SnippytheGrammarDog

SnippytheGrammarDog
Location
CrAZytown, United States
Birthday
January 01
Title
The Guard Dog of Grammar
Bio
Not really that fixated on grammar, but it's fun pretending. Find the errors in this sentence: I texed him last night to advice him, "Its time to reign in the cat, its to full of it's self.'

SnippytheGrammarDog's Links

Salon.com
JULY 26, 2011 11:49PM

Oh baby...

Rate: 22 Flag

each ohbaby equals about 5 seconds of x rated action!!!! 

Any night, 9 PM.....

The Stud™: So how ‘bout it, gorgeous?  Wanna wrinkle these sheets?

Me™: If I wrinkle the sheets, will I lose a few of my own?  You know I can’t resist you when you pay me blatantly false compliments.  Just make sure the door is locked.  You know what happened last time.

The Stud™: Door’s locked.  Maybe we should dispense with the formalities.

Me™: I love it when you get right down to business!  Maybe I’ll get eight hours of sleep tonight!

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby

(polite knock on door)

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyo—

(polite, louder knock on door)

Stephen: (through door) Mom, did you wash my PE clothes?

Me™: Oh geez.  They’re still in the washer.  Can you put them in the dryer?

Stephen: Okay. (retreating footsteps) 

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby

(another knock at the door)

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbab—

(more persistent knock at the door)

Becca: (through door) Mom, did you tell Stephen to put the laundry in the dryer?

Me™: Yes!

 Becca: Well, he put my bras in.  I almost didn’t catch him.  You need to tell him not to put my bras in the dryer.

 Me™: Stephen, Becca’s bras don’t go in the dryer!

Becca: That’s not what I meant.  He can’t hear you, his video game is on too loud.  Can you go and tell him when you get a chance?

The Stud™: I’ll tell him tomorrow, Bec!

Becca: Okay.  (retreating footsteps)

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbab—

(sharp knock on door)

Mike: Hey, Mom!

Me™: What?

Mike: I’m taking the car to go to Hooligowhizmowhatsit with Hmm-hmm and Blub-glub, okay?

Me™: Okay.

Mike: I need the keys.

The Stud™: Dammit.  (exits bed, walks into bathroom)

Me™: (open door wearing hastily-donned lounger) Here.  Where are you going?

Mike: The Clubhouse.  Jeremy’s band is playing there. 

Me™: Who’s going?

Mike: Me and Suppa Time and White Man.

Me™: Have you been drinking?

Mike: They had some beer, but I didn’t.

Becca: Mike, you were drinking.

Mike: Shut up, Becca.  That was a Mountain Dew.

Me™: If you’re going to drive my car you can’t have ANYTHING to drink.

Mike: Duh!!  I know that.

Phoebe: (vicious snarling from family room)

Mike: Stupid Phoebe!  I told Suppa Time to help himself to some leftover pizza, and now the dog is trying to tear his leg off.  Can she stay in here with you guys until we leave?

Me™: Sure.  Phoebe!!!  Come here, puppy!

Phoebe: (barking and lunging for harmless teen in kitchen)

Me™: Phoebe!  Get over here!

Stephen: (helpfully) Get over here, Phoebe!

Me™: Stephen, hush, she’s too stupid to listen to two different people at once, you’re just getting her confused.

Becca: Where’s The Stud™?

Me™: He’s in the bathroom.

Stephen: He’s ALWAYS in the bathroom!

Me™: PHOEBE!!!  Right NOW, you miserable cur!

Phoebe: (trots into room, jumps on bed, settles on The Stud™’s pillow)

Becca: Oops!!  Dukey came in, too, hope that’s okay.

Me™: (resignedly) yeah, no problem.  Look, I’m really tired and you know I hate work nights.  Good night, love you guys. (kisses all round, thankfully closes door)

The Stud™: (exiting bathroom) Is it safe to come out? 

Me™: Can you make sure I locked the door?  You know what happened last time.

The Stud™: Everything’s locked up.  Now, where were we? 

Me™: Phoebe, off The Stud™’s pillow. 

Phoebe: (snarls as she is dumped unceremoniously on floor)

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohba—

The Stud™: (exclaims in pain, utters oath)

Me™: What happened?

The Stud™: Is there a cat in here?

Me™: Oh, I forgot to tell you.  I think Dukey sneaked in when we let Phoebe in.

The Stud™: Well, he’s attacking my toes.

Me™: Dukey!  Cut it out!

The Stud™: Somehow I doubt he’s going to listen.

Dukey: (meows piteously as he is dumped unceremoniously in hallway)

Me™: You really took a chance.  You should have put some clothes on. 

