I have lost the ability to hold many I love to death's grip. I didn't get to choose how any of them left this planet, but it felt the same each and every time-unearthing.
Each loss shook a place inside of me which was fragile and well-guarded.
This life, this precious life, why must it end?
***
I remember driving back from a family trip in the back of our shiny, silver Chevy pickup truck all curled up in the back under natty blankets while keeping tabs on the moon through the back hood of our canopy.
My mother was lying beside me late one evening when my dad decided to "drive through." She snored gently, air leaving her nostrils too warm on my face. I couldn't cuddle up in any way, but I appreciated her warmth, even if it was just body heat.
The moon told me a story that night.
Her blessed white glow told me she was the steadfast la luna in the sky which would watch over all the millennia as we ebbed and flowed through all our conations.
I felt the brilliance of such a truth and in the next moment mourned the impermeability of humanity as best I understood it at seven.
I didn't want to loose my mother - ever.
I risked curling up close and let the tears of both joy and sorrow creep out of my eyes ever so silently as not to wake her.
***
This week I lost a friend to the grips of Alcoholism. The news hit that well-guarded spot within which takes the blows softly and then scurries off to a private place to eek out the pain.
Her name was/is Lisa. She was a mother of three fair-haired girls, a daughter, an employee, and a friend. As with many of us, she was doing the best she could. I believe that.
I believe we are all doing the best we can at any given moment.
She lost her battle to the baffling hold alcoholism can have over a person's heart, mind and soul.
I hope she is peaceful now.
***
My son Jessie visits me when I struggle with the impermanence of life. I remember the brief time he and I had together and I choke up. I hear his words gently in my ear and I let the floodgates of emotion fly open.
(I no longer have to cry in silence).
"It is okay mom. I am okay. Remember? Lisa is here with me now and will be there forever, too. A piece of her is in all three of her daughters, just as a piece of me resides in my sister. You can still reach out to her when you are ready – she is not gone.
We never die, don't forget, we never die."
I thank my son for his hard-won wisdom. He lost his life to attain it. I listen like the proud mother I am.
The light of God fills us both and I accept every word he speaks into my humanity.
I let it seep in as the tears for my friend are met with the glowing essence of immortality.
***
Each time I lose someone I face the lesson that so many of us, including me, try to manage death. I remind myself, once again, that death is not the opposite of life - birth is.
***
The moon is bright again tonight.
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Cranky Cuss
Catherine Forsythe
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anna1liese
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Emily Rapp
Salon.com
Comments
*warm hug, Sparking. (I try not to think about that question to often ... it only rips me up inside.)
I'm thinking of you and, as I'm sure you already know, always here if you need me for anything at all.
Much love xox
You are very wise......love to you in your sorrow.
Amanda - Hug felt - thank you.
mypsyche - I am taking good care of myself - I promise. Grieving can be tedious work and I have a lot of experience with it. I am thankful to have such loving and gorgeous friends here.
Natalie - Thank you sweet friend! I am sorry for the trials of losing two women close to you, that could not have been easy. I feel your support all the way up North! :)
We need to all remember that!!!
Rated.
Lovely meditation here, sparking. La luna, la bella luna teaches much.
R
Your writing is very moving here and I just opened this.
I am truly with you here in sorrow Sparking. I hope the piece you carry of the ones passed on stays forever with your beautiful soul and it brings some comfort this day.
Homey. Good.
Homey in that,
Ya comforting.
You'd be One?
One to cry with?
Weeping heals.
Don't call Nationwide or a CEO at Allstate. CEOs should feel the pains the create.
No touch hands.
CEOs paws stink.
I know folks can't brood and become bitter. But, the so-called-well to do are Misery!
Sometimes a so-called`Drunk is self-medicating. It may be a type of search for `a Spirits?
I type of `Mendicant?
One begging as`Search?
A Spiritual ('holy') Aspirant?
CEOs & Pals on the Way Out?
I am ANGRY at Pelosi & Rangel!
They hobnob and carouse in DC!
Rangel is Ways & Means politico!
The creeps take red boozer gulps!
Jug politicians go on juggernauts!
Madame Pelosi can read B. Pascal!
Ranger like to gamble. The Wager!
Pelosi may sing to Rangel a lullaby?
I was told (Nora's DC eatery) this:`
JUGs of wine they slurp @ $350!
