Her hands are clasped over her ears as she stands in the middle of her seven and eight year-old peers screaming for them not to go.
They can't leave. Don't they understand? I need to help them. It's my job.
The duty comes over to assist as one of her friends runs off to get her as she is sure my daughter has received a mortal wound of some sort. By the time the duty arrives, she is slouched over her knees on the soccer field, rocking back and forth, with snot and tears soaking the neck and cuffs of her parka, as well as her leggings where her face keeps returning to the comfort of her knees.
Why didn't they listen? Don't they understand? I need to help them. It's my job.
Nothing will console her. The duty picks her up and carries her into the building. She has her teacher meet her in the hallway. Luckily, we have been pro-active in arming her teacher with tools when such occasions arise. She tells her to breathe and asks her, "What can she do to get herself centered?"
Will they be okay? Is it my fault? Did I do enough? Why wouldn't they listen to me? Don't they understand? I need to help them. It's my job.
Her rocking has stopped but she can't quit sobbing. Her whole body shakes. She almost pees her pants, but has done enough breathing to ask to be walked to the restroom. The teacher tells her she can't leave and she begins the entire breakdown process again as she can't imagine facing the bathroom alone. The teacher capitulates, calls for an aid, and walks my daughter there. She asks her to wait inside. Luckily, the teacher is out of arguments. They are both exasperated.
Will I be okay now? Are the criminals here? Will they be okay? Did I do enough? Why wouldn't they listen to me? Don't they understand? I need to help them. It's my job.
After much cajoling and breathing, my daughter begins to calm down. All the teacher can get out of her is the "house is haunted and I told them not to go." She reassures my daughter there is no such thing as haunted houses. My daughter looks at her blankly. She knows better.
I do not receive a note from the school.
*****
I see my daughter racing for the car, "Hey bubbe, how was your day?"
"I didn't get personal manager because I whined" she says.
"Bummer. We can talk about what would make a better choice when we get home. What was great about your day?"
"I got to do math problems and we read a funny story about a snoring giant. The giant was silly. Mama, can I play on the computer when we get home?"
A mental red flag goes up. We usual have reading time when she gets home. Whenever she wants the computer, it usually means the day was tough. It's her way to completely zone out.
"We'll see darlin'. How was recess today?"
"Great. Seriously. Fine. Except Sierra told me Jake and Canon want me to die."
*****
After 3 hours of holding, taking breaks, snacks, and meditations, her father and I got to the bottom of the death threat.
Half of the second-grade class was playing "mystery" during recess. The house at the end of the soccer field was haunted and there were scary things lurking inside. Lights were appearing from no where? As the day wore on, so did the fanciful story-telling.
My daughter has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. She has certain neurological difficulties as a result. Intense noise and chaos is hard for her nervous system, which makes recess incredibly challenging. As a result, we devised a schedule where between her dad, teacher, the office staff and I, she skips the middle recess during the day to give her brain a break from both the loud lunchroom and the longest recess. She only saw her Kindergarten friends at this recess, so we compromised and let her play with them at middle recess on Wednesdays until their bell rings, and then she goes to the office to read.
Of course, it was a Wednesday.
By middle recess, my daughter decided to skip playing with the kindergarteners as she felt compelled to solve this mystery, which actually translates in trauma speak to feeling responsible to protect her friends. The haunted house was a trigger for her, which means it reminded her of her actual trauma which occurred when she was only 2.5 years old and not old enough to verbalize what had transpired when we thought she was being kept safe in what turned out to be her own real version of a "haunted house". This game symbolized the memory of the horror she had to endure.
The haunted house brings about the scary feelings and free association begins - she feels like everything that happened 5 years earlier is happening again - while the landscape has changed, the feelings haven't. This is where she parts from reality to survive the challenging feelings which are coming forward, fight kicks in and her physiology is going into overdrive, and eventually she goes into flight and dissociates to endure the life-threatening situation she if facing. Except, to everyone else, it is just kids playing on a school yard. By the time the duty finds her, she is melting down from terror. To her, she and her friends are in mortal danger.
