^{A portrait of female desire (statue in Brussels) ~ photo by me} 

In a development that I suspect will come as no surprise to most women, the latest attempt to develop a “female Viagra” to increase sexual desire has met with “lackluster results.”  In other words, those who took it still lacked lust.

The drug, flibanserin, is made by Boehringer Ingelheim and is intended for pre-menopausal women who lack sexual desire.  Yet in two Boehringer studies of the drug, the women taking it reported no significant increase in desire.  They did have “slightly more satisfying” sex when it occurred, but the focus of both the study and drug was not satisfaction, but the desire to have sex in the first place.

A drug that would increase female sexual desire is the Holy Grail of the pharma world --  not to mention much of the masculine world.  Not only would such a drug generate obscene profits for its creator, but its widespread use could trigger as yet unknown and possibly significant changes in gender relations.   Would women start having sex “like men”?  (And if so, how would men react?  Sometimes having your dream come true can be a nightmare.)  Would women be pressured by men to take the drug?  No one knows.

But these questions will remain unanswered for the foreseeable future, because despite the pharma industry’s no doubt zealous efforts, developing such a drug has proved mighty elusive.  As a female urologist, Dr. Elizabeth Kavaler, astutely noted, women’s arousal is so complex, that no pill may ever be able to address it. "It's a fairly complicated area, unlike in men's sexual dysfunction where there's a major mechanical concern. In women there's no mechanical concern, so if she's not having a successful sex life, where is the problem?"

Indeed, that is the question. No doubt Freud wasn’t referring just to sex when he asked what women want, but nearly a century later, despite all our supposed progress in both sexual openness and women’s freedom, it’s still a question that eludes answers.  As I’ve written before, women’s sexual desire is mysterious -- even to most women. Almost everything arouses them, yet they often don’t know they are aroused, and they may even have sexual preferences they’re unaware of until they give them a whirl.

If asked, most women would no doubt confirm that their own sexual desire is a complex matter affected by everything from monthly or even daily hormonal shifts, general health and energy level, workload, family obligations, stress and – perhaps most strongly of all – their current feelings for their partner. 

And by “current,” I don’t mean how things are going this week, much less this year.  I mean “just before he wanted to make love.”  A man who says something irritating or hurtful or who expects a woman to do household chores without helping out (or at least expressing sincere appreciation), or who doesn’t listen to a woman who’s trying to talk to him, but then expects her eager sexual attention a short while later is a guy who’s probably not going to get laid. (Or at least not with any enthusiasm on her part.)

I’ve always been puzzled when men complain that women “withhold sex.”  When I ask what that means, they say it’s when they want to have sex and their wife/partner says No.  So, if she doesn’t want to have sex with you, for whatever reason (including because you’re not making her desire you by your actions), that’s “withholding”?  Why isn’t it simply her feelings?

Hidden in this “withholding” accusation are some ugly assumptions and misunderstandings:  That sex is a reward that women give to men, and not something that women happily share with men that they desire.  That if a woman doesn’t want to have sex, it must be a hostile act on her part, not some breakdown in the relationship, much less the fault of her partner who has failed to make himself desirable to her.  And finally, that women’s desire is always about their partner, when in fact the lack of desire may be about something else entirely, such as the woman’s physical condition (tired, menstruating, coming down with a cold), mental state (distracted by work, family or friends) or emotions (feeling depressed, unattractive, not worthy of sexual attention).  Men can make the mistake of assuming that a woman’s lack of sexual desire is all about them – or has nothing to do with them.  Either one can be wrong.

So what’s the solution?  Years ago, we had a local sex columnist, Isadora Alman, whose catchphrase was the best and pithiest sexual advice I’ve ever heard: “Communication is the best lubrication.” 

Of course, given all we’ve said about how female sexuality often mystifies even women themselves, perhaps your partner won’t be able to tell you why she’s not feeling sexual. But give it a try – you’ll never know if you don’t ask.  (Just be prepared to hear an answer you may not expect - or relish hearing.)

Even if she can’t explain it, loving communication and attention to your partner’s feelings go a long way towards opening up both emotional and sexual channels.  Asking a woman how she feels, what’s going on in her life, and genuinely listening to the answer is a nearly magical thing.  (But don’t start giving her advice on how to fix her problems, or you’ll be back to square one.  Just listen, express sympathy, concern and affection.) 

Compliments and appreciation for who she is and what she does go a long way, too.  A friend once asked her mother why, out of all the men she dated, she chose to marry the man she did, and her mother answered simply, “Because he thought I was wonderful.” It’s no mystery, really. Both men and women want to feel not just desired, but appreciated and cared for by their partners.

You can’t bottle it or sell it, but that’s the beauty of the thing.  Love is the one drug that we can all dispense – and for free.