Seeing Sarah Jessica Parker criss-crossing the country in the new reality series "Who Do You Think You Are?", hosted by Lisa Kudrow who was on location in Ireland and saw the BBC's version and was sure America needed our own, left me with mixed feelings about my own roots but definitely intrigued by hers.
The first episode shows Sarah going to her hometown of Ohio and following her maternal lineage to California where one ancestor died on his quest to find Gold in the mid 1800's California gold rush. While he made it to California, he died there of some unnamed disease leaving a wife and a son whom he never met based upon the dates. It visibly affected her.
While hunting down another strand of the family line, she went back to Massachusetts looking for the first record of her ancestral line in America. She found him - born fifteen years after the Mayflower landed. One of his children was later wrapped up in the Salem witch trials, and by the hair of her chinny chin chin, missed the wrap of execution by a few days as the Special Court of Oyer and Terminer was dismantled on October 22nd and her warrant was November 8th - the actual last documented warrant of the Salem witch trials.
My own family history is horrific at best. Everything I thought I knew was turned upside down when I had repressed memories 'break'. The idea of memory and how we repress or simply don't remember is so controversial in itself, my own therapist wanted to know where I heard the term "repressed memories." Within a few days, she asked me to sign a legal waiver. I found a new therapist.
The task of unwinding the truth from the lies was daunting. That process continues to unfold. It has taken years and I have been left with more questions than answers as my immediate family is too dangerous to engage. When I saw the promotions for this show, I actually wondered if the idea of digging around in my roots would help me find a connection to something beyond my immediate family as I feel akin to an orphan now. I also could never understand what accounted for my paternal side's "dark skin" and there were never any answers which were clear or made much sense.
While I doubt I will ever know the truth of my immediate ancestry; I guess it would be nice to know if there is something deeper to reach back to, link up with, and ultimately find knowledge of someone I would actually be proud to call family and share history with.
*****
"They faced death, fear, pain and hunger almost without defenses, could no longer accept the consolation of the churches, and could obtain useful advice from Reason. ... They moved spasmodically on through life and had no belief in a tomorrow."
-Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game
I think many of us wish to know our history and how we interconnect. While Hesse was talking of an unknown time in the future, even as late as the 25th century, I think those Nobel worthy words were insightful well before their time and have probably made their way into the psyche of many of us already.
In Africa, an ancient spiritual practice a dear friend of mine witnessed while in the Peace Corps in Malawi and beyond, involved taking beads and creating a circular shape in the dirt and using different color beads to represent your ancestors. While conducting a chant (or meditation), beads were taken away and replaced with something symbolic when an ancestor did not appear to be serving your lineage. It was an energetic agreement to sever any unharmonious ties and move forward with something more healing for the person.
*****
After watching "Who Do You Think You Are?" and seeing Carrie Bradshaw-er-Sarah Jessica Parker uncover her roots in America, its history, and the ancestors who paved that way, I have begun to have hope I may find a few gold nuggests of my own if I just go digging.
On completing that, I plan to draw in the dirt, light a fire, put on my best ancestral dress (whatever it turns out to be), and take from the scrumptious African heritage of moving some beads to clear a path of energetic healing to symbolize a bright future for myself, my daughter, and all my lovely descendents to come.
Do you think Sarah would come wearing pearls?
Image: NBC.com
Next Episode: Emmitt Smith
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R
but please remember that it's who YOU are that really matters, who you help your daughter become that will be your legacy. i hope you find what you need for your own peace of mind. (r)
Patty - there was a post already? Bummer, I missed it. Well, hopefully there are enough people interested in this show. I know, the show really got me thinking too...it's really good.
MissingK8 - I know who I am is ultimately what matters, I've long accepted the idea of being alone. However, it would be great to find out some truths since I was told so many lies. Who wouldn't want that? Sarah discovering her own bits of truth was definitely inspiring...I just felt some hope there was something else out there actually related to me besides pain and misery.
Susan - I think we all have to decide that for ourselves. I know learning about my own immediate past was the only way I was going to set myself free. I know that truth for myself. As far as ancestors, I probably would be just fine living a life never knowing but I am intrigued. Who doesn't like a good mystery?
At the same time I'm afraid to remember because all I have is who I am now. I am still part of a large extended family and have incredibly crazy parents. What I do know about them is they are all pretty out there and good at concealing what they're about. Both my parents sides have some real unusual people in my gene pool Cuisinart.