When a few friends decided they were too scared to play any longer; she panicked and thought if they left the group, they were going to die. She was upset they wouldn't listen to her, she simply couldn't understand it. And the death threat? Sierra told her at the final recess of the day, after the meltdown, that Jake and Canon wanted her and a few others to join them in seeing if the house was haunted. This translated in my daughter's mind to, "Jake and Canon want me to die if they are going to invite me to go to the haunted house."
*****
My daughter has been in counseling for over three years. She has tools and is healing one day at a time. She was not able to verbalize what happened to her until she was five years old, a year after she had been in counseling, and it is still unfolding today. We took her there because her preschool teacher advised us she thought she was ADHD and the princial wasn't sure she was emotionally mature enough to deal with other children as she was aggressive. As she was excelling academcially (it was part of a private school), we decided to put her in counseling and see what happened. It took a lot of work and volunteering to be able to help her navigate these waters.
It is difficult to explain how much it takes to help a child overcome trauma. I know how few children actually get the help they need.
I know it is the event which triggered many of the beliefs my daughter has to unwind in her mind. It takes time. Also, any other experiences which go unsorted can add to the core confusion, we stay on top of this with daily feelings work. Everything is her choice though, she is never forced to do anything she doesn't want to do.
She is in a loving home and in a public school which is pretty open to helping her, even though I wish they would be more attune with communication. The public school was much more receptive than the private one. Recess is her most challenging time, as it is for many kids. With four pairs of eyes for two hundred and fifty kids, these children are thrown into the deep end and asked to fend for their social lives.
*****
I think of soldiers who come home from war and the families who support them; the statistics of 1 in 5 American women sexually abused; a national psyche which internalizes the threat of terrorism; natural disasters; alcoholism touching 1 in 10 Americans and the pervasiveness of its reach into the family dynamic; domestic abuse; sex traffiking being the number one organized crime with upto 300,000 children affected in America today; Government failing to provide the basic allowances for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness; and I wonder at times, how many of us are silently standing in our own version of a school yard screaming?
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Comments
Dr. Spudman - Yes, fantasy is definitely harder for her to sort out. Although, PTSD in adults is manifests much the same way, we just have the benefit of knowing the haunted houses aren't real. The feelings of loss of time, reality and space consciousness are the same. And, it is pretty amazing some of the beliefs lying underneath it all. I hate early trauma - it really affects the normal functioning development of the brain in ways we are still trying to sort out. Indeed - hauntingly haunting.
Just Cathy - I was somewhat vague to protect her privacy on purpose. I was trying to speak to the nature of trauma and how it manifests. What I can say is she was sexually/physically/emotionally traumatized by someone we thought we could trust at 2.5 and potentially once at 5 months old. We didn't find this out until she was 5, and by that time, this person was out of our life.
No, it was not a real haunting. It happened in a home. However, Halloween and all things scary, like haunted houses, bring up all the feelings of fear, and it reminds her of her trauma. To her, the house might as well have been haunted...I mean that figuratively...you know, evil spirits dwelling there? She understands things in the framework of light and dark energy. She sees the criminals as having dark energy. She speaks in this language, and as it is not common terminology, she can be very wise and childlike all in one breath. As you can imagine, October is a tough time around our house. Thank you for your prayers.
Sending positive and supportive thoughts your way.
Rated.
Your poor baby!!! That must really rip your heart out when she has experiences like this. :(
It's very generous of you to tell your story and then share the empathy and concern with others who may find themselves in a similar situation. THANK YOU!
But such a heartbreaking tale you told, Sparking.
Owl - I appreciate you coming by.
Gwendolyn - Indeed, thank God. I am thankful every day I put her in counseling. It is hard to stick to your truth when so many 'experts' want to minimize, categorize, and suffocate the problem in their own effort to help. I understand many of these efforts are born of good intentions. I think it is no small miracle God gave me the presence of mind to listen to my truth and to hang in there with her without medication or to take someone else's truth as my own. I know my daughter.