That decadent mob say sex is $$!
`
apology. Ranting and spieling helps me Not go out to morn in dark barrooms. courtrooms. bank, huh.
If you ever walk Capital Hell? Evil.
Ya smell and feel How Ill they are.
Sparking?
If it's true Ya come East I show Ya.
We can go serve raw goat carrion.
Let's haul dead people on wagons.
Ya know how to saddle a mule up?
Ya preach on Jesus, Moses, food?
Dead pullets hens, roosters crap?
Polluted junk food, H2O, Big Mac.
I sit on thee mule wagon and nap?
I'll visit a local nunnery? Sip ales.
tease.
But, I've know great drunks. I use to have this fed 'gig' with the V.A. Doing crisis intervention, that's education! One likable veteran has seen so much as a War Medic, and the past horrible imagery of PFCs standing around the DOC/MEDIC in a jungle SCREAMING`Save him doc. PLEASE don' let him die, doc. PLEASE don't let him (TROOPS) die doc! PLEASE don't let him (HER) die doc! apology?
flashbacks
thanks tho
touch pain
While Same-Same goes on as I read (weep?), the ethics committee, Doj's ABA (American Bar Association) is one block from the White House, The Veterans Association, and K & H- Street sop-face bars. I could mention a great food DC eatery, & WHO sips what? Sip/julip jugs @ $250-350 per jug!
Mint.
Money.
Filthy Lucre.
They are gonna croak!
They will tell Moses joke!
The cruel ill batch of crap!
A inner core smells gross!
`
I was just gonna express my empathy.
The likable 'Boom Farm' aspirant is dead.
He was detoxed 52 times at the W.V. VAMC.
Oh, and I guess it's not ethical for taxpayers?
Rangel sip sewer water. Pelosi wears a whig?
FAKES.
O Look.
Carrion.
DOD walk.
O Phonies.
huh apology?
The whiskey eventually put vets mind/body/soul out of misery. I am just saying?
But No Forget?
Ya Immortality?
The FOOL?
DC THUG!
Sick fat cat!
If You go to DC and go to Capital Hill? Nail a sign on the front door?
THOU SHALL NOT STEEL, PLUMB DEPTH OF HELL'S ABYSS's AND SMELL, AND YOU KNOW ABOUT STEALING? THE WOOD WORKS, WALL-MART, K-STREET, CARPENTRY, AND WOOD BURIAL COFFINS? okay ask CEOs. WAIL AT WAILER WEEPER WALL.
GRIM
REAPER
WASTRELS
Open and sip a case of Boom Farm.
Rot-guts politico's cause real pains.
I wake. Prey? Get 'um Nature/God.
gads.
gross.
moral?
No browse the Front Page www. Salon.
Because? Open Saloon sip sour goat milk.
tease. I respect the good traits I see there.
No. Fresh grass fed with oats and raison.
No sip $350- jug of red-blood. Pick kale.
Do jump and jack and 3,500` Push Ups.
Capital Hill make me upchuck`Oat Meal.
Mangy mutts jackals return to lap`Vomits.
It's in the scripture. Have sober`Good Life.
Good Morning. It's cold and wind do`Howl.
I am glad you still find comfort in your sons being...and that you see him and Lisa together. At peace at least.
My heart goes out to you, more than you know - and I appreciate both your courage and your artistic ability to express the deeper struggles with such eloquence...
R.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Alcoholism is a horrible disease. This was beautifully written and moving. Much love to you.
The moon told me a story that night
This whole piece is just so touching.
Thank you.
You are very wise.
(And your word for it is perfect -- it is, simply, unearthing. So glad you're hearing him.)
Great big Love to you! Julie
I see obvious poetry that screams POETRY always as a challenge, daring me to approach and solve the riddle it poses. Yours, tho - and this is poetry - is as if you've opened your heart and your mind and invited me to share what you have. I am saddened by your loss and I gladly share the ache in your heart. Your eloquent cloak warms us both. (r)
I see obvious poetry that screams POETRY always as a challenge, daring me to approach and solve the riddle it poses. Yours, tho - and this is poetry - is as if you've opened your heart and your mind and invited me to share what you have. I am saddened by your loss and I gladly share the ache in your heart. Your eloquent cloak warms us both. (r)
I usually reply to every comment but I am just soaking up your words today - I really, really thank you for that.