My brother's messed up in the head. In some areas, rather bright. In others...not. I like to say that if you held a conversation with him, you'd conclude he was retarded. If you played checkers with him, you'd conclude that you were.

We have this stereotype in our culture: the sweet mentally retarded adult who wouldn't hurt a fly. I can't say I'm pleased that my brother defies expectations. To put it plainly: Sweet, my eye. He's a mean little mofo.

Usually, I'm the understanding one, the one who tells our mother how R would rather be anything else, how much he deserves our compassion. Sometimes, I manage to stay calm when he challenges me in conversation.

Other times--for instance, today--I have no patience. I called at my stepfather's urging: R is doing so well! New job! He's lost weight! In a really good phase!

I've made it a point to try and reward good behavior, so R won't feel as if he has to throw rocks at his neighbor and call her a whore just to get our attention. So I called. And the !@#$%^& hung up on me.

He's been on an R-against-the-world (OK: "family") kick. After a minor conversational standoff, he said, "Could it be that you and Mom and Dad are jealous of me because I'm the only one in the family who can think straight?"

Sometimes, I meet this kind of statement with aplomb. Other times, I can't. I said, "No. It can't be that we're jealous." So he ranted and hung up the phone. Which is the norm.

I'm not rendering the conversation correctly. But I have some of his words written down, from a personal message he sent me through FaceBook (after refusing to "friend" me):

I realize there might be legal and ethical concerns about posting material created by a legal incompetent and not intended for publication, so I've kept his remarks short and made a few minor changes to protect identities:

R writes:

...So why should you get in my business getting all worked up all over spilled milk when i did nothing wrong and dad mom and you make me look like the bad guy when i normally get shut out and nobody listens to me to a god damn word i see when they ignore me from total of existenance from a total a far. Also when people have questions you are always coming to me for answers what about turning to yourselves for a change and start searching for answers but i forgot unlike the family is today they are to stupid to realize their mistakes and pick up the pieces and never be able to admit when they are wrong.

I know you're probably reading his words with compassion, as I did. But, please understand: It's hard getting nothing but bile from someone I've treated kindly for the better part of 40 years. Oh, and, believe me, we do listen. Irony: As R sees it, he has never been wrong. Ever. Even when he:

locked his roommates out of the house

threatened one with a baseball bat

threatened suicide and ended up in the psych ward of a local hospital for a week

waged a frightening letter campaign against a love interest

cursed out his then-boss--a nun

Et cetera.

Worse, he was a magical child; my adorable buddy. Eight years my junior, he was sort of my kid. And I was a damn better parent than his own.

Over time, it went wrong: He got violent and crazy and scary and dangerous. He pushed our mother down the stairs. Twice.

I'm his only sibling. So...

Heaven, forgive me. I stand just over the center of the love-hate continuum, looking onto the other side.