The Stud™: The coast was clear.  I checked first.  Where were we?

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby

Oreo: (meows piteously from the hallway)

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby

Oreo: (continues meowing piteously while jumping at doorknob)

Me™: Stupid cat, she’s going to be covered in bruises.

The Stud™: Don’t listen to her. 

 Ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohba—

(polite knock at door)

Me™: What?

Stephen: Can Oreo come in?  She really wants to come in.

Me™: Yeah, all right.

Stephen: (tries door) The door’s locked.

The Stud™: Well, thank Christ for that. (gets up and goes into bathroom)

Me™: (open door wearing hastily-donned lounger)  Okay, come on, you stupid cat.  As soon as she gets in, she’ll want to go back out.

Stephen: Can’t you just leave the door open?

Me™: No.  It’s 10:30, you guys need to be in bed.

Becca: Can I get a bottle of water from your room?  The fridge is all out.

Me™: Sure. 

Stephen: Can I get one, too? 

Me™: Go right ahead.  Anyone else over who’s thirsty?

Becca: Let me go ask Sarah.

Me™: I hate it when my sarcasm is wasted.

Stephen: Where’s The Stud™?

Me™: He’s in the bathroom.

Stephen: He’s ALWAYS in the bathroom!

The Stud™: (peeking around corner of bathroom door) Is the coast clear?

Me™: Not quite.

Becca: Can I come in and say goodnight to The Stud™?

Me™: Er, isn’t Sarah over?  Why don’t you wait until she’s gone. 

Becca: She’s leaving in a few minutes.  She came over to borrow my purple jeans.

Me™: Well, come back when she’s gone home.  Leave the carport light on for Mike.  Did he and his friends leave yet?

Stephen: Yeah, they left a long time ago.

Becca: I think Phoebe just ran out of the room.

Me™: Good riddance.  Except she’ll start barking whenever Mike gets home.

Stephen: Mom, it’s okay if Dukey’s in here, isn’t it?

Me™: Oh, no! 

Stephen: Well, I don’t know for sure if that was Dukey or if it was Oreo.

Becca: I think it was both of them.  Should I get them out?

The Stud™: (starts to open bathroom door)

Me™: (hastily) No, that’s okay.  Gotta go to bed, okay?  You guys should too, 5:30 always comes too early. (more good nights all round) (close door, leans against it in relief)

The Stud™: Is the coast clear?

Me™: Yes, but we have some livestock in the room.

The Stud™: Who?

Me™: One or two cats.  The dog ran out.

The Stud™: Where were we?

Me™: Can you make sure I locked the door?  You know what happened last time.

The Stud™: Everything’s all locked up.  Now, where were we?

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyoh—

(Catfight breaks out, both cats gallop across The Stud™’s torso, Dukey tackles a screaming Oreo)

(Pit bulls next door commence baying)

Me™: PFFFTTT!!! Shoo!!  Out!! (cats take refuge in closet.)

Becca: (at door) Oh, poor Oreo!  Baby!  Mom, did Dukey hurt her?  BAD Dukey!

Me™: Becca, we’ve got to lock Oreo in her cage.  Just a minute. (hastily don lounger) (hand Becca cat through door.) Here.

Becca: Mom, that’s the wrong cat.

Me™: Well, keep him anyway.  Let me find Oreo.  She’s in The Stud™’s closet.

Becca: Do you want me to get her?

Me™: Put Dukey in your room first. (Close door)

The Stud™: (exits bed and goes into bathroom)

Becca: Mom, can I come in now?

Me™: Yeah, come get her OUT of here.  It’s 11:30.  I have to get up in six hours!

Stephen: Where’s The Stud™?

Becca: I’ve got her!  Come on you precious little baby kissy kissy coo coo coo.

Phoebe: (Races to back door in paroxysms of outraged barks)

Cats: (Run back into room and hide in The Stud™’s closet)

Phoebe: (Apoplectic barking)

(Noises from back yard)

Me™: (going to our open window) Mike, is that you?  Are you sober?

Unknown voice: No ma’am, it’s the police.  We’re checking the back yards on this block.

Me™: Oh, wow, okay, Officer.

Phoebe: (subsides into asthmatic wheezing)

Me™: Kids, go to bed.  I’m not kissing anybody goodnight again.

Stephen: Mom, why are there police in the back yard?

Me™: I don’t know, Stephen, but you can ask them if you want to.

Stephen: Do you want me to?

Me™: No, Stephen.  I want you to go to bed.  (Shut bedroom door, lean against it gratefully.)

The Stud™: (Opens bathroom door) Is the coast clear?

