I feel like I am having writer's block for my whole life.
In my archives, I have a dozen drafts started about various subjects but nothing I can completely flush out and come to a logical conclusion about. Right now, I don't know what a logical conclusion to most things would look like?
Blocked. I feel blocked. There, I said it, blocked, blocked, blocked!
In psychiatry, they refer to a situation with two opposing outcomes which are both negative as a Double Bind. I feel like I'm in an Infinite Bind. If I stretch this way, no, if I lay down here, no, if I move in this direction, no, no, no!
Ugh.
My solution is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping something will break free. I have just gone through the tough 20-year-anniversary of my son's death and I feel life has left it's indiginous tread marks all over my heart once again. There is a joy around me, I see it, smell it, can even taste it at times, but somehow, I just can't partake fully. It's like looking at a fully set dining table with a bountiful meal and joyouos laughter ringing all around it; I keep knocking and waving but no one can hear me (not that they don't want to).
So, I'm here. Putting words down on the page. Being honest with you about where I'm at and how I'm doing and maybe a hint at how I'm feeling, although I 'm not really sure I even know.
There was a spark the other day; a painting of ferries dancing around a pond. Four little girls dabbed and played and imagined with me as we all sat spilling our souls with water colors. It felt good to complete something.
Mostly, I am feeling the constraints of my life. The anonymity I place myself under to ensure my family and I can live safely. It rubs at my independence in all the wrong ways. I wonder if the block is my own boundaries I have placed on myself which leave me still feeling caged at times.
Will that cage ever leave me?
And, yet, I still worry about how this will be perceived. Am I belly aching? If so, don't I have a right to occasionally? Or is that something I should suffer at alone and only come out on the occassions when I can be dignified and magnanimous? I don't feel those things right now. Maybe I should remain silent.
But, it is my silence which got me right here, simply trying to put words on a page.
I'm trying.
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Cranky Cuss
Catherine Forsythe
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simply trying to put words on a page.
I'm trying.
I know the feeling. For some reasons I know and for others I don't, I rarely post these days. Just a couple days ago I for once was inspired to write something, and it was a good feeling getting the words down in the way I wanted. It took a couple hours but I got it to where I was happy with it and hit the "save draft" button to do a final check for errors, and then OS, in its infinite wisdom, chose that moment to sign me out, so the whole thing was lost. I tried to reconstruct it from memory but it just wasn't working. It crossed my mind to do a post consisting of an empty page with the title "Insert Eloquent, Timely Post Here" but I figured it would look like bitching on my part and I do enough of that already. ::sigh::
Lunchlady - Really? I think I just did! I want to belly ache a little bit :) I'm feeling achy, all over belly-achy. Thank you for reminding me that we all deserve to sit at that table.
Nana! - ::sigh:: indeed. I feel like we've been on a similar energetic wavelength, toes dipped in the water but not fully ready to partake. I'm not sure why we go though that, but I guess we do. Thank you for sharing with me.
Oryoki - I think the writer's block comes from life blocks for me. I just don't feel like completing things, even though my intention is to do so. I know how to write and don't mind doing it badly - that's how we learn. It's more about the energy which seems to just block forward progress - in writing and all directions. Although, i do need to put down the magnifying glass as to how it will be perceived and just let go...letting go now...thank you for coming by.
Too much going on to focus here.
This does not seem like a complaint.
Just keep looking and watching.
rated with hugs
In case you have not heard of Julia Cameron's Artist's Way or Artist's Way At Work - her Morning Pages Exercises is a wonderful method for understanding and helping to release some of those energy blocks, especially when combined with movement and self-love. All of which I'm sure you practice. But we all need reminders sometimes, to do what we know and to take care of ourselves.
Cindy - Yes, that's true! A good venting dump is needed at times - my friends and I do that for each other, maybe I just needed a writing dump here today.
Linda - I'm glad to know you can relate. I'm hoping it does not last too long either. Maybe I stuck one foot out today.
diannani - Yes! I love your method - thank you for sharing it, that is helpful. This is my incomplete writing (I think)! ;)
anna1liese - thank you for listening for the honesty - I always know that is a safe place to start from.