Thoth - thank you.
GirlyBoyMama - yes it does. I know you understand. I especially appreciate you understanding why I write about it - as I know you do the same. So, a lot of mutual respect and gratitude right back at you sister! :)
Bellwether Vance - There were about two straight years that felt this way. It has gotten easier and better and age has helped. As she comes out of seven and heads into eight, it is really are job to arm her and those around her who will help with the tools to manage her mental illness. It is amazing how compassion is something which can not easily be taught. Kids are better than adults, but you see it starting to slip away right around the end of 2nd grade, which of course is born out of what they learn at home, too. It's often about exclusivity and what falls out of the 'normal' zone.
mypsyche - me too. I am sorry too. Yesterday I just wanted to rip her out of school, but I know that is not the lesson to teach her. She loves school and her friends. It is a very fine line. I do realize we need to get her back to some supplemental EMDR therapy again through this last episode though.
trilogy - it is heartbreaking and all too common. Thank you for your kind compliment.
JK Brady - Yes, we are lucky. Most schools really encourage medicating kids as this is the 'standard' and kids get clamped down on hard. We are very fortunate, her school is quite amazing. Our daughter is fortunate to have advocates in her corner who know how to go to bat for her in a way which isn't confrontational - this school is head and shoulders above the rest. Thank you for the continued wishes of luck.
Steve - I appreciate you recognizing the important fact that more incidences of PTSD come from other sources than war. We equate it to soldiers because this is what gets all the media attention and also where the grant funding goes to study the effects because of the VA. There isn't a strong lobby group for the "sexual abuse survivors" although the numbers are much more staggering than those who have seen live combat. Thank you for your kind and heartfelt comment.
WalkAwayHappy - I know you are darling! I felt your spirit as I was typing this article. I know I am not alone on this front. It is truly challenging navigating the perceptions of children as they sort out how they view the world and how it got mixed up for them due to the trauma on a developing brain. You are a sister in arms on the front of trauma and bless you and your family for making a difference in one child's life! ::hugs::
Dave - what an insightful comment. Yes, the big Ts and little ts of life - we certainly do have a lot of ground to cover in terms of healing.
sophieh - You are welcome. Wow, that is nice to hear. I hope I can convey that - it is hard at times, to show her love yet have to be the one who says, "hey kiddo, the world isn't melting" and be the objective outsider. If you melt with her all the time, it won't allow her to be successful. Sometimes I just want to melt with her, too.
ClarkK - I was surprised by our public school experience, too. I think it comes down to something Karin Rego touched on yesterday - public school has a greater degree of inclusiveness. Private schools, in general, when we looked at them, truly cater to a degree of elitism, except in a more unconventional settings like Montessori. Of course, there are exceptions to both sides of the coin, and geography and economics come into play. Our community is highly participative even though economics is a factor - we are liberally minded on the whole. It is a good mix. Thank you for the kind writing critique.
This was written with great beauty. So sorry this happened to your daughter.
Good luck to you in your journey. I'm glad your daughter has you.
Rated
R
I am a public school teacher who is, ironically enough, a result of private school education. In private school, as a general rule, the outside matters, a lot. "Dissonant" behavior, to call it something, is frowned upon. You are supposed to swallow the pain and pretend nothing has happened to you. I know. I know.
Public school teachers are trained to deal with most types of students' needs. And experience fine-tunes education. Specialized teachers trained to deal with children with multiple needs (be they academic or emotional or health-related ) are usually found in public schools (because the for the teacher the salary/benefits package is better, because the state has to provide a free and appropriate public education). At least that is the truth in my country.
Of course, true teachers care about their students, regardless of salary and benefits, and I am so glad your daughter has been placed in these professionals' classrooms.
In my 18 years as a teacher I have seen a little bit of everything. Some students are more challenging than others. All have the ability to shine and overcome. All deserve our best effort.
And truly, your daughter is giving also her best effort.
Wishing you the best.
