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JANUARY 31, 2013 3:54AM

Valentine's Fun - or - The Devil Made Me Do It!

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My good gosh! It’s only just February and I’m reading blogs by folks who are preparing themselves to have a horrible time for Valentine’s Day!!!

The bestest day ever! And some folks just can’t seem to handle it! So listen up all you down-at-the-mouth gals and guys who hate the pressure, the lack of a close lover, the presence of a close lover, the cards from people you know don’t give a flying f**k about you, etc., etc., I’m gonna tell you how to handle Valentine’s Day.

First off, forget all this icky stuff about luv, luv, luv. Everybody knows that love is just another word for heart-broken; who needs to be heart-broken on Valentines Day?

The trick is to plan out your Valentines Day with care. First, buy a box of really nice Valentines cards – the best that you can afford – better than the ones you usually buy. Then send one to the pets of each of your friends. You’ll snort yourself into fits of laughter over the look on your friend’s faces when those cards arrive!

You may send them “from a secret admirer” or from yourself. If sent from you, one or two pet owner friends will call you to have a word with you about this, you can then – in a most serious tone of voice – explain how you’ve had this secret feeling for their pet iguana for a long time and thought it well to get your feelings out in the open. I guarantee you’ll have a better time during that phone call than you ever would during a call from someone who takes V-Day seriously.

Then, you can drench one in sexy, musky, man’s cologne, sign it “Eternal love, George” and send it to your boss, at his home. His wife ought’ta get a charge out of that!

Then you can send off, to everyone on your Valentine’s Day list, an e-mail explaining that you’d intended to send them a great V-Day card but that you’d accidentally addressed it to someone else, and they liked it so much that they’d invited you out for dinner at a posh restaurant, so you were going out to dinner with them and, “will call you next week….. I think.”

You could also send out “Get Well Soon” cards and when people ask you, “what the heck?!!”, you can just explain that you ran out of V-Day cards and,  ‘since there’s not much difference between people in love and sick people……..”

There! See how great Valentine’s Day can be? Have fun kids!


Author tags:

laughter, fun, icky, love, luv, valentine's day

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My boss is a woman. I am setting up my wards to keep the crap at bay. Though I do like the iguana suggestion.
I hear iguanas have a trait that makes them beloved of women everywhere; they never forget your birthday and never remember your age.......;-)

[r] hah! "Get Well Soon" an interesting though bluntly pessimistic messaging to those enjoying infatuation. best, libby
Pixie isn't your last name for nothing. Cats are notoriously unsentimental as the dove remains I found in my yard attest. R
Well..... Condolences seemed a tad premature, y'know?

Of course we pixies are sentimental! Why I just LOVED that dove (*burp*)!

Oh This was great!!! Thank you!
Save a tree. Don't send cards of any type. Send an email.

You are mad, quite mad and funny! Iguanas?
Oh, these are great suggestions. I especially like the cologne-drenched card to the boss's home. Hee, hee, hee.

you just keep getting more and more cynical.......

and funny.