Sparking My Own Evolution

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Sparking

Sparking
Location
OURS!
Birthday
October 31
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Traffic Negotiator
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Planet Earth
Bio
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************

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APRIL 30, 2010 3:17AM

The Double Blind

Rate: 42 Flag

Today, I am a stickler for truth.

This is not something I came by naturally; my mother would lie to change her dentist appointment.  Nothing was ever simple in my house.

What I found after leaving the psych unit of a prestigious hospital where I had admitted myself for fear I might kill my father after abuse memories broke, was strange mixed with more strange.  I couldn't be alone.  I felt his presence everywhere.  I was sure he would be "just around the corner" at any moment.  A heightened level of paranoia took over my life during this time.

It lasted two solid weeks, until I had time to gain my footing back in the "real" world.  Life vacillated between monotones; it was full of deep shades of brick red where my rage permeated my being as well as solid, deep purple when the fear overcame my sensibilities.

At least the rage had an anchor now; previously, it felt as if I was mad at the world without caution.  There was some measure of relief in that.

I had swallowed a big chunk of truth and there was no going back.

*****

She walked up to me like a child approaches a dog they are not sure is going to bite them.  

I was trembling but relieved to see her.  My upper body was bent by the weight of feeling her physical presence.  It was the evening of my thirty-third birthday and I was still in the hospital.   She held a stuffed teddy bear in her hand.

"Here," she said.  "I know you always liked the Teddy Bear we got you at Yellowstone...I couldn't think what to get you."

"I don't need anything mom; I'm just happy to see you." 

"You are?" she replied with trepidation.

"Yes.  I see now you were suffering from alcoholism and couldn't help me, because you didn't know what dad was doing.  He fooled us both."

She gave me a worried smile.  It had been two years since we were face to face. When we last met, I expressed three requirements of her to be in my life, and she was only willing to do two of them.  The first was to be sober - she agreed.  The second was to support me in prosecuting the man who molested me at the neighbor's house (my only conscious abuse memories which had been swept under the rug at the time) - she reluctantly agreed.  The third was to go to counseling - she said she wouldn't do that.  To her it wasn't fair because I hadn't asked my father to do the same thing.  She was forever worried about my requirements of my father, not her own wrong doings.

"You don't look good Sparking.  I'm worried about you."

"Well, you are here now.  At least I have one parent in my corner, that means a lot."

*****

As I drove up the gravel drive to see my guru Bruce, I felt excited to hear what new paradigm he could turn upside down and inside out.

He was always doing that.

 

  My Guru

 

The Pyramid Cabin

 

"Your soul is here in search of emotional experience.  It doesn't see an experience as good or bad, it just wants the richness of the experience."  

"So, at some level, I want to experience the horror of being abused?"  I said this with disdain dripping on every word.

"That is what your soul is here to do.  Enlightenment means 'in knowledge of'. We are here gaining knowledge of every human experience.  That is how one achieves enlightenment."

"So every human being has to go through this if they want to achieve enlightenment?"

"I didn't say that.  I said they have to achieve the feeling, which can be done in your imagination as easily as it can be done in form." 

He had said this to me several times over the last couple months since my release from the hospital. Yet, this is the first time I asked him directly to apply the spiritual context to my own experiences.

This made me angry.  Was he blaming me?

I was quiet the rest of our session.

*****

Once those first two weeks had past after my hospital stay, we found out my father-in-law was dying.  He had been fighting a rare type of bone cancer and the scales had tipped out of his favor.

We did a whirlwind packing job to move from our current place out to the country, as I no longer felt safe living in our apartment.  My husband was humoring me at some level, but he was very respectful about it.

We boarded our plane and I went into my familiar survival mode.  How I cordoned off pain the way I did, as if I had a section of my mind I could simply wall off in order to push through current circumstances, is a gift I now hold dear.

I went to say goodbye to a man I held very close to my heart.

*****

My mom promised to call when she said goodbye to me.

We were always very unsure around each other.  In some ways I wanted to curl up in her arms for the first time in my life, and in other ways I still wanted to yell at her.  But, at the time, I was grateful she was brave enough to come. 

My AA sponsor had told me, "It is never too late for someone to show up to be a mother."  I hadn't yet learned that most people who give advice are doing so to save their own truths from drowning, not to help someone else. 

I had only seen two memories, on my own, without the help of a therapist to guide me, at the time of her visit.  I had no way of knowing just then that I had rolled out a red carpet invitation for the anti-Christ to come back into my life.

I had developed double blindness.  When one parent fell out of favor, my psyche found a way to put the other one in a better light.

It simply never occurred to me they both were complicit in my abuse.

*****

At the end of the session, Bruce left the words up to me.

