Sparking My Own Evolution

One word at a time...


October 31
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The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


APRIL 10, 2011 3:54PM

Words On The Page

Rate: 39 Flag

I feel like I am having writer's block for my whole life. 

In my archives, I have a dozen drafts started about various subjects but nothing I can completely flush out and come to a logical conclusion about.  Right now, I don't know what a logical conclusion to most things would look like?

Blocked.  I feel blocked.  There, I said it, blocked, blocked, blocked!

In psychiatry, they refer to a situation with two opposing outcomes which are both negative as a Double Bind.  I feel like I'm in an Infinite Bind.  If I stretch this way, no, if I lay down here, no, if I move in this direction, no, no, no!


My solution is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other and hoping something will break free.  I have just gone through the tough 20-year-anniversary of my son's death and I feel life has left it's indiginous tread marks all over my heart once again.  There is a joy around me, I see it, smell it, can even taste it at times, but somehow, I just can't partake fully.  It's like looking at a fully set dining table with a bountiful meal and joyouos laughter ringing all around it; I keep knocking and waving but no one can hear me (not that they don't want to).

So, I'm here.  Putting words down on the page.  Being honest with you about where I'm at and how I'm doing and maybe a hint at how I'm feeling, although I 'm not really sure I even know.

There was a spark the other day; a painting of ferries dancing around a pond.  Four little girls dabbed and played and imagined with me as we all sat spilling our souls with water colors.  It felt good to complete something.

Mostly, I am feeling the constraints of my life.  The anonymity I place myself under to ensure my family and I can live safely.  It rubs at my independence in all the wrong ways.  I wonder if the block is my own boundaries I have placed on myself which leave me still feeling caged at times.

Will that cage ever leave me?

And, yet, I still worry about how this will be perceived.  Am I belly aching?  If so, don't I have a right to occasionally?  Or is that something I should suffer at alone and only come out on the occassions when I can be dignified and magnanimous?  I don't feel those things right now.  Maybe I should remain silent.

But, it is my silence which got me right here, simply trying to put words on a page.

I'm trying.



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keeep putting one feet in front of the other and continue putting it down here - the time will come -
came to read you after like eons - boundaries ought to be liberating - boundaries allow you to jump walls :) and have fun :)
I have never heard you whine or complain, just trying hard to work through some horrible blows your life has dealt you. Please keep writing and working through all this. You deserve to sit at that table full of bounty and laugh along with the others.
Words on a page indeed, and by all means please say what you need to say and to heck with anyone who thinks it's belly aching.

simply trying to put words on a page.

I'm trying.

I know the feeling. For some reasons I know and for others I don't, I rarely post these days. Just a couple days ago I for once was inspired to write something, and it was a good feeling getting the words down in the way I wanted. It took a couple hours but I got it to where I was happy with it and hit the "save draft" button to do a final check for errors, and then OS, in its infinite wisdom, chose that moment to sign me out, so the whole thing was lost. I tried to reconstruct it from memory but it just wasn't working. It crossed my mind to do a post consisting of an empty page with the title "Insert Eloquent, Timely Post Here" but I figured it would look like bitching on my part and I do enough of that already. ::sigh::
I think writer's block comes when you start with the premise that you should be creating something masterful. In doing so, you lose your mastery of what you create, because you are not creating so much as acting out creation. Just write, whatever you want, and don't worry about how great you think it should be. All artists have unknown works, scrubbed canvasses and some real duds. Even Picasso painted some real crap. :) Sorry for your heartache.
Rolling - great point about the boundaries. They should do that...maybe its time to reexamine them. Thank you!

Lunchlady - Really? I think I just did! I want to belly ache a little bit :) I'm feeling achy, all over belly-achy. Thank you for reminding me that we all deserve to sit at that table.

Nana! - ::sigh:: indeed. I feel like we've been on a similar energetic wavelength, toes dipped in the water but not fully ready to partake. I'm not sure why we go though that, but I guess we do. Thank you for sharing with me.