Eden - thank you for your kind words. I have learned with time to accept apologies from those who offer them, although I know we both understand you are offering them for the pain, obviously not because of any sort of guilt for the crimes. I say this because I learned to hear those apologies as ways to heal - to know other people cared even to say it although we weren't ever going to hear it from the people who did this to her - so it actually means a lot. Thank you.
Scanner - Indeed! I really believe the lack of structure around recess is a significant contributor to why bullying occurs. Our school district does focus on "pillars of character", which is a huge plus, but with neurodiversity (such as ADHD, probably some undiagnosed trauma, and autism) on the rise, loud unstructured time is hard on all these kids. I wish we helped kids have more successful conflict resolution skills and learn how to clean up after mistakes. It would help so much.
Bob - you are welcome. It is difficult to write - but I know in doing so it opens eyes and helps people understand the nature of PTSD better. Also, people are naturally more compassionate towards children. If they can understand what happens for them, they may be a little more sensitive to adults who are struggling with this disorder, and other things which make them "different" from others.
froggy - yes it does - recess does stink for some kids. It was a mixed bag for me. It certainly never had a feeling of security for me as I remember it. I'm glad my daughter and I have each other - oh, and that sweet husband of mine. :)
geezerchick - while I know you are the second person to say that, I want to challenge that notion a bit. My daughter isn't really thinking of others here, she is terrified they are going to die. She isn't being altruistic, she is being alarmist, as in "look, don't you see the house is burning?" It inflicts a sense of over responsibility on her, when her only job is to be 7, or more specifically, 7.5. I share this because it is one of those fine distinctions that comes with trauma - what looks like a sweet notion, which indeed she is sweet, manifests as being overly responsible for other people. She then at times can be demanding, overbearing, and bossy, without people understanding why. So, you have to constantly roll things back and look for the clues. Talk about a game of "mystery" - we're living it. I sincerely appreciate the comment, and, you are right, she is very sweet, its just that trauma constantly distorts her perception.
luluandphoebe - yes, the caregivers don't get the breaks. That is for sure! I know there are a lot of us out there, giving in different ways. I was about to say it is easier when it is your child, but how do I know? It is all hard. We all need breaks.
Akopsa - thank you!
rainee174 - My heart goes out to you and your son. I understand. I know the phobias and the symbols. I understand. Yes, it is anxiety-inducing for the parents. Meditation has been key for my family - it helps us all. However, there is inevitably a crash period, whether it is after a week of buildup, or a big episode like this one. Thank you for being another sister out there fighting the good fight! ::love::
sweetfeet - I think we've gotten past awful - yes, we have. We're more grateful than anything now - we have all grown so much and are really tight as a family. I appreciate the hug - one big one coming back to you!
I'm the parent of a child with special needs - not the same thing you are dealing with, but a challenging parenting situation like you face. So I know something of the kinds of feelings that a parent goes through. I just wanted to say that you are doing a wonderful job, but maybe more importantly, is that the kids do heal and get better. My son is 20 now, and doing very well. I know from experience that the kind of care, attention, insight, empathy and effort you are putting in will make a huge difference for your daughter in the end. Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that you can't just be like other parents, which is challenging enough, but believe me, when you see the result of your care, you will feel blessed.
Wow. I'm so glad your daughter has parents like you and your husband. I've wondered "how many of us are silently standing in our own version of a school yard screaming?" myself many times. Much love to you and your family.
Bingo.
Recess is a problem. As a parent and a teacher, I can say this with confidence. Sure, some kids love it, but for many, many others it is a nightmare. The wounding of children--both physically and psychically--happens most in this small window of time.
I was horrified to discover once that a kindergartner told her mother she was made to lift up her skirt while a boy stuck a stick in her; this happened "at school." It is impossible for any classroom teacher to be 100% certain that she sees every happening, but I couldn't for the life of me recreate a scene in which this could have happened in our classroom. It turns out the event happened at recess under the not-so-watchful eyes of the aides, who tend to clump together chatting to themselves. Mostly they act as though the kids are an intrusion to their own social hour.
