Eschew Obfuscation - Espouse Elucidation

Freedom of Speech Doesn't Ensure Freedom After Speech
NOVEMBER 22, 2012 4:04AM

The "Throne Room" Wars!!

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 In the relationship between the sexes there are many hot skirmishes, battles, and out-n’-out wars. This is about a never-ending war.

There is hardly a man alive who has not been roundly berated by one or another female relative for leaving the seat up. It is said that we men are thoughtless, inconsiderate nincompoops for doing so.

“Do you know,” screamed one lady of my acquaintance, “what it’s like to come into the bathroom, in the dead of night, and sit down on that icy cold porcelain? And that’s not even mentioning the danger of falling in!”

Why,” says I, calmly and reasonably, “don’t you look before you sit down?” This seemed to me, a mere male, a very sensible precaution.

“And just how,” she stormed, “am I to see if the seat is up, in the dark?”

“Dark? You’re in the dark? Why don’t you turn the light on?” I was completely puzzled. I mean, who goes into a dark room, at night, without turning on the light?

Not answering my, very sensible question, she stated, “Because I shouldn’t have to. I should be able to go into my own bathroom (the bathroom becomes “hers” at times) and have a “sit-down” without turning on the darn light!”

Building up a head of steam, she glared at me as though I were personally responsible for all the ills and evils of the world, and huffed, “Why can’t you darn men learn to leave the seat down?!!”

Now, as mentioned before, I am but a mere man. I am foolish enough to think that if one goes into a dark bathroom, doesn’t turn on the light, doesn’t check to see if the seat is down (even in the dark this can be done by feel) and just plunks one’s bare nether region down without caution, one is occasionally going to get a cold surprise. Maybe even a wet one.

What would motivate someone to do this, not just once, but on a regular basis, is beyond me. It is not given to me, nor to any man, to understand the female “logic” involved in doing so.

So I am going to try to answer her question.

The reason men don’t usually put the seat down is a much better one than the reason she wants it put down, and left down at all times. Her reason is so that she won’t suffer the consequences of not turning on the light, and not otherwise checking, before she sits down. Well-deserved consequences, I might add!

My reason for leaving the seat up is this: First, I know that every male person in my household, including me, ‘sprinkles’ a bit when they tinkle. I also know that not every one of us always lifts the seat if it is down. This leads to a bit of ‘dew’ on the seat. Now if someone is too lazy to lift the doggone seat before he takes a whiz, what makes anyone expect that person will then tidy up those wee drops of moisture? Highly unlikely, I’d say.

If, however the seat normally remained in the upright position, there would be no “pee on the seat” to contend with. And none of the women would need to clean the seat before briefly attaching their tushies thereto. Surely it is far easier to put the seat down than it is to clean it every time they need to use it!   

It now becomes clear that not putting the seat down is actually a courtesy men extend to women even when those women who most benefit from it, illogically rant and rave against it!

So, with this bit of perfectly sound logical thinking, let us end the War of The Throne Room.

It is hereby decreed that henceforth the Rule of The Throne Room is, “Please Leave The Seat Up”!!


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I turn the light on.
I've heard it said that cats can be trained to use the toilet (well ... maybe not TinkleTink), so you'd think that a little bit of aversion therapy for humankind would do the trick. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell for anyone?

Then I remember what I wrote to you in my last email and think ... naw, it'll never work.
Am I missing something?

I always leave the lid up, but not the seat. When I have to go in the middle of the night, I wander in to the biffie, no lights on and relieve myself by sitting down like a woman. This is less strenuous!

I am getting very personal I sharing my toilet habits, but to me this makes total sense. All are then happy.
I have a night light in the bathroom but, living alone, the seat is never an issue. I will say, though, that turning on the overhead light would wake me up all the way and then I'd never get back to sleep.