Oryoki - I think the writer's block comes from life blocks for me. I just don't feel like completing things, even though my intention is to do so. I know how to write and don't mind doing it badly - that's how we learn. It's more about the energy which seems to just block forward progress - in writing and all directions. Although, i do need to put down the magnifying glass as to how it will be perceived and just let go...letting go now...thank you for coming by.
I lurk.
Too much going on to focus here.
This does not seem like a complaint.
We all have need to dump stuff on others from time to time, and it's ok. I get jumped on alot for my dumpiong, but oh well, gives the other guy a THINKING OF YOU.
I had one a few months ago.. Thank god it did not last.. It scares me.
Just keep looking and watching.
rated with hugs
i go within myself, find a tiny flower or seed and look at it until i am hypnotized into myself. i relax, enjoy the quiet, and find balance. maybe you will find some such method. in the meantime, write incomplete things!
Words on the page. A beginning! Glad to hear your voice again. As I read, I hear only honesty. Maybe your words will help you lift the cage away.
I feel you are very attuned to and familiar with your healing process, have developed a keen ear for your own soft call for freedom. This is part of that process. I hear you too, here and now. And you know exactly what to do - keep putting one foot in front of the other.
In case you have not heard of Julia Cameron's Artist's Way or Artist's Way At Work - her Morning Pages Exercises is a wonderful method for understanding and helping to release some of those energy blocks, especially when combined with movement and self-love. All of which I'm sure you practice. But we all need reminders sometimes, to do what we know and to take care of ourselves.
I trick myself! I never have writer's block because I never sit in front of a blank page! See? Only when I have an idea for something to write do I sit down and write it. Problem solved! It's good to see you, will come...I think the intellect blooms and falls away, blooms and falls away as I've said...that's true for all of us...xox
Writing is healing. Sometimes when I'm blocked I sit at a blank notebook page and make little loops over and over until they become words and whatever is bothering me begins to spill out. Then I can go do "real" writing - or not. So bitch, moan and complain and write. It's good for you!
alsoknownas - lurking is highly underrated. ;) Nice to hear from you my friend.

Cindy - Yes, that's true! A good venting dump is needed at times - my friends and I do that for each other, maybe I just needed a writing dump here today.

Linda - I'm glad to know you can relate. I'm hoping it does not last too long either. Maybe I stuck one foot out today.

diannani - Yes! I love your method - thank you for sharing it, that is helpful. This is my incomplete writing (I think)! ;)

anna1liese - thank you for listening for the honesty - I always know that is a safe place to start from.

Maria - you are a well-tuned woman. Morning Pages! I haven't thought about doing those for some time now! I need to bring down my book and take a look at that again - great reminder! I also need to remember not to use this as a time to beat myself up again, for not being able to complete something. Maybe I'll start a whole bunch of somethings and finish them later....that can be a good thing sometimes, too. Kind of like creative ADD, but in a good way. I think I just needed to start something again...

Robin - that is GREAT! Wait for the inspiration before sitting down to write. I like that. It's good to know that I am not alone, we all have our creative moments.
Robin is absolutely right: the intellect blooms &
then falls away, ad infinitum...
Wait for the inspiration,but wait
Peruse your previous scrawlings,
bring them up - to - the -moment..
also yank out a favorite author ,
and remember that all the great stuff they wrote
was "inspired" by probably the most mundane events...

Spring is here. Plant seeds in your imagination.
Plant many....maybe in a new notebook, or in the margins of
your aborted works...
with another person's idea
or your own.

I've been wondering lately what I should write about.
A bit of a block, here, too...
but before I write,
I have to CARE about
what i write...

I would make the suggestion that you write more about the
double bind...
look it up in the online journals & texts...
(i have a sneaking suspicion that this is what accounts
not only for human pathology but also
in the overcoming of them,
human evolution,
both individually
and species, too)

The double bind, unsolved, can lead to schizophrenia, the departure from "shared" reality...

