Sparking My Own Evolution

One word at a time...


October 31
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Planet Earth
The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars... *************************************** -Jack Kerouac ***************************************


APRIL 14, 2011 9:01AM

An Unearthing

Rate: 41 Flag

My son likely lived about twenty minutes. 

I delivered him when I was sixteen, at thirty-three weeks gestation, on March 23, 1991, into the hands of insane, sadistic criminals.  Think Nazis - except make Hitler my father and Joseph Mengele his friends.  

After that, I proceeded to lose what little hold I still had on reality.  I lost my mind.

Compass Quilt

It is difficult to be poetic about the loss of a child: I think Eric Clapton has done it best

The moment my son, who could have been my father's or my boyfriend's child, was murdered, my soul slipped outside of my body and never fully returned.  In fact, I am still trying to return on a daily basis.  Some days are better than others.

More accurately, I am trying to stay in my body now.  At least now, I even know there is a body which is my own.  At least now, I know what the concept 'now' is.  Finally, I am taking steps in my life as a sovereign being.

The challenge is the millions of tiny triggers which happen throughout my day; they can bring up a snippet of benign memory which was lost to me, or can send me into a full-blown seizure as my mind and body race to synthesize the complex neuropsychological damage it needs to release.  During the latter, it feels as if I am reliving the initial horror all over again.  All the thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations associated with the memory interrupt my daily living, shoving aside anything which is happening in the present so the past can break through.  It is tedious but necessary - a difficult path to healing.

Life is heavy right now.  And, yet, I still make room for joy.  I must.

It's amazing the things we take for granted as human beings.  You have probably grown up with a clear understanding of time, that your body is your own, and hopefully, some sense of who you are.  That magical essence which makes you unique from others.  For me, that was chipped away at, little by little, as savage predators tore away at my psyche, my body, and my spirit, each time they abused either me or someone innocent who I could not protect.  My psychoemotional makeup was fractured into bits to insulate me from what was happening so I could live through it.  However, me, the real me, was always there, although caged, hiding and waiting.  Waiting for the opportunity to crawl back out and wholly live.

When the abuse started, I was so young my brain began to delegate what I could manage into conscious and subconscious memory.  The reality I lived on a daily basis did not include the abuse I was enduring.  I ate, slept, drank, pooped, showered - just like you did.  But, when something traumatic happened, my brain shielded me by wrapping up the traumatic memory with an energy like a warm blanket, and stored it for later, a time when it would be safe to unfold the chaos and bring it back out into the light. 

In the light, my horrors have been reduced to moments of evil; times when another person's unconsciousness overrode my ability to be fully human.  As I reclaim each inch, I find my humanity was never taken, just lost to me for a time.  When I walk through each memory, little by little, I can shine some more.  It is the best revenge I could ever hope for.  

The journey has been to unearth my truth, the dirt of my past, taking it from its grave and placing it properly back into the past where it belongs - behind me.  It is like assembling a quilt of consciousness by interweaving the memories into the loom of my being - thread by thread, pattern by pattern, theme by theme - until it resembles a whole person.   I am still in the middle stages of that process, but I like what I see, and I am thankful my soul is full of gentleness and compassion for what I endured.  That is something I can add to our collective awareness because I give it to myself - a silver lining.


Yesterday, my second therapist choked up in front of me.  She began discussing how strong my soul is to show up day after day, chipping away at the weighty baggage I drag around, aware I could sink into an abyss of depression or addiction or worse if I didn't.   She told me she was awestruck by that kind of courage.  I know she was telling her truth.

I didn't know what to say.  Most days it is a struggle just to stay present; be a mother, wife, and friend.  I don't usually think much beyond that - beyond each tiny bit of self-geography I reclaim.  Her words helped me feel seen; known for the hundreds of minute challenges I face daily that are not noticeable to the naked eye.  It was a recognition I needed to hear, and more importantly know.  


Twenty years ago, I lost my son to murder at the hands of my father and the sadistic cult he was a member of while my mother and brother turned their backs. 

I can not get my son back. 

I will miss him for the rest of my life.

The best gift I know to give him is to heal in spite of how hard it is.  I hope this will make him smile.  


©  2011 Sparking.  All Rights Reserved.

Image:  Google Images.