Sometimes I feel like I'm picking at scabs, I know they're going to bleed but I can't seem to stop myself. I'm saving the glass bead story in hopes I can adapt it for me soon.
Trilogy - really? Oh, I am kind of getting excited now. I wonder how to get started. They had all this help on that show...it would be interesting, that is for sure.
l'Heure Bleure - I had been picking at the scab for years and then one day...rip! One of the most unearthing days of my life. Words will never describe it. But, I am the better for it. Those blanks you talk about? I know now I am not the only one. If you want to know, you can, but you are the only one who can decide that. Many people are comfortable with where they are at as the unknown is scarier. For me, the weight I felt was scarier so I needed to know.
"Gene pool cuisinart" - great description.
Dave - thanks my friend!
Wendy - sage advice. All of my grandparents passed before I was born save one. He was a criminal too and pretty convalesced by the time I would think to take interest in him. First level family tier is all pretty much deceased or criminal - one aunt/uncle and two cousins are the only exception - but I still keep my distance. So, I will take your word on it and tell you how it works out for me and what it changes...
My family, the part I grew up with, was a terrible mess and many of them did things that really hurt me as a child. But I found that before all of that there were good enterprising, pioneer sorts who aren't so different than my husband and I are now with the addition of modern conveniences.
I wish you good fortune in your search and I hope that you find as I did that there was someone like you in your family before, a prototype of you, strong, wise, resilient and gracious.
It's funny, because I love history, but I've never been that interested in tracing family roots, beyond knowing stories about my grandparents, whom I knew. Perhaps because three of the four were immigrants, and I figured that information would be lost and untraceable. And because I didn't think it would be relevant to me, I think. The ones who came here, that started this new life in this new place, they seemed the ones who mattered.
Good luck on your journey. A bright future is what matters.
"You shimmer and you glow," Sparkling. You are a golden nugget yourself.
I am so moved by your writing, Sparking. This piece just sings to me._r
This series makes those of us who lost ancestors/records in the Holocaust especially sad.
Sometimes it is better to not just repress but take away (for good) and replace with something better - here and now. I try to only resurrect the good memories from my past - the others serve nothing but to drag me down to a place I am no longer at...so much life here and now to make good and great memories fresh!
Is ANYONE surprised by this?? LOL
Maybe following your fascinating journey, Sparking, will ignite my own fire to look backward. (r)
Great post.
r
Henri Louis Bergson in Creative Evolution...
I'm seldom interested in mainstream TV's hyperbole, but genealogy is peek worthy, especially in your case, enlightening that sense of purpose is always coo!
But I think you're on to that one... I like this direction Sparking! RRR
Frank - I know, memory is still in the early stages of brain science. They know quite a bit, but still, it is amazing to realize they only realized in the 90s our brains were not hardwired as previously thought for time immemorial. In Jen Shin Jytsu, an energy healing I practice, we believe you come into each life with 4 generations of your ancestors memories/genetics in your DNA. Karma can blend. It's interesting what our brains hold. It is comforting to know there are others out there getting just as curious as I am. Love to know if you come up with any good nuggets yourself!
Pilgrim - sounds like you knew of your immediate lines? That would be wonderful. I can see why one wouldn't feel compelled to search if that were the case. I think for me it's all blank so it feels like an interesting canvas to paint. I got nothing...if I go digging and find something, as long as its not all dark, I think that would be refreshing for me. After clearing the wreckage of my past, it feels hopeful in some way.
C.K. - My dear friend. You are so kind it is humbling for my heart. Yes, I believe in daily redemption like you. And, I believe in clearing the past for a clear future - its what saved my life. This seems like a little icing on the cake...a hopeful 'maybe'. What do I really have to lose I guess? But, if it starts to feel yucky, I'll stop. Sometimes I just have to do a little digging in the dirt...something about that darn dirt...to see where it gets me. I already figured out it wasn't China. Love Sparkling to you. ;)
Joan - Heck with Sarah, I'm inviting you!
Gabby - great question! There's both. I actually watched the Oprah episode highlighting this show and Henry Louis Gates was on showing cutting-edge DNA testing which isn't public yet which can literally trace some of your genetic to common ancestral lines millions of years ago. However, those do not come with specific stories. So, you can do a bit of hunting in both worlds. It showed Eva Longoria getting a test result which showed her genetic ancestral makeup in %. It also was able to link her and Yo-Yo Ma to the same genetic line at some point. Cool, huh?
ba da boom ching
I wish you continued strength, a bounty of love that surrounds you always, and all the good things you so deserve.