The double bind is the human condition.
YOU are human,
so YOU are the human condition.
WE, who are also the human condition,
need inspiration as much as you do.
Sparking~ I am glad that you had the watercolor painting of fairies as your outlet (inlet?) for some joy. It will find its way in, the peace. Maybe now isn't time for words, but for a brush dripping with color, and sprites and nymphs and flowers and lily pads. (r)
You are doing well. This was lovely. Keep at it. I've been there before (for nearly ten years once) and other shorter times. Eventually the voice in your head explodes again. (So I'm either a writer or a patient in an asylum.) RRRR
Silence is necessary at times. It seems healthier to break the silence of grief and pain though. Sharing it lifts some of the burden.
I'm glad you are letting the words come out however they want. Words on the page... ~r
I'd just accept your "writers block" and relax - as in flow with it. I call 'it' doldrums.
It's sitttng at sea.
No breeze moves.
We feel we've no sail.
I sorta wish I'd get a blank.
Minds need rest/relaxation.
Love is always healing folks.
We creatures crave silence.
Life can be sad catastrophe.
News is total outrage sad.
Wander where there's Love. Love is no quarreling. I''s not apologize for bewilderment. Good grief? Since birth - The days we have in this brief Life are even too short for Love. Scribble meditations (ideas) in a private journal/diary. Then, you won't go babbling "confusing" Jabberwocky.
I sense calm.
It's a free gift.
It requires a 'bunch' of energy to think. Ideas are like Sparkling Light Bulbs popping on and off. Once I went to the ocean and my inner life went silent.
I had few Ideas for days.
I watched seagulls and waves.
After about ten days I thought`
What! Mind went comatose?
It actually made me afraid?
I "feared" I went brain dead.
A Life gets weary of conflicts.
We understand the best we can.

I remember your Grief - Your son.
Life can seem as one waring outrage.
History (individually too) is painful.
Life's narrative is war and more hurt.

Life's followed by outrage after outrage.
The assembled memories... I'd accept it?
I mean accept your Writers Block as Gift.
Someday you'll talk to Red Robin Birds.

No quarrel with Blue Jays and Rabbits.
I never know what to say and do write.
Write for writing sake. Write to Muse.
Muses often bestow happiness as Gift.

Muses may wake you up at midnight.
You can cuss like a demon on a page.
Invent new despicable profane words.
Search the i-pod or cuss at blackberry.
No write something "stupid" to otters.
Possums don't write. They sleep all day.
Let the Mind take a Rest and Relaxation.
I go on/on like a imbecile and annoy folks.
A lot of good advice here, Sparking, some of which I'm taking to heart, too. I find sometimes I get ideas writing comments on other people's posts and then feel like expanding them into something more. Sounds to me as if you have no problem with the spark. It's closing the deal where you run out of gas. I've not seen evidence of this in the many posts of yours I've read in the year-plus I've been here, but evidently this is what's bothering you now. It might help to rough out your idea, which is a good way to spot where your thinking may be incomplete. In the drafting process you might find it easier to find and strengthen those weaker sections. But, as someone else suggested maybe you really are out of gas temporarily and trying to run on fumes. If this is the case an intentional fallow period can help bring ideas forth that will inspire you again. I wouldn't worry about unfinished pieces from the past. I have many of these. Some had fertile seeds that have grown in my subconscious and can now be developed, while others were dead at the start. The fact that you feel the need to write is most important. It means there's material inside pushing to get out.

Whatever you do write here is welcome. I'm always glad to see you've posted something new.
You'll be fine. I think sometimes we push so hard we push the words out before they are ready. You are too good a writer not to write. it's coming, you have my word for it!
hey, sistah. you couldn't have chosen a topic that's closer to the bone at the moment. while i'm standing in the kitchen, i think of something great to write about, or while i'm driving or doing something -- anything -- except sitting in front of my computer. by then it all vanishes. keep putting the words on the page, even a few, just a sentence or two, and save them. they'll make their way into a paragraph. so good to see you, spark. so good.
I missed seeing you here, Sparking. For what it's worth (after all the good advice here) I know that some of the best ideas and inspiration come to us at least expected and most inopportune times. Important thing is to still have the will that says 'write' !
I feel you. It's funny because I'm going through a block phase as well. Here's hoping we both make it through.
I don't think you should expect to get over a death of a child. I think you should continue to write about it as well as create beautiful paintings. Take a picture of your painting and post it next time as a reminder of positive steps you are taking!
I think sometimes it's best to just take the pressure off.