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You are the bravest person I know. Every since I first read you, I can see you getting stronger and stronger. That you can write like this and go through your life with courage and conviction is amazing. I'm glad you can again fill the page~
sigh.. this just made me so sad.
nothing but hugs and the bravery you have showed.
rated with hugs
I am stunned by both the depravity of your father's actions and the breathtaking courage you've displayed here. This should not happen to anyone. You are surviving the unsurvivable. All the best.
Sparking, the name you have chosen on OS says much to me. You are still sparking - still putting yourself out there in the world, making a life for yourself despite the unspeakable things you have endured. May this season of renewal provide a little extra strength for your spirit. You deserve goodness and peace and love. R
I never know what to say to you - your words and your courage in sharing are powerful to me. If I knew you I would hug you -
Scanner - I don't take that compliment lightly. It is wonderful to hear you see the strength increasing through the words I share - thank you for that feedback, and more importantly, for your friendship. Love to you and yours!

Linda - it makes me sad, too. Thank you for always listening.

bb - Yes, I agree, no one should have to go through this. But more do than most of us would like to think. Here's hoping we all find a space for healing our humanity.

Rita - What kind words you have shared with me, they are being taken ::in:: This is the season for sewing new roots, when I can leave the pain fallow to be sprinkled with tenderness and love, like you have shown me here. Thank you.

LammChops - I'll take that hug! What you said was perfect...

Padraig - Indeed, it was to live through it, too!
No words, just thoughts of you today.
"As I reclaim each inch, I find my humanity was never taken, just lost to me for a time. When I walk through each memory, little by little, I can shine some more. "

You were one of the first people I read regularly and the above sentences are why. You had a way out of the cage. Your story is a horror but I've tried to learn from you. I'm grateful Sparking, I don't have the horrors you have but because you wrote I'm starting to shine a little too.

From my heart I wish you peace, joy and Love, Bleue
bluestocking babe put it best: the triumph of unimaginable courage over unspeakable depravity.
You shine through most incredible experiences life can dish out- and that is an amazing testamet to your courage and stamina as well as the highest form of honoring your son's memory. I embrace you with love, Sparking.

She began discussing how strong my soul is to show up day after day, chipping away at the weighty baggage I drag around, aware I could sink into an abyss of depression or addiction or worse if I didn't. She told me she was awestruck by that kind of courage. I know she was telling her truth.

I agree with her. Keep living your truth, sparking . . . day by day . . .

And I appreciate your decision to share your truth with us . . . it is an honor to be a part of your journey in this way.
Making a quilt. That image resonates well Sparking. Taking the tattered pieces and remnants,stitching them togther into a vibrant comfortable piece that radiates warmth and can be shared. You're a quilter without equal.
this was a hard, hard thing to write. some people never get this kind of courage--the courage to heal;
beautifully written
Rita - thank you.

Bleue - Ah, that means the world to me to hear! It makes all the difficult soul searching worth while, knowing someone can relate. I think we are all here tying to make sense of ourselves and reality from time to time and what a gift we can give each other through our honesty. Thank you for your thoughts and words!

Nikki - I really do try to focus on the triumph while shedding light on the horror. I only hope we all are a little more aware to our surroundings and who we may help as a result. Keep shining!

Fusun - Thank you. The stamina is what puts me in awe sometimes, I wonder, how will I ever keep going? But somehow, I do, and I'm grateful. It is the moments like this which help me reflect, renew, and take in the beauty of the world. Thank you.

Owler - your friendship has been a steady companion as I have unearthed parts of my story to share. Thank you for the steadfast support and kind encouragement.

alsoknownas - I am glad you can appreciate the metaphor, I was looking for something warm and light. Thank you for traveling with me, you do it lightly and I am grateful.

Kathy - courage is kind of a mystery to me - does it stem from guts or necessity? Or both? Why is it so admired? These are questions I think about some time. I think real courage comes from not thinking about it too much and just staying in action.
Caroline Marie - oops! Thank you for coming by. ::hug::
He will see this..and you will see him one know what comes to mind(and I know we believe a little differently,) a verse I hadnt thought of in yrs, since I learned it as a child..I cant quote it but it is something like: In my Father's house are many mansions, I go there to prepare a place for you, I would not tell you, if it were not so.
These are Jesus' words telling us what is ahead.
This was the block.

This reads like a dam has burst. Terrific statements, Sparking.
Your holy wholeness is untouched and waiting. Your immense courage and intelligence and integrity and compassion are indestructible forces to reclaim it with. Keep weaving, sister. Your quilt is an amazingly beautiful one, amazing in its extremes of all experience. Not many shoulders can carry that range, and few have your eloquence that enables sharing it with words in the powerful way you do. You probably know it best - that there is no need to think beyond the geography you have reclaimed, and the presence you paid it in full. Currency of the highest order and the only one accepted for the goods. Proud to know you, Sparking. Wishing you those precious moments of joy. And much love, always.
dedicating healing and the reclaiming of joy to your son.
cindy - I always appreciate your words, no matter how differently we believe. In essence, I just think we find different ways of saying the same thing. The mansion is the soul restored to its full identity in the house of God, on this planet or else where. I want to live in that mansion NOW so I'm working for it.

