Last week, I received this query from N, a college sophomore. I will publish my reply later, but for now, I'd like to know what you think. What should he do?
Dear Auntie Siobhan:
My senior year of high school I found myself going from a good student in AP classes to having no motivation and pretty heavy depression. I fell behind, skipped class and if it weren't for the help of my school administration I probably would not have graduated high school! My dad lives and works out of state and comes home on the weekends and did not know about any of this, but my mother knew. Before senior year I would have never imagined I would be one of *THOSE* kids who barely graduate!
These issues I have had with motivation have carried over into college and I have not done well. I am in a difficult major. I was not ever certain of why I have these issues with school but lately I am wondering if this has something to do with if I am even meant to be in college.
I know I am intelligent and a competent person. I like science and writing and when I am have the motivation I do very well on exams, much better than my friends who are constantly hard at it. But still overall I am not doing well in college.
I have withdrawn from all my classes this semester and only my mother knows. You must be wondering, why all the deception?
When he was a young man, my dad moved to America from his home country and completed and paid for his masters and PhD in under 4 years... yeah. He is VP of a large and well-known international company. To begin with, I feel like there is a lot of pressure to complete college because of the very fact that my Dad did so quickly and was very successful.
In addition to that pressure, there is of course the societal pressure... if you don't go to college you must be some lazy loser. I was told from Day 1 that college is my only option.
I am getting no guidance from my parents in this matter. My mother just gets scared. I have called my Dad in tears several times, and his reactions are mixed. Sometimes telling me that I should come home and figure out what I want to do. Sometimes telling me that I have NOTHING to be unhappy about because I am at a good school, have college paid for etc...
I have no idea what to do. I do not even know my options besides a 4 year college. I WAS NEVER TOLD ANY! That is what makes me most angry! I feel almost forced into this! I feel like I have NO TIME to even stop and think "is this right for me? is this realistic for me?" because I have people yelling at me from everywhere that college is my best bet and that I have to get out quickly to compete... but at the same time everyone is yelling at me that college will not even guarantee me a job in this country! What on Earth?!
I am sorry that this might just be a long desperate rant... but I have no one I can reasonably talk to about this! I am upset, locking myself in my apartment and not coming out or seeing anyone for days.
What are my options besides college?
Do you have any advice for N? What would you do in his shoes? I have already sent him my thoughts, but I'd like to hear yours.
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Comments
First he must deal with his depression. I had similar issues in college for a while--withdrawing from classes and the world, sitting in my room with the curtains closed, etc. So I would suggest he see a psychiatrist pronto and get some meds. I say meds because this kid needs some immediate relief, needs to be pulled back up from living underground.
And then he needs to keep seeing the psychiatrist or some other therapist to figure out how to move forward in his life. I hear that some of these problems stem from not only expectations but from the whole story of his father's life. That's a tough act to follow. I only had to follow my sister's act, and that was hard enough. Maybe he's trying to punish his dad for not being around. What are the family dynamics here? The hiding information from his father, the fact that his mother is scared--these seem like red flags.
I would advise him to take his father's advice and go home. His being alone now is unhealthy. Take some time to figure himself out. The father is partially right in that it seems the kid has no reason to be so unhappy, but the fact is that the young man is desperately unhappy, and that's the reality that must be faced. The son could go with his dad during the week. He could focus on his therapy and volunteer somewhere--a children's hospital, food bank, public school, SPCA. He could get a job; I know this is difficult, but he could try to find something--being a cashier at the supermarket even would surround him with people. He's got to get out of the house.
I'd say to make some lists. Write down things you are good at. Things you like to do. Things you don't like to do. People you admire. People you don't respect. Things that make you smile. Keep these in a journal and try to add to them every day for several months. If they help point you in a direction at some point, wonderful. If they don't, at least you know yourself a little better.
He says he's got people yelling at him for everywhere to get through school now so he can compete. Someone please tell this kid that life is not about competition. Yes, for some it is. But honestly, not for most of us. Life is about listening to yourself so you can at some point perhaps really know yourself. Life is about the smell of an apple pie, stubbing a toe, vacuuming the carpet, reading on a screened in porch, picking up trash on the ground, kissing a baby's head, holding someone as they cry, understanding the wind, burning a finger on the oven rack. It's learning something difficult and the pride that brings, teaching something you know well, it's a job well done no matter how small, looking out for the little guy, being honest and loyal. It's about being the best YOU that you can be, and watching egrets lift up from the shallows.
I too think the best thing is to come home, see a therapist, and do some self-reflection about the path that will work now.
I also think it's important that this kid understand that our paths change over time, and that this is okay. It's alright to go in one direction and then decide to perhaps pursue another. Our lives don't have to be set in stone in our early twenties... shoot, I'm nearly fifty, and there are still things I want to try or do.