Maria - you are a well-tuned woman. Morning Pages! I haven't thought about doing those for some time now! I need to bring down my book and take a look at that again - great reminder! I also need to remember not to use this as a time to beat myself up again, for not being able to complete something. Maybe I'll start a whole bunch of somethings and finish them later....that can be a good thing sometimes, too. Kind of like creative ADD, but in a good way. I think I just needed to start something again...
Robin - that is GREAT! Wait for the inspiration before sitting down to write. I like that. It's good to know that I am not alone, we all have our creative moments.
then falls away, ad infinitum...
Wait for the inspiration,but wait
actively....
Peruse your previous scrawlings,
bring them up - to - the -moment..
also yank out a favorite author ,
and remember that all the great stuff they wrote
was "inspired" by probably the most mundane events...
Spring is here. Plant seeds in your imagination.
Plant many....maybe in a new notebook, or in the margins of
your aborted works...
IT IS ALL ABOUT ASSOCIATION...
with another person's idea
or your own.
I've been wondering lately what I should write about.
A bit of a block, here, too...
but before I write,
I have to CARE about
what i write...
I would make the suggestion that you write more about the
double bind...
look it up in the online journals & texts...
(i have a sneaking suspicion that this is what accounts
not only for human pathology but also
in the overcoming of them,
human evolution,
both individually
and species, too)
The double bind, unsolved, can lead to schizophrenia, the departure from "shared" reality...
The double bind is the human condition.
YOU are human,
so YOU are the human condition.
WE, who are also the human condition,
need inspiration as much as you do.
I'm glad you are letting the words come out however they want. Words on the page... ~r
It's sitttng at sea.
No breeze moves.
We feel we've no sail.
I sorta wish I'd get a blank.
Minds need rest/relaxation.
Love is always healing folks.
We creatures crave silence.
Life can be sad catastrophe.
News is total outrage sad.
Wander where there's Love. Love is no quarreling. I''s not apologize for bewilderment. Good grief? Since birth - The days we have in this brief Life are even too short for Love. Scribble meditations (ideas) in a private journal/diary. Then, you won't go babbling "confusing" Jabberwocky.
I sense calm.
It's a free gift.
It requires a 'bunch' of energy to think. Ideas are like Sparkling Light Bulbs popping on and off. Once I went to the ocean and my inner life went silent.
I had few Ideas for days.
I watched seagulls and waves.
After about ten days I thought`
`
What! Mind went comatose?
It actually made me afraid?
I "feared" I went brain dead.
A Life gets weary of conflicts.
We understand the best we can.
I remember your Grief - Your son.
Life can seem as one waring outrage.
History (individually too) is painful.
Life's narrative is war and more hurt.
Life's followed by outrage after outrage.
The assembled memories... I'd accept it?
I mean accept your Writers Block as Gift.
Someday you'll talk to Red Robin Birds.
No quarrel with Blue Jays and Rabbits.
I never know what to say and do write.
Write for writing sake. Write to Muse.
Muses often bestow happiness as Gift.
Muses may wake you up at midnight.
You can cuss like a demon on a page.
Invent new despicable profane words.
Search the i-pod or cuss at blackberry.
Gaud.
No write something "stupid" to otters.
Possums don't write. They sleep all day.
Let the Mind take a Rest and Relaxation.
I go on/on like a imbecile and annoy folks.
Whatever you do write here is welcome. I'm always glad to see you've posted something new.
♥R
rated
You don't have to come up with a fully formed piece every time.
Beginnings don't have to end any particular way, or even end.
I love that you laid it all out here, and the comments that arise.
I don't see how this piece is any less "dignified" or "magnanimous" than your other posts - possibly it's moreso, because you express a conundrum we relate to, with not a trace of pity-me.
It is how it is. I like what Susan B C said : writing is healing.
I'd love to read more posts like this. Painful as it may be, and frustrating, downright maddening, writing is cathartic.
But you know that, isn't it.
Thanks, Sparking - persist. We need you.
so she took up quilting
her works were not the subtle, tightly sewn masterpieces of her hostess, but open-faced squares
honest, telling, gorgeous in their simplicity
they were even frayed at the ends, and she knew that she would never be able to close them in
what you write, how you write, when you write is simply the way art moves through your being
Lezlie
Susan - nice2meetu! Looping into words. Maybe just starting with a word. Carving out time just to sit and do that and nothing else. I like it.