As always, you are your own light, and you will continue to forge your way out of the darkness of the past.
Another lovely post from you. I love the African ritual.
Lea - I completely understand. The Holocaust is a horrific stain on human history - it makes me sad as well. My godmother's family were Russian and went through horrible ethnic cleansing during that time, when she was in a car accident which killed my god father, she regressed back to childhood due to a traumatic brain injury. When I came into the room to see her, she had gotten out of bed and was hiding under it and told us she was trying to hide the sugar. It is simply heartbreaking. There has been suggestion I may have Jewish lineage in my paternal side, but my own history is so muddled and mixed with lies, I doubt put much stock into it until I see it on paper. Blessings to you and your ancestors.
Leonde - I appreciate that point of view! Thank you for your comment.
Scanner - I have to think so too! Otherwise, how have I survived? I don't think it is on my own merits alone. There has to be stock back there, and culture, which is virtuous and healthy. I am excited to see what I find. Looking at me, I am no doubt Scandinavian, yet, I know there is more to it.
Studman - NO! ;)
Patricia - I think that is a very valid point of view. I almost see them as separate though now that I am flushing this out- searching out your ancestry and living in the past. Ancestry can have spiritual connections, ritual significance, and the like. The past is more about state of mind and whether one chooses "to live there." As someone with repressed memories that broke, I have a unique point of view in that I absolutely believe in the value of healing the past. I see its significance in every aspect of my being - body/mind/spirit/soul. I am thankful I have gone through this process and believe not doing so would have been my demise. At the same time, I don't think it's a one-size-fits-all choice. Thank you for your comment.
Bell - thank you. Yes, that would be a challenge after being adopted. I really appreciate you sharing that point of view.
Ocular - maybe you know just enough! ;0
You know, Sparkling, they say we all need therapy, but I always figured that for me it would be like that thread you try to break but instead just keeps unraveling.
I meant to watch this show, thanks for reminding me.
Donna - so you wrote about this show, too? I'll come by. Sorry I missed it. Thanks for your comment.
v.seijo - yes, I would like to see the day when the DNA testing is cheap and readily available, too. What an interesting thing to be born in the Caribbean...no wonder you are multilingual!
Owl - the feeling is quite mutual, and I would equally like to pick yours. :)
Patrick - thanks. We'll see how it goes. I like the quote, too by the way...very circular which is how I feel much of life is.
Scarlett - crazy fun, huh? I, too, am a believer in the richness of history and the importance it plays in my life. Sometimes the history isn't always in the details, either, I trust the universe will bring me what I'm supposed to know. My job is just to stay open...
wschanz - you are funny!
Eden! - thanks for tracking my journey and all the loving comments you provide along the way.
Caroline - ::blushing:: - I admire your work so much you always make me smile. By the way, I am beginning to work on fictionalizing my memoir a bit, and I have borrowed your name for a character. I just wanted you to know. Something about your energy just fit perfectly.
Julie - isn't is just the coolest? I know you are a connoisseur of the love and light and I am thrilled when I meet someone who understands that language. Shanti, Shanti.
RavingBits - great way of looking at it! I have always craved adventure as well. I am going through a "sit and ponder" period of my life, which can be aggravating at times, but I know it will pan out in the adventure department later. Thanks for coming by!
Fay - I worry about that 'they.' I believe we need what we need when we need it. I have had a love/hate relationship with therapy because I've needed so much of it. Mostly its love now as I have found excellent, excellent care, after many hard knocks. As far as regressions go, I'm not one to chase things but certainly understand why people want to do it. There is a new therapy called EMDR (not sure if you know about it) which allows you to process memories in a conscious, non-hypnotic state. What is good about this is you are fully in control of what you see or don't see. It's quite interesting, and in the case of trauma survivors, really life-saving. Something to chew on. I fully understand the thread analogy...I had the same feeling for a long time, too.
Emmitt Smith is on tonight, I'm really looking forward to that one as I saw a bit preview on Oprah.
I think most of us are interested in our lineage. We hope that it will reveal truths about ourselves.
Memory is such a mysterious thing. I have very few concrete memories from my childhood and I forget things that happened only a few years ago. It actually makes me sad that I might be losing pieces of myself like crumbs leading off behind me.
I feel for you. I hope you find peace in your journey. Sending you much love as you take the next steps towarding self-discovery.