I'm having deja vu. It was two years ago today that I posted my first blog entry. I was angry, full of resentments and bitterness.

January 1, 2010 was the day I truly came to realize I was married to an alcoholic.  Not knowing what else to do or where else to turn, I believed I needed to tell someone, anyone, about the pain I was going through.

As a writer, I did what comes naturally -- I wrote here on Open Salon. And the responses I received ranged from vitriolic to surprisingly supportive. Some told me I needed a little something called Al-Anon. Two days later, I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting.

What an eye-opening experience. I've learned so much but I know I have a lot more to absorb and put into practice. Focusing on myself has been very rewarding. In fact, I've lost more than 40 pounds since my first blog entry. It's amazing what can happen when I take care of myself rather than focusing all my energy on an alcoholic.

My serenity does not depend on another person's mood or behaviors. My happiness doesn't depend on my wife's sobriety. From July 2010 and through most of 2011, she was sober. In early December, she relapsed and I suddenly felt like I was right back on that same emotional roller-coaster.

There were a lot of revelations over three weeks in December. The biggest was an affair my wife had been having with someone from AA. I felt like a fool. We were doing well, or so I thought, and I was giving her space and respect, choosing to focus on myself.

Thank goodness I have my program to rely on because I think I would have lost my mind otherwise.

What eventually happens to the marriage I struggled so hard to save over the last few years is beyond my control. For now, my focus has turned to my kids and making sure they are cared for while I'm at work.

My sponsor told me that until my wife gets her head back on straight, there really isn't a relationship. "There can be no 'we' if there's no 'me,'" he said. "She needs to be right with herself before she can be right with you."

In all, 2011 is a year I'd rather forget. Every memory I have -- from my son's third and my daughter's first birthday -- is tainted now with knowing this other guy was in the background. And that is driving me nuts.

She said she's ended it with him but doesn't know what she wants. "I can't feel anything," she told me. "I don't know what I'm feeling and I need to figure that out."

From what I've learned, alcoholics don't feel emotions like normal people, at least while they're in the throes of their disease. Neither do many of us in Al-Anon because, even though we're not drinkers, we take on many of the characteristics of the alcoholic (whether we want to or not). I will turn a blind eye to my kids' needs to care for the alcoholic. That's my sickness and that's what I'm trying to cure in Al-Anon. My sponsor said something very profound about "stepping over the drunk" to live my life and care for my kids. That's what I'm doing.

Alcoholism is a family illness and it infects (and often destroys) relationships. I forgive my wife.

What I understood to be "detaching with love" (as taught in my program), she said she saw as "abandonment." I've heard her tell me often lately that I don't love her and hate her. She can't possibly know what's in my heart, but I love her deeply, madly and want to grow old with her. I still have hope we can do it without alcohol in the mix. 

Tomorrow is another day. Hello, 2012. I hope you're a good year.