James - lovely suggestion. I think I may do something with "Infinite Bind", it got me thinking about our hidden relationships, as in the way we view relationships through our own internal filter rather than how the relationship is carried out. I wrote something called the "double blind" already - I may go back and visit that, too. Thank you for your thoughts.
dirndl skirt - what truth - I feel like I need color painted all over my world right now - to brighten it - to show my feelings. And, to play with the little sprites on paper is a portal to joy - I think I just need to follow my inspirations right now and not focus on the outcome so much.
Bernadine - Can we be both? :) Sometimes I am the writer in the asylum (I call my head). Thank you for the encouragement, sometimes we need that more than we realize.
Joan - that's what today felt like, an unburdening. One more step in a direction...a step is just that, forward motion. Thank you for listening.
Art! - I want to write jabberwocky cuss words that the opossums will read. Can you imagine it? Little glasses on the end of their pointy noses, them saying to themselves, "that Sparky is so profane!" Ha! Thank you for always being willing to be my muse my friend. I love and adore you, my OS crush!
Matt - thank you for such kind encouragement, and to know what I write is welcome, just too sweet!
Scanner - is that you or the Dude talking? I hear this older brother vibe coming through, the "you'll be fine...kiddo..." and I like it! Thank you!
femme - hello my sistah coyote! I am exactly like you...ideas pop at inopportune times, I get to the page, get a couple paragraphs, and then...nothing. I just can't keep chugging. But, that's okay. I may have the strength to come back to them later, that's what I'm figuring out today. Thank you!
Fusun - AHHHHHHH! You are so kind Fusun, I really appreciate your sense of things, I just need to keep chugging, or 'write'!
Caroline - a BIG cheers to that! My best to you always.
As far as the cage, I think one day you'll know it's there with your perch and food but the door will be only yours to open and close. You can fly out all you want but when you need to, you can fly back in and rest again. I'm always going to need a safe place to perch so that's what I'm hoping for me.
There are a couple of writing exercises I learned from various classes to help stimulate creativity. One is to sit and write for ten minutes straight (use a timer or a clock), even if all you write is "I don't know what to write" over and over again. It's important that you use a pen or pencil and paper, not the computer. The physical act of writing can make the connection in your brain that will plug you in to your creativity.
A similar exercise is to do the same thing, set a time limit of ten minutes, use pen and paper, but describe everything you see around you, what you hear, smell, taste if applicable. Engage as many of your senses as possible.
Just a couple of suggestions, to use if useful or file away for possible future use. Maybe I need to take my own advice...hmmmm.....
Sometimes it comes as unexpectedly as rain in the desert, and sometimes it's just more words on a page. Either way, it's good to show up.
Oh my. Keep going. Stay with the page. Word by word. Have you read Anne Lamott? Bird by Bird? Perhaps so. And -- sublime on the subject of "writer's block"-- are the books of Julie Cameron: The Artist's Way. Kinda like a 12-step program for creativity.
My shelves are filled with books on "not writing"... keep going.
... and yes, you're quite right. Writing is all about the energy within you, trusting it to carry you, and replenishing it when you are in deficit. Depression: the cruelest block.
beautiful words will return as these did.
rated with love
There's a marvelous book out there about writer's block. It's called THE MIDNIGHT DISEASE by Alice Flaherty. Flaherty talks about what's going on in the brain when this happens. More importantly, however, Flaherty talks about how emotional trauma and writer's block are connected. Flaherty is a neurologist; she also lost twins at birth.
In the meantime, the only way I know of getting through writer's block is to do something that helps to fill up the well. For me, that means getting out into the woods and seeing all that nature is. Has been. Always will be. And it helps.
Will that cage ever leave me?"
Michelle,my dear girl, my dear friend, I know these words with such familiarity, that they reach out and caress my being.
The cage can and will leave you free and cycling through the heavens to the firm ground. You know the answer to every question you present, now that you've taken the first new steps of this journey, proceed, I'm behind you all the way!
R
I love OS - I love you all. Thank you!!!
1. Talk therapy.
As in "There! I've finished brushing my teeth!" and "Look! The car has been parked in the garage and I've finished the errands!"
2. Talisman.
Put a little small pencil in your bra.
3. Read the blogs of others.
And comment!
Prescribed for you with love,
Dr. Mhold