Me™: Sure.  Come on out.  We’re having a party in here.  The cats are back in the closet.  The police are in the back yard.  They haven’t asked to search the house.  Yet.

The Stud™: Really? (Goes to window) Looks like they’re just leaving.

Me™: That’s why the dog stopped barking.

The Stud™: Where were we?  I know, I’ll make sure you locked the door.

Me™: You know what happened last time.

The Stud™: So now, where were we?

ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby ohbabyohbabyzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…….

 


(A variation of this was posted on my C.R. blog in March 2009.  If you are one of the twenty people who read it, that’s why it sounds familiar.)

I made the graphic (at top of page) myself!  See, ya get time to pursue art and hobbies and stuff if you give up on the pathetic attempts at sex!

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Comments

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That was too funny! I love how you wrote this and remember those days so many eons ago very well.
Oh So Funny! I was laughing outloud!! I want to hear more of this crazy household. It is a pilot for a sitcom right? Just perfect!
Lunchlady, glad that you enjoyed.

This was written with tongue firmly in.
Cheek.

And I need to explain that I have to go to bed and then have to work from dawn to dusk at my new wicked job where I can't even check email let alone check OS, let alone chat with a co-worker without getting written up!--but don't want to close comments, so there, Jeanette D., and I will come back and thank anyone who reads it and maybe even send you each a Jolly Rancher or two, but probably not until I get off work tomorrow.
Love it! You will always have your memories. Well, maybe not. Ah, WTF. This was a hoot!
Zanelle, I will try to write more "episodes" from time to time. I started a new job lately, and The Stud has been ill, so I barely have time to be here. I wrote this a couple years ago, and it occurred to me when I saw the Open Call that no one had written yet about giving up sex! Then I remembered this post...and the rest is um, history, or inconsequential, or something.
Your bio reminds me of Lynne Truss. Your blog was funny.
Your Bio? Please know some of us quit kindergarden so we could pick potatoes.
When in those situations rub styrofoam cups together. Rip the bed sheets apart.
Tear off tags.
You know it.
Take the mattress and pillow tag-labels and pretend they are two labia. Oops.
Rush out!
Mattress Discount Sale is extended until barroom happy hours each dang day.
Read about the Upcoming New Mattress Sales that begins today and ends`
`
tomorrow.
Wear dark.
pink muffs.
`
Wear a tutu.
Spiel awful.
Grab softy.
Behave?
Whatever;
','
~!~
fly away.
go pick.
eat a
peach.
Rub pink peach flesh and fuzzy skin on your face, doorknob, and yodel.
Maybe?
Whatever.
Who knows?
O, No body.
Yup whatever.
Hop in bed.
No bump.
Pick corn.
Corn see.
Corn has
ears. ah!
ay, dig!
potato!
potato
has eyes.
Whatever.
I too shy.
Mmm-hmmm. Yep. I'm done after the first cat fight and moving on to folding laundry. Too many distractions.
Great romp through your bedroom! Now kiss the cats, and put the Stud out. Hope you sleep well.
R
Haaaa! This is hilarious! Really funny Snip.
A perfect illustration of why mornings are always better in family settings. The teens have only just turned in for the day and only a cat or two meows at the door for one thing or another. Thanks for the new line. Never occurred to me. ohbabyohbabyohbabyohbaby... ooooo.
So funny, so true. This is GREAT!
I do give you and The Stud an A for effort. I would have given up on the ohbabyohbabyohbaby a long time ago under these circumstances but then again patience has never been my virtue. Funny stuff here.
The needle on the zany gauge measuring this post is absolutely buried at the very end of the very end of the red area. It's a choral exultation of funny, sugar-buzz funny, gale-force funny.
So glad those days are over for my husband and me. Very cute and your comment about the tongue in still has me chuckling.
The best humor is based in truth.
Just checking in before heading off to the coal mines. I'm gratified that you got a chuckle. Thanks for reading!
Could you possibly be any funnier? From the first entrance of the cat, I knew that someone was destined to fall asleep in the middle of an ohbaby.
OMG!!! So, so, so delightful! Great graphic -- glad you've found such a nice creative outlet. What about The Stud™? From personal research, I believe that they typically devolve into developing spectacular remote control acuity whilst juggling multiple Corona bottles. R.
Ooooohbabyooooobaby...zzzzzzz...:D

RATED!!!!
I'll say one thing for The Stud. He has amazing staying power and will probably never need Viagra.
Missed it before...loved it now! SO FUNNY! xo r
That is so funny, and unfortunately so familiar...teenagers and pets, the ultimate birth control method.