THE PHOENIX COMBUSTIBLE
“All the News that’s Fit to Burn”
February 1, 2013
ELDERLY MUST RECONCILE BELIEFS AND ACTIONS,
STATE LEGISLATURE DECIDES
All Arizona residents “reasonably suspected of being elderly” may now be detained and questioned to identify cases of “alienation” -- defined as receiving government benefits in contradiction to a person’s stated political beliefs – according to the Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is (PYMWYMI) Act passed today.
The controversial bill, which has been strongly criticized by organizations ranging from AARP to the Gray Panthers, was merely the latest in a wave of sweeping legislative changes that have hit Arizona since President Obama’s landslide re-election in November, when a resurgent Democratic Party took control of the state legislature.
At a press conference after the bill was passed, Governor Freimann explained that under PYMWYMI any citizen of Arizona who is “reasonably suspected” of being elderly would have to provide evidence of all income and other benefits that they are receiving from federal, state or local governments. The request may be made by law enforcement or other government employees, or simply by a nosy neighbor. A clause permitting adult children living outside Arizona to report on their parents was narrowly voted down.
Entitlements that must be owned up to include Social Security, Medicare and all deductions that reduce taxes, including those for disability, medical costs and mortgage interest. These benefits will be cross-checked against the senior citizen’s voting record, attendance at any events protesting government spending, and conversations they’ve had with neighbors or friends in which they criticized illegal aliens, minorities and others that rely on “handouts.”
When questioned as to what constitutes “reasonable suspicion” that someone is elderly, State Attorney General Justine Ferra cited such well-known characteristics as having white, gray or blue hair, wearing polyester resort-style clothing, using coupons at the grocery store, driving 15 miles below the speed limit or with a turn signal on for more than one block. Citizens using golf carts on surface roads or ordering Early Bird specials at restaurants will automatically be subjected to questioning.
“I mean, this isn’t rocket science,” said Ferra. “We all know who these people are when we see them.”
Upon being found guilty of any contradiction between their stated political beliefs and their receipt of government benefits, senior citizens would be faced with a choice of two penalties under the “Put Up or Shut Up” provision of the law.
The “Put Up” option would require them to confess their actions on the new reality show, “The Biggest Hypocrite.” Choosing this option would allow them to retain their government-provided benefits, although they would be punished with inane and intrusive personal questions from the show’s host, Lyon Requist, such as “Is it true there’s a lot of, heh heh, romantic activity in those retirement communities?” and “You must be nervous, appearing on live TV. Are you wearing Depends, just in case?”
For those who refuse to admit to any contradiction between their words and actions, the “Shut Up” option results in immediate cessation of all government-provided benefits. Given the reliance of Arizonan seniors on such assistance, coupled with their renowned stubbornness, it is expected that most will choose this option. As a consequence, thousands of American citizens found guilty of hypocrisy will be forced to move to neighboring Mexico in order to be able to afford housing, food and medical care.
In response to the legislation, Mexico has stated that it will be stepping up its border patrols to stop the flow of illegal elderly American immigrants.
“But we’re not worried,” said President Alicia Menendez. “Our agents can out-run them on foot, and out-drive them on the road – as long as they don’t fall for that old turn signal trick.”