIRLS from this group point to the blonde polish kids--the boy--and then the gang of boys (a handful of them) immediately begin to pulverize the blonde kid. He is hospitalized. Authorities catch the gang, and they are prosecuted. When asked why they did it, the kids say, "because he was blond."
To this day, on that particular train at night, the conductor gets on the PA periodically to suggest that everyone migrate to the car most forward--it's safer to be in a crowd.
Humanity needs a scapegoat, doesn't it? And oftentimes, the selection is based purely upon random occurrence--it's an old story.
And, on another note, how weird is it that this incident came to be dubbed "the cheeseball murder"? (I know you didn't make it up - I googled it and that's how it's widely referred to.) It just seems kind of disrespectful to the victim to call it that. It feels like it trivializes it somehow.
I'm not sure about the men-not-picking-fights-with-men thing: I've seen people of both genders who pick fights with those that they perceive as vulnerable. I've also seen people pick stupid fights with those who are not vulnerable.
Aggression is a funny thing.
I have, of course, experienced the rage resulting dealing with an idiot male who uses his strength and size advantage to intimidate me. (I've never understood the desire of men to do this, and actually don't think that most men do have this desire.) During or after these encounters, I have indeed often wished for a weapon with which I might teach the bastard(s) a lesson.
It makes me wonder: If bullying was a riskier proposition, would it happen less often?
RATED
Rick, I believe the age you cite is the only one in which girls may be stronger than boys. I seem to remember there's a brief period in about that range where it's not uncommon. Then boys get that growth spurt and testosterone that builds their muscles up and it's all over. Of course, there are always those rare girls/women who are very strong, but it's unusual.
Oh Scylla, I'm so terribly sorry to hear about your son. I can't imagine what it's like to suffer what you have. I remember my father telling a story about intervening in a situation like that when he was young - he said he was lucky to get away with just a punch in the face. It's terrible that your son died trying to help another person, and yet it says so much about the person he was that he risked that.
Will, thank you for re-considering, and even more for explaining why you reacted the way you did. The statements you quote seem to me neutral and factual, or in any case, that's how they were intended. I was trying to explain how women might feel in a situation -- explaining is not defending! And I made several statements, both in my closing and elsewhere in which I clearly condemned both her actions (which I said were "reprehensible") and violence in general. I hope you can take those in. Thanks again for returning to reply!
Hawley, what a harrowing story. I'm so glad you survived that. And yes, the thing is, it's hard to know what response will work when you are attacked. Sometimes fighting back is best, but sometimes it's the worst. That's what's so scary. I've heard survival tales from women in which all different kinds of tactics were used. You never know.
Australian Cathy, thanks for the local insight! I appreciate having someone weigh in with that perspective. But I'm unclear how you feel Eli's intoxication is relevant?
Abra, thanks as always, too -- and feel free to send me a check directly!! Yes, being a woman is a whole other thing on the physical safety front. I've tried to explain to men many times how we always, always at least in the backs of our minds are thinking about it, esp in public, but it's hard to convey. It's just a fact of life for women. I remember a woman who did one of those experiments of dressing convincingly as a man and walking around urban streets and she said she was incredibly struck by 2 things -- how much safer she felt as a man, and how women on the street moved away from her, seeing her now as not a woman but as a man and thus a potential threat even though she was merely walking down the street.
Malusinka, that states it very powerfully! I think it is a matter of feeling like, damn I'm tired of being an object. Whether it's a sexual object, or an object of derision or other humiliation. It's the same as being worn down by racism over time.
Greenheron, thank you so much! I feel as I get older, I'm more in touch with my anger, and I ponder why that's so. Is it the lifetime accretion of things, or is it that I feel more confident, or more "I'm not going to take this anymore"? I think I'm going to have to blog about this midlife change some time....
Ghostwriter, wow, what an awful tale. It made me think of the way that a flock of chickens will peck to death a chicken that develops a spot on its feathers. Any difference is targeted in the animal world, and I do think deep down we are animals who must grapple with our primitive instincts. And I know what you mean about being a woman that men don't tend to mess with. It happens far less to me than most women I know, for whatever reasons, and definitely less so the older and more confident I've gotten.
Jeanette, thanks! and I think there's a whole subcategory for strange, idiotic and aggressive behavior while driving. Even rational human beings often behave and react differently behind the wheel. I also have many times been treated angrily by people in situations such as you describe - where actually I'm the one who has been "wronged". I think it's a pre-emptive strike to ward off their feelings of guilt over doing something they shouldn't have. They lash out to intimidate you before you can do so to them. I don't even think it's a conscious choice but more an instinctive defensive reaction.
Lainie, thanks! Well, yes, bullying is by definition not risky because bullies always pick someone who is not much of a risk to them -- someone smaller, weaker, less assertive, etc. And of course, most bullies are either being actively bullied themselves (if children, they are generally being treated that way by parents) or were in the past. It all rolls downhill. But they learn well to pick someone who they can control.
I was walking on a surprising empty part of lower Collins Avenue in South Beach. It was 4 AM but I felt, as usual, safe. Coming toward me were a gang of black girls, average age say 18-20. Ten of them, one of me. They had knives out, looking for trouble. I took off my earphones and all could hear, very loud I was playing Usher. Then I recalled living in Gaza and in a totally brilliant chamilion move, I became 18 and black, of which I am neither. The music, my move, the girls gave me high fives and I passed through safely. They hit up a man on the next street not dead but seriously wounded. It's all a crapshoot out in this world esp those of us who live in less desireable 'hoods. I keep close to my heart that I survived two weeks in Gaza and so I feel brave. But it can so easily go the other way for anyone of us. Rated.
The road rage I receive from men here in Hawaii because I'm blond is a given. They do things to me they wouldn't dream of doing to a man driving - women are just much easier targets.
If she had, perhaps, thrown back some cheeseballs instead of running the dude over, this would have all turned out o.k.
We women take too many knocks as it is. We can wonder at Ward's reckless responses to such childish behavior. It certainly was an extreme example of what may happen.
My own daughter's challenge recently at a large gathering had to be discouraging the guy who had taunted her friend plus several other women there from continuing his taunting. After he literally yanked her head back by the hair, her instincts took over. Next thing she knew, she had his throat between her hands and was warning him to step back, yet again, only this time with force. A bit shocked at herself later, I can still say I don't agree with violence in general, but we have to remember we can't let ourselves become the bait for such people, either. Not a strict comparison via ward's case, yet a part of the man-woman challenge all the same.
This is a complicated issue. Waiting for the case to unfold.... ~R~