"I don't know if I can accept responsibility for what has happened in my life.  My father chooses, of his own free will, to do what he did to me.  How can I be responsible for that?"

Bruce replied gently, "I never said you were responsible.  I said your soul is searching out the emotional experience.  You are putting the judgment on it - you are looking to blame yourself or your father.  I am simply telling you that all thought is God and all feeling is God.  It is your choice whether you decide to allow those thoughts and feelings to flow through you.  If you do, you will be freeing yourself from a position of victimization and will not have to repeat this experience again in this or any other lifetime.  The choice is always yours."

I didn't feel empowered by this.  It was a burden around my neck that was choking me.  I felt put upon.  I felt angry.  I felt righteous.  I told him as much.

"Excellent!  Those are the thoughts and feelings that go along with this experience.  Process them as I showed you.  Move them into your soul as each one comes up.  You will feel the shift inside."  He said this with his perennially warm smile.

I agreed to try.

*****

No amount of professional help or spiritual advice could have prepared me for the gut-leveling realization that my mother not only knew the abuse was happening, but had participated in it.

I obsessively asked myself over the next several months, "Why did they hate me so much?"

Mothers are not supposed to hate their young.

 

 

 

 

 *****

This is the fourth installment of an ongoing series.  The pieces will be written to stand alone and offer more to the reader if the entire series is read.  *I write under an avatar and all names have been changed to protect the innocent.  This is a true story, the story of my life.  Any changes made to it are minimal, based solely on my inability to remember the exact details.

Copyright © 2010 by Sparking.  All rights reserved.

Part I can be found here.

Part II can be found here.

Part III can be found here.

 

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Comments

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Life is a difficult road even on the best pavement, sounds like your road was filled with lots of rough spots!! ~hug~

Rated.
Gads. Please don't say mushy things in the morning.
Bruce reminds me of the bird that walks upside down.
You know? The tufted titmouse is busy flitting in trees.
You find them n woodlands and shady rest area in Nature.
They love to chow-down on cute bugs for great mealtimes.
People like Bruce? He don't appear as a rubber mannequin.
Bruce even has real nipples? Brice eats fruits and good seed.
He probably hides in gardens and gazes at Bright Sunflowers.
You best behave?
What's that mean?
Go tweet in fields.
Golly. He a goner?
I love that guy who says`
Surprise Surprise Oho!
We have a lot in common, a whole lot of it pain and the healing of pain. I appreciate the straightforward way you tell this difficult story of your life. I think it is the best style for truth telling.

Here's another hug.
All children deserve a better start in life than what you had to deal with at a very young age. You describe the impact so well; there is much pain, and also much enlightenment, in your post.
"all thought is God and all feeling is God"...powerful.
As one reads your story, it's hard to know what to say except that I can understand how much pain you must be in. I do hope with all my heart you can find peace with life. Hugs to you.
I'm so glad you have Bruce.
I wish there was more to say than I am sorry but no words will come to me. I am so sorry....
Spark my friend, when I read these, I think of a little girl. typing these words on a keyboard, and I want to cry. My mother was an alcoholic to, but she was just gone all the time, nothing like she put you through. I read these with the hope that the ending will have you not forgetting but accepting, and at least able to smile again. You are the bravest person I know.
Your words here move me enormously. We experience. We push the experience as far away as we can because it is too much to bear. Something brings the experience back. Now we must choose. I am glad you are not alone as you walk this path. Even as you are.
A long tough road, and a story well told.
I couldn't read this without leaving some sign that I'd been here . . . damn, Sparking. I am enormously impressed with your story, both the content, and the way in which you express it, including and especially the ways in which you are becoming enlightened in spite of and through your early experience. Blessings, my friend. Namaste.
Powerful and heart felt.
Ugly truth...beautiful writing. Thanks for continuing this story and allowing us to come along on the journey.
It is good to see you back on OS, even if this was difficult to read, for having to imagine you going through such pain. I wish you healing -- as speedily as it will come.
Sparking, you brave, brave woman, I am almost afraid to learn what you mean when you say that your mother participated in your abuse. If you mean that she participated by pretending not to know what was going on, I get that. If you mean she SHOULD have known what was going on, that's the way I feel about my mother, and my other self tries to remind me that she couldn't have known. It's an ongoing struggle.

Lezlie
there is such power in what you've chosen to do -- facing these past acts and the monsters who perpetrated them *and* writing about your journey -- that it brings tears to my eyes to think of the strength you have.
thank goodness for Bruce! A very hard, but rewarding read. rated!
Tink - yes, rough spots there were, but there is golden pavement on the other side.

Art - People do like Bruce and they are challenged by him at times. He really helps you see things from a higher plane.

