Today was difficult for me. I'll admit that. My 1-year-old daughter was awake at 3 a.m. and not willing to give it up and return to sleep. When I had my wife here, she could help and we'd take turns. She's not here. That's reality.

(A quick recap: Her battle with alcoholism drove me to call 9-11 on Sunday. She was unconcious, removed from the house by ambulance and taken to a hospital, where she had a near-lethal level of alcohol in her veins. I forbid her to return until she gets sober. She's now with my mother-in-law in another state.)

With four hours of sleep under my belt, I got out of bed, made coffee, gave the baby a bottle, did the dishes, ate breakfast, fed her some solid foods, packed the diaper bag and their lunches (and snacks), rousted my 3-year-0ld out of bed, got him dressed and dropped them off at the sitter at 6:10 a.m. I had a 7 a.m. meeting in the town where I work.

As I backed out of the sitter's driveway, I started crying uncontrollably. What the hell was the matter with me? I tried to pull it together as I made the half-hour trip to the office. Occasional bouts of crying drowned out the radio.

My 7 a.m. meeting was with my service club. Following that was the club's board meeting, in which I had to tell them I could no longer serve as the club's incoming president due to my wife's illness and my new role as sole caregiver to my two young children.

I could barely get the words out. "My wife is very ill," I said, choking back tears even though I could feel them burning my cheeks. "I need to focus on myself and my kids now. I'm pulling back from a lot of duties with the club and at work."

Many of the members offered help. I think one of them is bringing dinner to the office for me tomorrow.

I had sporadic fits of fighting back tears throughout the day. I even tried to call my wife, only to get her voicemail. I haven't spoken to her since Sunday, when everything went down with the fire department, paramedics and sheriff's deputies.

I am feeling very hurt, angry, lonely and tired. That's called "HALT" in the program. That means I need to stop and not fall victim to dismal thoughts, engage with others or otherwise do something stupid (like trying to call the woman I kicked out of the house).

Luckily, I have others in the program who can help me be strong when I don't feel I'm strong enough to get through the day. 

Tonight was a great Al-Anon meeting. I shared about how pissed off I was this morning. Yes, I was resentful at 3 a.m. And 4:30 a.m. And 6 a.m. Hell, I was mad all damn day. Why? Because my wife couldn't get her act together and be a mom and a wife. Now, it's all on my shoulders. I am suddenly a single parent. It wasn't supposed to be like this. She relapsed. OK. So, she was supposed to call her sponsor, work her program and get better after a few weeks. That turned into more than two months. Her relapse didn't follow "my" plan. 

What grounds me? My kids are wonderful. They are my focus and the reason I did what I had to do on Sunday. I got the alcoholic out of the house. She was a danger to herself and our kids.

Now I have to deal with me. There is a part of me that feels empty without my wife here. She was my partner, my friend and my lover. Our wedding anniversary is next week.

Time to move on, as my friend tells me.  This is the hardest thing I ever done in my life and it hurts like someone has ripped out my heart.

That's all I've got for now. It's time for some much-needed sleep.