You don't have to come up with a fully formed piece every time.
Beginnings don't have to end any particular way, or even end.
I love that you laid it all out here, and the comments that arise.
I don't see how this piece is any less "dignified" or "magnanimous" than your other posts - possibly it's moreso, because you express a conundrum we relate to, with not a trace of pity-me.
It is how it is. I like what Susan B C said : writing is healing.

I'd love to read more posts like this. Painful as it may be, and frustrating, downright maddening, writing is cathartic.
But you know that, isn't it.

Thanks, Sparking - persist. We need you.
a long time ago I read a book whose title escapes me, about an "English" woman who went to live with the Amish for a while, trying to elucidate life's meaning
so she took up quilting
her works were not the subtle, tightly sewn masterpieces of her hostess, but open-faced squares
honest, telling, gorgeous in their simplicity
they were even frayed at the ends, and she knew that she would never be able to close them in
what you write, how you write, when you write is simply the way art moves through your being
I do the exact thing Robin described. No idea? No blank Word document. I just read and comment until, out of the blue, a word or phrase triggers an idea. Like almost everything else, the more I force it, the less I get. You will be fine. Just relax.

I don't think you have writer's block. There are times we need silence for inward simmering...and when its their time you can't hold them back. I also whole-heartedly agree with Maria's suggestion of the Artist Way & morning pages. I like the words you put on paper (screen) here.
What a joy to return home from a dreary chore I had to do to find you all. See...just putting something down helped me so much because you all came to visit.

Susan - nice2meetu! Looping into words. Maybe just starting with a word. Carving out time just to sit and do that and nothing else. I like it.

James - lovely suggestion. I think I may do something with "Infinite Bind", it got me thinking about our hidden relationships, as in the way we view relationships through our own internal filter rather than how the relationship is carried out. I wrote something called the "double blind" already - I may go back and visit that, too. Thank you for your thoughts.

dirndl skirt - what truth - I feel like I need color painted all over my world right now - to brighten it - to show my feelings. And, to play with the little sprites on paper is a portal to joy - I think I just need to follow my inspirations right now and not focus on the outcome so much.

Bernadine - Can we be both? :) Sometimes I am the writer in the asylum (I call my head). Thank you for the encouragement, sometimes we need that more than we realize.

Joan - that's what today felt like, an unburdening. One more step in a direction...a step is just that, forward motion. Thank you for listening.

Art! - I want to write jabberwocky cuss words that the opossums will read. Can you imagine it? Little glasses on the end of their pointy noses, them saying to themselves, "that Sparky is so profane!" Ha! Thank you for always being willing to be my muse my friend. I love and adore you, my OS crush!

Matt - thank you for such kind encouragement, and to know what I write is welcome, just too sweet!

Scanner - is that you or the Dude talking? I hear this older brother vibe coming through, the "you'll be fine...kiddo..." and I like it! Thank you!

femme - hello my sistah coyote! I am exactly like you...ideas pop at inopportune times, I get to the page, get a couple paragraphs, and then...nothing. I just can't keep chugging. But, that's okay. I may have the strength to come back to them later, that's what I'm figuring out today. Thank you!

Fusun - AHHHHHHH! You are so kind Fusun, I really appreciate your sense of things, I just need to keep chugging, or 'write'!

