The Weasel has looked into the media crystal ball (now manufactured in Slovenia) for these important future news stories... 

Update to  item 2

1. TSA Institutes No Shirt No Shoes Policy for Airports.

                In an unprecedented move, the Transportation Security Administration is now requiring all passengers boarding all flights on American soil be clad in only paper hospital gowns so that body scans and metal detection security checks are now unnecessary. Passengers are asked to disrobe and discard all clothing and footwear at the security checkpoint.  “This’ll save us a lot of aggravation,” says one TSA screener who asked not to be identified. “Now all we have to argue with them about are the fricking water bottles.” 

2. Apple Unveils “I-Head” Chip. 

               On the heels of a billion dollar settlement with carrier A T &T, Apple Computer  has unveiled its newest internet interfacing mobile cellular telephone technology. The I-Head Chip is planted surgically in back of the recipient’s ear and the user, through simple eye blinks, can control a cell phone and an internet connection that feeds directly into the user’s brain. “This is a revolutionary concept,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “Look, I no longer twitter, now I twitch.” 

UPDATE Weaselnote: i kid you not... i'm tellin' ya...we're  just a chip away...       http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/17/eye-controlled-phone-unve_n_465254.html         

3. Chinese Communist Party Loses Election to Chinese Republican Party.

                “This is a great day for the Chinese GOP,” says local party founder and part time Chinese soap opera celebrity, Sarah Palin. “I just knew if we got the message out about how unbridled corporate driven capitalism would benefit them, the Chinese people would swing to the ‘right’ side.” Palin, who after two unsuccessful attempts to win the Presidential nomination of the Republican Party in the United States, moved to China as an oil industry spokesperson in 2017, would not disclose if she had been asked to be a part of the soon to be installed new government. She would only say that her recurring role on the popular Chinese soap opera “Yuan Life to Live” has been renewed for another season. 

4.  Cheney Grave Empty: Officials Stumped

                The Federal Bureau of Investigation, Wyoming State, Cheyenne Police, and, according to sources, the CIA and Interpol, have now been called into the investigation of what some are calling the mystery of the century. When the seemingly undisturbed grave of former Vice President Dick Cheney was exhumed for forensic testing in another investigation, officials opened the casket to find nothing inside. “This sure got my bones rattled,” said Sheriff Tom “RT” Smith of the Cheyenne Police. “I saw them close the casket. I saw the burial. If he’s not here, just where the hell is he?”  

5. Osama Bin Laden Found and Detained in New Jersey 

               Al Qaeda iconic leader Osama Bin Laden was led away in hand cuffs from his cell phone sales kiosk at the Patterson Mall where he has apparently worked daily for the last 15 years. "He seemed like a nice guy. He used to bring us coffee," said a neighboring scented candle kiosk sales person who asked to remain nameless. National Security Officials would not comment except to say that “The manhunt for Bin Laden is over and he is currently held at an undisclosed location.” Shielded from dozens of cameras Bin Laden yelled at awaiting reporters, “The I-Head Chip is bogus! Don’t fall for it! The Blackberry Curve is still way better.”  

New Decade?! Ha! Out with the old in with the new! Let the games begin! 

Happy New Year!