Kim - very perceptive. I found myself writing all these things I couldn't complete because I need to say this, I needed to remember, I needed to grieve and let go a little more. Thank you for listening.

Maria - you bring me to tears every time. Thank you, thank you.
It is a gift to read you.

The sheer size of what you are overcoming is astounding. I will be holding you, your son and family in my prayers.
"It is like assembling a quilt of consciousness by interweaving the memories into the loom of my being - thread by thread, pattern by pattern, theme by theme - until it resembles a whole person."

What I see is a beautiful tapestry, strong but flexible, full of fascinating patterns that include overcoming horror and expressing joy. That tapestry--the person you are--is a work of spirit and of art.
Your words here are a gift to all who draw breath. They are a gift to your son and surely, as you speak them here, you are allowing him to smile. Your response to Kim here says everything else. You grace us as you share your journey.
My dearest Sparking - there is so much strength and incredible courage in this post. You have amazed me since the very first time I read you, and you continue to do so. The admiration I feel for you is immense. The mere fact that you have chosen to find the strength to face the horrors of your past when it would be so much easier to just let go and sink forever into the abyss of despair speaks volumes about who you are at your very core - a strong, amazing, inspiring and brilliant woman.
You. Are. A. Rock.
Sparking, I don't use this word very often, but you are one of my true heroes. Courage, I believe, is something that builds upon itself. The more you use, the more you get. You are courage personified. You know I love you.

thinking of you, old friend. xoxo
Clarity of thoughts and words here. Now I understand your bio. Wishing you strength (which you already have in spades) and peace (which you've fought hard for).
Hope - we will take those blessings!

Pilgrim - a work of spirit and art - wow, to be seen through such a lens has left me awestruck. I know by honoring my process here, I am in essence honoring myself, but as someone who has had a difficult finding the essence of 'me', it is a beautiful thing to have it reflected back by people I admire and adore. Thank you for that.

anna - I don't think I've thanked you for your generous reading and commenting on my blog. Thank you. I am happy to know you have found grace here amongst my words.

Kim - kim, kim kim! Choked up. Don't know what to say. Tears are streaming down my face. Thank you. Thank you for being an enlightened witness as I travel my path and share it here. It is a great unburdening to know people like you are out there in the world, cheering humanity on!

Lezlie - I do know you love me, and I love you. Your just one of those people I know I will meet some day, in this life or the next. Thank you for being the strong, vibrant presence here on OS that you are and sharing your journey with me as I do with you.

Femme! - Ah. Ahhhhhh! Thank you. ::hugs::

Scarlett - Yes, an energetic "traffic negotiator", always trying to keep myself within bounds. My boundaries get stronger and stronger with each release. May we all have peace my friend.
Deep sighs of sorrow and sympathy for you. Words are really useless sometimes. The mandala is beautiful, is it one of your creations?
Sparking, I am so thankful that OS has brought us together as friends and am able to see in person that courage and strength you exude everytime I'm with you. As Kim had said above, it would be so much easier to simply give up and give in. And that, shows the amazing strength of Sparking.
Love to you, are an inspiration...xox
Owl said it for me. Thanks for continuing to share this journey with us.
Your telling of this story in such a beautiful and literate way is remarkable. You truly must have a will beyond compare.
Your expression of your pain is a gift to us and I pray a gift of healing to yourself.
rated with love
You don't have to boost me up so that I can hear you. I can do that for you, save you the work of holding up the world, one person at a time.

You have faced evil, survived, and evolved. Congratulations on your revenge.
There is such searing pain here. You are very brave to go down this road in writing.
Rated!!! All I can say.....beyond words!!!
You have blossomed here as a writer, but more importantly it has been our great gift to "watch" you take root and grow as a reclaimed human being. I simply have no words to express my feelings when I read you.
Blessings, my friend.
It's busy everywhere where Sometin's Happening. I've been taking Parole & Prabation i=pod calls on a slow-doll telle-phone from Bombay, India.

I Love to talk to Indians about mustard grees, seeds, marigolds, twin baby goats, curry, and whey. Eventually - The Indian Collection Fee gentleman until they keep insisting to me ~

"Excuse me, sir?"

"I am no sir. No sir!"

I tell them my woes!

"I work for a living!"