And what seems like "small stuff"--the exclusion and bullying and just carelessness that characterize the dynamics of small children--can really, really hurt. And that all gets unleashed on the sunny blacktop.
I'm so sorry for your struggle.
I worry most about the silent children; The ones who don't scream, because they know they won't be heard.
Please hug that precious little girl of yours for me.
I want to repeat this, that you wrote:
"more incidences of PTSD come from other sources than war. We equate it to soldiers because this is what gets all the media attention and also where the grant funding goes.....] There isn't a strong lobby group for the "sexual abuse survivors" although the numbers are much more staggering than those who have seen live combat."
This fact should drop us all to our knees.
Lastly, recess was hell on earth.
Love to her, and you.
John - really? Wow. I take that as a high compliment - really. When I write such personal stuff, in hopes of spreading some compassion through words, I am aiming for the low bar and happy if anyone reads. This is indeed good news. Thank you!
v. seijo - thank you for your wisdom as a teacher, especially where school is concerned, private vs. public. That makes a lot of sense! I have so much respect for teachers - her school is nothing shy of amazing. Thank you for your 18 years of service.
Bonnie - me, too.
Karin G. - I ::feel:: them. Thank you!
Karin R. - Ahhh....the two Karins...I can start my village now! :)
Megan - no, I actually appreciate the recommendation. I have a lot of experience and knowledge of different therapies, through study and my own experience, too, and I have read a bit on this one. EMDR has been very successful for me, and she has done bits of it from time to time, but since she is younger, I actually thought this one might be more up her alley.
I won't mention how much therapy has cost us and our family. Since the parody law did not go into effect until this year, we have had to pay for everything above 20 visits. This was on top of $34,000 in claims already denied to us by our medical insurance through a separate crisis. It is hard to discuss.
Just Cathy - NO! Please don't be sorry, I just wanted you to know why I didn't put it in there. But, I know the story, so it is hard to tell from the outside what doesn't "come through" if you will. I'm glad you asked - it needed to be said. If I want people to understand the nature of PTSD, I need to be willing to share the basics. Thank you for helping me to do that, as hard as it is. PLEASE know I was just trying to be thoughtful in my first comment...I wasn't sure how to say it just yet. You know I ::heart:: you.
Sir Sidney - "Sometimes it doesn't seem fair that you can't just be like other parents, which is challenging enough, but believe me, when you see the result of your care, you will feel blessed." Thank you - I will trust your wisdom on that. I truly hope she will feel loved and respected...that is my biggest wish.
ozmoses - thank you for coming by.
Jill - You know, as I was typing that last paragraph, you popped into my mind! I know by what you write, especially one of your last pieces, that you consider people from this place. I really respect that. Thank you for being the soul that you are.
Lainey - Don't get me started on the lunchroom ladies at our school! ;) Seriously though, thank you for your experienced eyes. This is a hard story to hear. Yes, I can't imagine that happening in a classroom either, and I have volunteered and taught Art in a few. The hope of this changing, when basic funding is barely met, is meager at best. It is truly disheartening.
Funny thing is, my kid will still tell you she loves it. She wants to play like everyone else. She wants to fit in so badly. She can not help her neurology and brain condition at this point in her life. I think we have a reasonable plan for her with inevitable hiccups which is how life will be. We are considering noise-canceling headphones, though, but she is resistant. I just wish the overall plan would change for all of them.
grif - thank you my friend.
big fat trauma queen - "She is screaming because she knows there are people in her life who love her enough to HEAR her." You are right! While it is gut-wrenching, the big silver lining is that she is screaming, and I thank God for that every day. She knows how to scream. I know there are so many who don't and keep it all inside. I was one of those kids.
Your daughter has the best parents. I do hope her oppressor has died, or is incarcerated against repeating his/her acts on anyone else. The SE stuff sounds very good. EMDR does wonders for many. I recently heard good things about exposure therapy. Good that she is getting early treatment! Namaste.
'Not all wounds are visible.'
Lisa - thank you. Your kindness is appreciated.