Susanne - thanks for understanding the direct nature of these pieces. I can't bare to write fluff when talking about it...truth does feel better in distinct chunks. Thank you my friend.

Seer - Hug well taken, thank you. Yes, it is hard to imagine I would ask for this. Its taken a lot of time and acceptance to come to terms with myself for doing so. The lessons have been rewarding - the process heralding.

sophie - thank you for your continued support with the series. Yes, I hope I do convey the light and dark nature of the process. It is both. I am just thankful I got the chance to heal - I don't take that lightly.

Fay - I do have a lot of peace now - but at the time - not so much. I have the benefit of hindsight now, and a lot of processing, to be able to write directly about it. It would have sounded much different than this if I had wrote about it at the time - I was very angry. Perspective comes with time. Thank you for your support.

Scarlett - Me too! I am one lucky woman!

Lunchlady - thank you, that is very kind. I take every "I'm sorry" in as a gift from the universe. It is helpful to hear, it's a cosmic healing instead of a personal one. You are too kind.

Scanner - pain is pain and it is relative. A mother who abandons her son is deeply painful - I'm sorry that happened to you. I never compare my pain to another, we all have suffering to bear in this lifetime. You are a warrior to trudge on and I am thankful you are beside me.

anna1liese - your words capture it perfectly. Push it down and then choose your path when it comes back to face you. I tried other paths, but ultimately, it amounted to delay tactics. Thank you for your insight.

sixtycandles - thank you my friend.

Owl - namaste my friend, namaste.

franksandbeans - thank you.

Dave - Thank you for continuing to support the journey.

Bell - thank you - it's good to be back. I've missed you all. I did a little putzing around last night, glad to be back in the loop. Thank you for your continued kind reading.

Lezlie - that made two of us! I was afraid to learn what it meant, and had to be in a 'safe' place to do so. When I was ready, the truth came. We don't always like the truth but we have to find a way to live with it. I appreciate your kindness and supportive words.

femme - thank you my friend - thank you!

Caroline - Indeed, thank *God* for Bruce. Thank you for coming by.
Oh what a road you've had to travel my friend. And how you tell it so heartwrenchingly well! I SO hope that the end of that bumpy road is just around the corner and then there will be that brand, spanking new asphalt pavement layed out for the rest of your journey.
Much love and peace.
Lord I hope you pay Bruce well! The man deserves every penny of whatever you give him for working his magic!
This installment, as your others, is filled with profound insight, pain, revelation. You write with brilliance and honesty.

"I hadn't yet learned that most people who give advice are doing so to save their own truths from drowning, not to help someone else." Me thinks YOU are the guru, dearest Sparking.

I cannot stand it when anyone tells me I somehow invited what has happened to me in my life. Little girls do not ask to be brutalized physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. And I find so many of the ones who say this are NOT parents. And if they are, would they explain away something horrible happening to their own child in the same offhand manner?

It's still a blame the victim mentality -- the new age version. I could philosophize about what Bruce said and try to morph it into wisdom. But I believe your experience is being stretched to fit a philosophy that, to me, doesn't offer meaning or comfort when evil evil things happen to people. It's too simplistic.

I love it that you take what you are offered and make your own truths from it. And if it doesn't fit you don't make it do so. Even when the words come from your guru. You are not cult material for sure! I admire you beyond words. And your writing too. You are so purely gifted. xoxoxo
I've been there and back. My soul's experience has taught me well.
" I hadn't yet learned that most people who give advice are doing so to save their own truths from drowning, not to help someone else. "
This is an interesting thought to take away from today's installment and I will be chewing on it for a while.
But as wrenching as these stories are to read, Sparky, more than anything I'd like to meet Bruce! I am glad you did, and perhaps someday the story of how he arrived in your life would be a great one to read.
Blessings my friend. Be well.
"Mothers are not supposed to hate their young."

Amen, girl.
thanks for the sharing - I'm always listening.
I can appreciate the wisdom in Bruce's words...I'm glad you had him to guide you through this difficult time. This installment was very powerful and, yes, enlightening.
Very brave post and boy can I relate.
Very brave post and boy can I relate.
You're doing the hard work.
Sparking, reading about the pain, and torment inflicted on your life stirs an emotion of terror thru the eyes of a child in me... Damn, anyone who could abuse, or allow such heinous behavior, holds no place in our world ... The courage you posses amazes, searching for answers, I am lost, knowing, sometimes there are none... Continued love, and healing your way mon amie! I do worry about your health, and was pleased to find this today... RRR
As difficult as this must be for you, you are doing a wonderful thing by writing about it. Every possible channel that can help you release your pain will help.
Some of us get a real rough piece of road...and with this kind of work we can get to a little smoother piece...and along the way we learn how to climb better on the treacherous parts again...love, Sparking...love and best to you...xox
Trilogy - I love the spanking new asphalt! It seems to come in fits and stretches though, not a wide open road. I do know to relish it when it unfolds. Thank you for your friendship my dear friend.

