At The Crossroads
I’m tired. I’ve been awake for days with only snippets of sleep here and there as I do war on my nicotine habit. I’m 71 and have smoked for fifty-five years. Every bit of my body is permeated with nicotine. Every bit of my body loves its nicotine. Every tiny molecule is demanding its nicotine fix. I cannot allow that.
This started 12 days ago. It was an incredibly horrible, mutha fuggin, dirty rotten, nasty bitch the first day. Then it got worse. It has gotten worse every day until today. I have had stomach cramps. I have had the vomiting. I have had the cold sweats. I have had the diarrhea. I have screamed at the walls, paced the floor, cursed every craving atom of me for wanting – needing - my drug.
Today…. A few hours ago…. It began to ease off. Not much; just a tad. The most beautiful tad in the world. The wee tad that tells me this monster of a habit is losing this fight; that I…. I am winning! That I will win. But I must be cautious. I must not get overconfident. That will undo me.
I have played some tricks on myself to get this far. I convinced myself that I could not manage the journey to the store for more cigarettes; that it is far too cold out there for me to be able to do that. Then it warmed up for two days. Up to 12°C (54°F). But it was raining too hard. And when the rain stopped, the wind was blowing with gusts up to 60mph, so it was definitely too windy to go out. I lied to me. I could have gone out. The rain wouldn’t have hurt me. The wind wouldn’t have knocked me down.
Oh well…… too late now. Now it’s gone back to being too cold to go out. Yes. Definitely too cold. Or too late. It’s about 4:30 am. Nearest store with cigs is in Summerside – 50 miles away. Too far to go. Yes. Definitely too far to go. And it’s getting even colder. Much colder. Too cold for me to go out. Am I repeating myself? Sorry.
I need another coffee. I’m so glad that I have lots of coffee. It really paid off to buy a couple of dozen large cans of it when it was on sale last summer. It’s three times the price now. I have enough for another year at least. But I need other things. I’m out of eggs, and butter, and veggies. If I get those things at the supermarket in Alberton – 10 miles away – I won’t be tempted. All they sell is groceries. If I go to the co-op supermarket a block away…. Well, they sell cigarettes…… I fear….I fear. Best not to get careless here now. Got to stay on top of this thing. Got to. Got to.
Damn-it stop, stop, stop! Who knew this damned addiction could be like this? I’ve never heard anyone else say they went through this; well, I have read of it. Seems a few of us got addicted worse than a heroin habit. I don’t know how bad a heroin habit is – I do know this is no fun.
Oh well, what can ya do? Life has its bumps!
I’ll start the next pot of coffee…….