Caroline - a BIG cheers to that! My best to you always.
I'm glad to see you here, write whatever you need to say, define your own boundaries. Depending on what I want to say I sometimes can't do it staring at the computer. I need a pencil and paper, I think I need to see my hand write the words. My favorite place is sitting on the floor leaning against my bed or outside looking at the yard. Then I can sit and type it like it's just a random paper and the corrections can happen there.

As far as the cage, I think one day you'll know it's there with your perch and food but the door will be only yours to open and close. You can fly out all you want but when you need to, you can fly back in and rest again. I'm always going to need a safe place to perch so that's what I'm hoping for me.
Just to see you here, my friend, makes me smile.
You definitely don't want to remain silent. That would be a sure way of remaining locked up within your own inner prison. Sharing your thoughts, whether it be vocal or in written words, will eventually free your soul to simply live and "be."
Excellence in tribulation.

Sometimes it comes as unexpectedly as rain in the desert, and sometimes it's just more words on a page. Either way, it's good to show up.
Sometimes Faith is the only thing we have left. And that is not always a bad thing.

Oh my. Keep going. Stay with the page. Word by word. Have you read Anne Lamott? Bird by Bird? Perhaps so. And -- sublime on the subject of "writer's block"-- are the books of Julie Cameron: The Artist's Way. Kinda like a 12-step program for creativity.
My shelves are filled with books on "not writing"... keep going.

... and yes, you're quite right. Writing is all about the energy within you, trusting it to carry you, and replenishing it when you are in deficit. Depression: the cruelest block.
Stillness, silence, allow wisdom to flourish.
beautiful words will return as these did.
rated with love
Thank you all for showing up and coming by with your wonderful suggestions. I felt very heard and know that the exercise in just putting the truth out there helped a lot. Thank you for being a community of such graciousness. Sorry so late to reply, I got locked out yesterday, so I'm replying with a group "thank you" as I am so late in getting back. Best to you all!
just relax and let your writing take its course; don't be too critical of yourself; it can't be forced; it has its own timeline
just relax and let your writing take its course; don't be too critical of yourself; it can't be forced; it has its own timeline
just relax and let your writing take its course; don't be too critical of yourself; it can't be forced; it has its own timeline
just relax and let your writing take its course; don't be too critical of yourself; it can't be forced; it has its own timeline
There's a marvelous book out there about writer's block. It's called THE MIDNIGHT DISEASE by Alice Flaherty. Flaherty talks about what's going on in the brain when this happens. More importantly, however, Flaherty talks about how emotional trauma and writer's block are connected. Flaherty is a neurologist; she also lost twins at birth.
In the meantime, the only way I know of getting through writer's block is to do something that helps to fill up the well. For me, that means getting out into the woods and seeing all that nature is. Has been. Always will be. And it helps.
Chica, I know someone else here already said something like this, but sometimes the spirit demands silence for a bit. For the last few months, I've had something like a shutdown when it comes to writing - even comments. So . . . I try to listen and be gentle with myself about it. Hang in, sister . . . it will come forth when it's ripe . . .
Mostly, I am feeling the constraints of my life. The anonymity I place myself under to ensure my family and I can live safely. It rubs at my independence in all the wrong ways. I wonder if the block is my own boundaries I have placed on myself which leave me still feeling caged at times.

Will that cage ever leave me?"

Michelle,my dear girl, my dear friend, I know these words with such familiarity, that they reach out and caress my being.

The cage can and will leave you free and cycling through the heavens to the firm ground. You know the answer to every question you present, now that you've taken the first new steps of this journey, proceed, I'm behind you all the way!
Just putting something on the page is cleansing and a step just keep on going!
Again, thank you all dear friends. I will definitely check out that book Lorraine - sounds like it is written by a kindred spirit.

I love OS - I love you all. Thank you!!!
Cures for WB:
1. Talk therapy.
As in "There! I've finished brushing my teeth!" and "Look! The car has been parked in the garage and I've finished the errands!"
2. Talisman.
Put a little small pencil in your bra.
3. Read the blogs of others.
And comment!
Prescribed for you with love,
Dr. Mhold