MORNING SEX...

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment.'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all, right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she hopped quickly up, said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T- shirt up around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Dubya & The Devil

George (Dubya) Bush had a heart attack and died. Obviously, he went to hell. The devil was waiting for him.

"I'm not sure what to do," said the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take that one’s place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."

Dubya thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of sewage water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" Dubya shuddered, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, breaking up those rocks, time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," said Dubya.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, lustily doing what she does best.

Dubya looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said; "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

The Lizard

Just after dinner one night, my son came running to tell me there was something wrong with one of the two lizards he has in his room. 'He's just lying there looking sick; can you help?'

I put my best “lizard-healer look” on my face and followed him upstairs into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on it's back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey' I called, 'Come look at the lizard!'

'Oh my gosh,' my wife diagnosed after a minute, 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' I was equally outraged. 'How can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I accused my wife. 'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage,' she enquired? (Actually, I think she said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me, (again with sarcasm) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh gross!' they shrieked.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. 'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'It's a breach,' my wife whispered, horrified!

'Do something dad,' my son urged. 'Okay, okay.' I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several times more with the same results.

'Should I call 911?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. 'Maybe they could talk you through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly.

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment.'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife worried,

'Oh perfectly,' the vet calmly assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour, in fact that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see Ernie is a young male of the species, they um.....um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife. 'Well you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron.'

We were silent absorbing this...

'So, Ernie's just....just excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly,' the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence, then my cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing!! 'It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on it's.... it's.... teeny-weeny little...' she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 'That's enough,' I warned.

We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. My son, still unaware of Ernie’s ‘problem’, thanked me, saying, 'I know Ernie's really grateful for what you've done, Dad.’

'Oh you have NO idea!', my wife agreed collapsing with laughter.

Later she summed it up this way....

2 lizards:..............…..$140.oo

1 cage:.......................$50.oo

Trip to the vet:...........$60.oo

Memory of my husband pulling on a lizard's willie..... Priceless!!

Moral of the story:

Finish biology class – “Lizards lay eggs!”