I’m a single, thirtyish lesbian. Most of my friends are in couples and only seem to know other people in couples, so it can be hard to meet other single gay women. I’ve tried online dating, and had the requisite string of awkward first dates, and some longer affairs. Nothing has really stuck.
I’m pretty satisfied with other areas of my life– friends, career, etc. I’m not desperate to be partnered, but it is something I want eventually. Problem is, when I meet a woman who is available and interested, she seems to jump into Girlfriend Territory really quickly. (God, this is such a lesbian problem…) I don’t typically date more than one person at a time, but I am also not going to declare my undying love for someone I only met a few weeks ago. I like to get to know people before making emotional commitments. This makes potential partners view me as either uninterested (when really I am just cautious), or alternatively, as some kind of repressed challenge (which is infinitely worse).
I get tired of going on dates with complete strangers– and the false sense of intimacy which can be created when you know someone’s sexual preferences but not whether they’re the kind of person who will give up their bus seat to a pregnant woman– so I’ve given up dating sites for the time being. Can you offer any advice or encouragement? Am I the only dyke in North America who wants to date, rather than jump immediately into a relationship?
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Dear Olive,
Yes. You are the only gay woman in North America who wants to date, rather than jump immediately into a relationship.
Okay, maybe I’m overstating the case. But thing thing is, I think that a lot thirtyish people are primarily interested in either straight-up meaningless one-time sex or instantaneous coupling with hope for a long-term commitment. That is: most people, gay, straight or otherwise, think dating sucks. And yet, here you are, pining for taking it slow, crying your eyes out for more coffees and trips to the museum! And the only thing we can say for sure about the modern experience of finding a partner is that it is almost infinitely variable. If there’s one of you out there, chances are there a bunch more hidden somewhere. Now you just have to find them.
Look, I’m not going to lie.
Finding a mate isn’t always easy, and it gets harder as we get older and see others couple off, reducing the dating pool unhelpfully. It’s also always going to be more difficult to meet someone who’s right for you when you are a member of a sexual minority. But of course it is possible.
I think that it’s smart of you to lay off the Internet dating for a while. The Internet tends to exacerbate people’s tendencies, so that if, for example, we trend toward snark, we are likely to hang out with others online in a place where it is acceptable to trade insults, which we ramp-up accordingly. And that means that dating sites tend to skew too –some attract folks who are looking for life partners while other specialize in hook-ups. Not to mention that you don’t really sound like you need it. You already have a vibrant life with good friends and a career (gasp! a career in this day and at your age!). Focus on those things, because they make you happy. But also because they are a really good way to meet people you might want to date.
It sounds like you’re pretty smart in general. I like what you said about the false sense of intimacy that can be created when we exchange seemingly a lot of information with someone before having a lot of face time with them. This is one of the hazards of online dating, but meeting someone through your friends or family won’t necessarily insulate you from later unpleasant surprises; you can get to know someone slowly and, you think, thoroughly, and then still find out eight months in that she only tips fifteen percent or hates organic farming.
I think that in pointing out part of your problem: the fact that you have, in the past, felt pressured into moving too quickly because of the enforced and artificial intimacy of checking out potential mates on the Interent, and, well, the lesbian community in general, you have actually proposed a partial solution.
In honor of you, I am going institute a new relationship tool we will now call The Bus Rule.
The Bus Rule is as follows: no matter how excited a person is about a first date, one night stand, or hot-co-worker-she’s-getting-to-know, it is inappropriate to expect said potential partner to declare her love for you until such time as the two of you have experienced a commonplace yet statistically unlikely occurrence together and scoped out each others reactions. For example, one should not declare one’s love, or expect one’s date to declare love, until the couple has had an opportunity to give up a seat on the bus to a pregnant woman. Or had to respond to a flat tire emergency call. Or run into a problematic ex- on the sidewalk. Or gotten a new job. Or started a small grease fire.
We could all stand to remember that love is different from infatuation or lust, and that we all move at different paces. All of us. But I’m looking especially squint-ily at you, lesbian community.
So next time you find yourself on a date with someone you want to get to know, at your own pace, you can use this helpful tool. Over cheesecake, tell her that you’re really into her, but that you follow The Bus Rule. Explain what The Bus Rule is, so that she knows not to expect a whole lot of demonstrative declarations from you right away. Tell her that it has nothing to do with her, per se, it’s just how you roll (heh, roll!). Perhaps this will help assure your dates that you are neither uninterested nor repressed. Loosen up a little in other ways, and these women might just have the patience you need from them in order to be able to make an eventual (and realistic) commitment.
You know that life is long, and there is plenty of time to act all married-like. You just need to gently remind others of that fact, too.
So keep communicating, and keep doing what you’re doing, and keep taking the bus. She’s out there somewhere for you.
And if you, dear reader, are a gay woman who’s looking for someone just like Olive, let us know in the comments below.Welcome to EditPad.org - your online plain text editor. Enter or paste your text here. To download and save it, click on the button below.
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Martini Magic
I.C. London
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Comments
What Olive might start doing is getting involved in group activities dealing with her personal interests. If she loves books, then go to reading groups at the library or schools, lectures, even book signings. If she likes bicycle riding, look for group rides. Whatever the activity.
If Olive's appearance is such that it's easy to tell she is a lesbian, chances are other lesbians (regardless of their relationship status) will be receptive to discussing whatever the activity is. A great basis to start a friendship and not just for "dating". Let others get to know you and your interests. If that person isn't a "fit" she might know of someone. The idea is to be in situations where there is a common bond that will lead to conversation instead of a pre-date interview.