Dangit. I thought Al-Anon birthday night was Thursday but now that I look at the calendar, it's actually next week. It gives me something to look forward to, I suppose.

I am finding myself abuzz with negative thoughts. Today, before I went to work, I swung by my wife's job to see if her truck was in the parking lot. What? I don't DO that! That's crazy. (It was there, by the way.) I was worried she'd gone off and done something crazy (like buy a bottle of booze and get snockered heading to work). That's what my thoughts get me -- insane behavior.

Some of the worst days of my life never actually happened. I could envision the most horrific outcome for just about any situation -- work, home, marriage, siblings, parents. That's me, Mr. Optimism. Since I've been in Al-Anon recovery (a support group for families and friends of alcholics, for those just joining us), I've learned that what I consider normal is anything but. I've also learned to live in the now and not worry so much about "what ifs" or what COULD happen.

Take tonight for instance. My wife is off at an AA meeting. I hear my 1-year-old daughter babbling from her crib. My 3-year-old son is possibly asleep ... or just being very quiet. It's hard to tell.

I don't know if my wife is actually at the meeting. She could be off somewhere getting drunk. If I got the kids out of bed, threw them in the car, I could drive by and see if her truck was in the parking lot of the meeting. See how crazy my thoughts are becoming? That's not normal. I'm not going to do that, but I easily could. She's going to do what she's going to do and I can't stop her, control her or cure her.

A lot of my old behaviors are coming back into play since the active drinking started again in early December (after nearly two full years of sobriety, minus one relapse in August 2010).  Last night, I confiscated two bottles of vodka hidden in various places around the house. She'd stopped drinking for almost two weeks until Ihad my meltdown yesterday and sobbed like a baby in front of her.

She told me, "You made me feel like crap. That's why I drank."

I know I can't cause, control or cure her drinking. I'm not the one to blame. She's responsible for her own actions and behaviors.

She also accused me of abusing her. "Maybe you've forgotten," she seethed between clenched teeth. "You're not the one covered in bruises."

Oh boy. She's referring to the day I had to physically carry her (while she was passed out) from her truck to the house. It wasn't easy and I know I bumped her arm on the stair rail and probably her shins on the front porch stairs as we climbed them. She couldn't even lift her feet to help me.

The accusation that I would lay a hand on my wife lit a fire.

"You know that isn't true," I said. "You know that's a lie. I've never laid a hand on you and I wouldn't."

After a while, she said, "OK, I made it up. I admit it. I'm sorry. I know it happened that day. Can we just drop it now?"

This is why we're not supposed to engage with an alcoholic while they are in the thick of things. Stuff like that happens.

* * *

My wife was supposed to be home from her meeting 90 minutes ago. She's not answering her cell phone or text messages. It's getting late. I heard sirens outside.

All I know is I took  a break from writing this entry and started looking out the window to see if she was home yet. 

I reached out to someone in the program tonight to help me get my head on straight. I was a mess here about 45 minutes ago.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. I hope it's a good day and I learn something new.