Studman - Yes, Bruce has been paid well, $100/hour. Although, due to my financial hardship, he has seen me for free (a few free range eggs from my chicken have helped) over the past 6 to 8 months. I see him about every three weeks right now. He is a dear man.

Joan - I have to say, Bruce would laugh if he knew I was referring to him as my 'guru'. He would never proclaim to be that - it is a term I almost use mockingly. 'Spiritual teacher' would be best, but guru is more catchy (and is the literal meaning I guess).

Yes, philosophy is one thing and making that philosophy work is another. At first, I really felt 'blamed', as if he was saying I asked for this. Bruce would only say I asked for it at a soul level, for the feeling and experience, but no one at all deserves brutalization (nor would he stand for it). We both agree humanity has lost its way. I think prior to this life, I didn't have the benefit of knowing I could work out this soul business in my imagination alone, in fact, I know that about myself. I also know this doesn't have to fit for everyone and there are often things he tells me I don't assimilate into my being for sure! I never follow anyone blindly (as I know you would never do either). I need to incorporate Bruce's counterbalance, Caroline, into my story more. That's coming.

Thanks for being such a thoughtful reader and dear soul sister.

Chuck - I know my friend, I know.

Tim - yes, Bruce is a fascinating soul, one of the most evolved human beings I have ever met. Yet, he is still so human which makes him accessible. Maybe you two will meet! Come for a Seattle visit??? ;)

Carole - I know, huh?

Hope - thank you!

Smithery - I am thankful you can appreciate and find the light within the dark shadows here.

alicia - nice to meet a fellow traveler. Blessing to you!

Deborah - thanks for recognizing that. Some of the more rewarding stories are still to come!

Patrick - I don't mean to worry anyone...I know healing is happening, it just doesn't always look the way I wish it would! ;) Thanks for your cherished support my dear friend.

Karin - sage words. I hope others can find companionship in this journey who are healing themselves. Thank you for your words.
Sparking,
It's been amazing to read how you moved through this...and it continues to be amazing...again I have to say you have much courage, my friend. Much love to you.
I just can't comprehend a Mother knowing that her child was being abused....unless she was also ill herself. Well written. I can't help but wonder if the writing of your story is helping you any. I hope so.
your determination to tell your story is remarkable and brave and I would give anything to give you a big hug.
Robin - thank you my friend. Big Hug.

Jill - you are so kind - I will scoop up that love and let it sink deep into my being. Thank you.

Patricia - Thank you. I write about this for many reasons. As for what I get out of it, since I didn't get traditional justice due to the framework of the laws, having an outlet to express the road I have traveled is very helpful for me. That doesn't mean it doesn't stir up feelings and it isn't challenging. I'm just someone who knows how to embrace that and make it a part of my process, too. Thank you for being concerned.

foolish monkey - I would do anything to get that hug! ;)
The rawness of the writing pulls me in with you. A story like this needs only the words and you are giving this experience your voice. Kudos.
Glad you can express yourself through your beautiful writing. R.
You are not the only lucky one. We are lucky to have you and to be getting to know you. Thanks!
Dearest Sparking! I Know it is unfathomable that anyone would want to experience anything like this, and it is only a lost humanity that would act such stuff out... But even so, I Know you Know that your capacity for Love is ever-expanding, and that the Love you have learned has no limits! For me, the quicker we return to Knowing the heights of Love, the so much better off we all are... so we all can Live a better way... Love to you and your Beautiful Soul, always! Julie
Yay for Bruce, huh? Rated for processing, etc.
i've come upon this at chapter 4
and it does stand alone
but i will need to gather strength before i go to other chapters
please be patient with me.
Hi, there, spark. I haven't been here much lately but wanted to stop by here to send you a big virtual hug!
I really can't imagine the horrors you've had to endure. You are so brave and wise with such a gift for writing the language of your heart. I couldn't forgive either of them. Ever. I don't care what my soul is supposed to do. I'd have to walk away and never look back. But still, I commend you for doing everything you can to work through this trauma.
I will always wish the best for you on this journey. Keep smiling and never let your wonderful spirit get lost in the darkness of your past.
:)
Your series is past praise. Its honesty is awesome and it's of course forthright and courageous. As was maybe said, it's like a patient, no the surgeon herself, climbing on the table in the amphitheater. With her knives. To show how it's done. Explaining each cut in plain words as she takes out the tumor.