Caroline - Thank you my dear! Bittersweet EPs - hopefully more eyes for an important topic yet still personal so you wish it weren't so. I always appreciate your kindness as well Caroline.
Petuunia - "This fact should drop us all to our knees." Oh Petuunia, I wish it would. I sincerely, with all my heart, wish it would make everyone stop and consider how horrific this epidemic truly is.
I recently reviewed Clancy's book the "Trauma Myth", which was hard for me to do as I disagree with her conclusions as it runs counter to everything which has helped my family heal and what I have seen work for so many people, but she uncovered some pretty amazing facts in her research as well. So, I know not to throw the baby out with the bathwater as they say.
Thank you for your wise and heartfelt comment.
Joe - I love you, too.
Natalie - Ditto. I know you are a warrior mom as well. Thank you for your sweet words felt half-way around the world. It means a lot.
emma - I am not sure how to reply. I guess I want to say "I am sorry" first. I told someone earlier here that I am thankful to the universe whenever I hear those words now as it is better to hear them from loving people than never to have any compassion at all. I am sorry you have to suffer with this, too. I do as well. It is a huge struggle. I am thankful to know you are such a warrior, too. Much love to you and yours and thank you for the thoughtful compliment.
dragonlady - "PTSD has shown up in my life in many ways, and not until my late 30's did I seek treatment, or even know to seek treatment." YES! This is all-too-common. It was what happened for me, too. Many of us are silent until it becomes to painful not to be. Thank you for sharing that.
Lady Dove - thank you, you are very tender.
Julie - We both seem to want to channel Steve tonight. Thanks for the vote of confidence!
2nd- Halloween was my favorite holiday from before memory, but it never occurred to me until just now how safe and secure I must have felt in my life for that to be so. Knowing how difficult my favorite holiday is for your child- well, sadness doesn't begin to describe it.
Patie - I appreciate you taking the time to read. Yes, we certainly do need more education.
bedford_falls - "I cannot for the life of me fathom the mind of someone who would inflict such depravity on a child." I can not either. I have tried to understand, and it still escapes me. I know longer try. I just know what I can do and that is focus on my daughter and know that healing really is the best revenge. Thank you for your wonderful support.
mamoore - Ahhh! Thanks mamoore! You always touch my heart strings in such a nice way. I feel supported in my care-giving by another delightful care-giver out there. Much love to you.
Wycked - It is sad something so sweet has been turned into something to torture her with. Easter is the same way, her assault happened over Easter.
I am happy to hear your mom found healing when she did. It is never, ever, ever too late. I was 30 before I started finding the real answers, even though I had looked pretty hard before that. I can certainly appreciate the difficulty it takes to take the first step.
But you, Sparking, your heart must have been broken open by all of this. Over and over again. The picture of your little one curled up with her face hiding against her knees is so achingly sad. How brave you have had to be, all of you.
luck and love on your family journey
Gail - we really have had to be. It is a tough story to share, but I want the truth about trauma to be revealed and not dictated by a few authors or even people in the field. We all have a relevant voice.
We are now considering doing 1/2 days with my daughter as she can not stay "in her body" due to all the extra stimulation. It is very hard to deal with in a public school, as extra accomodations require an IEP (for academic help) or a 504 (for social/emotional issues). We are looking at getting a 504. I will be doing more posts on this I believe, as long as I can do it in a way that balances my daughter's privacy and sharing good information.
Anne - thank you, thank you, thank you. It is a tough story. I appreciate all the kind support I have gotten here. The support is helpful and sharing the information I hope will be insightful. Our community has been very supportive, which has been the crux of our success, as we do not have a lot of family support.
Kathy - deep thanks for your kind comment and support.
By the way, I praise you for not revealing all those details that would only betray your daughter, and would upset most here. I think having a two parent home is wonderful in this situation. You can all be together and I hope your daughter does feel she is not alone. How could she feel alone with this when you are o so tuned in. You must be exhausted and I celebrate your parenting and her childing despite all that went before. Lighting a big gold candle for all three of you, right now. Blessings!