The nice Indian bill-collector is just doin his American assigned Job.
Who'swant to beg for filthy lucre all the way from India's contracted out`
Pax American's slow`
Fee-Collection Calls?
They always tell me calls are monitored. I always say` I sure Hope so. Beware Tim 4-Change.

Great to follow You to Sparking.
I come and go. I get knocked-off.
No ask India's female caller this`
No ask her about her change sex.
No call FBI or ask `bout Sex Life.
Kerry may be a Met `gin Steroids.
He's congenial Golly `Gin Fellow.
Oho. I Love Open Salon's toughs.
I mean respect the Real Changed.
Let's nickname Kerry Manhattan.
MadHatter Bo Boo Bo Old `Smurf?
There are so few words..only lots and lots of love and hugs.
Sorry I'm late - it was a sleep-in day. ::sigh::

Oryoki - no, this is from Google Images. I have a sewing machine now and it is on my list of to do's to learn how to use it.

Trilogy - now it's my turn to say, "there are no words." I count you among the very few who have the strength to bear witness to this process, with all its ebbs and flows, and I always feel buoyed by your presence in my life. You are a gem - steadfast and shiny.

Robin - ::hugs::

Gabby Abby - thank you!

Romantic - it is nice to hear how my words come across, thank you for that feedback. I feel your prayers.

Seer - cleansing by fire - yes! Thank you for sharing that movie line as well as this, "That initial spark that glimmered and simmered, until it has now ignited a rebellion that is melting childhood chains to reform them into your personal crucible." I have written that down in my journal and I thank you!

diannani - I'm not sure what I did that was "boosting up" but I sincerely thank you for your support and love.

Caroline - from one writer I deeply respect (you), I thank you for recognizing how hard this is to put to paper. It is cleansing for me, a chance to release the pain to be held in little bits by all instead of a giant burden by me alone. Thank you for holding it.

Tink - you rascal! I love you man!

Tim! - Dear friend, thank you. It has been a process of reclaimation, and I am thankful to know people like you are hear, listening, praying, holding, and caring. You are the gift after writing something like this.

ART - I am glad you "work for a living". I know when we meet that we will sift earth, maybe go to town and see the 'Smurf' movie and laugh with Hot Tamales in our mouths. No spitting! :)

Cathy - thank you!!!!
Vivid and truly, truly unnerving. I was especially struck by this eloquent piece of writing: "I am trying to stay in my body now. At least now, I even know there is a body which is my own. At least now, I know what the concept 'now' is. Finally, I am taking steps in my life as a sovereign being." The first three sentences are so said; yet, the last balances them. You have claimed title to yourself.
Sparking, I am back to clarify.

Anecdote: If I mention a hard time I have been through, the audience, the listener, for some unexplained reason, feels obligated to be "hurt" by hearing it, and demands to be "fixed." It feels as though the listener must be boosted up, must be told, "But hey! All is cool now!" or some such thing.

I imagine that you, with your exceptionally hard experiences, have been met with this same reaction. I imagine it gets hard to tell the story, then lift up everyone so they can go on about their lives without all the guilt they don't want to be carrying.

I can't take away your experience, can't promise something will never hurt you again. My limited ability to do anything helpful in any way is to listen, to accept, to understand, and one more thing, I can lift up myself, by myself, so that you have one less person to do that for. Such a little thing, but it seems all I am really able to do.

And I do that, with much love.
You can look at a scar and see hurt, or healing -- I can't remember where I read that, but it seems appropriate here, for how you've managed to move forward for yourself and your family.
Jerry - thank you for your perception, it is nice to know how the writing can convey but not bury the reader.

diananni - thank you for the clarification - I truly appreciate that. I have to admit I do feel some responsibility to ensure people can bear my 'story' (something I hate to call it because it is my life and so much work has gone into being able just function on a basic level), and I truly appreciate your intuitiveness around this. I struggle as a writer with this at times, at least writing it from a non-fiction perspective. If I fictionalized my story, which is something I have been trying to do, then I think I could let the reader bear the pain more easily. Some sort of detachment there I think.

As always, thank you for your honesty and insight. It is refreshing.

Bell - I'll be putting that in my book of quotes, might even end up in a book one day if I ever make it that far in the literary world. Love, love, love to you, dear friend.
I am awestruck. You are truly inspirational with what you have endured and the intensity of your courage. There are no words to dexcribe what you have been through. You deserve to reach the peaks of happiness, joy and contentment.
My precious friend. I find myself without the vocabulary to express how I feel, what I think, where I travel with the experience of reading You. You have found the words to express the unutterable. You dig with the fine brush of the archeologist the depths of your soul -- caged or free. You explore the deserts, plains, mountains, rain forests, and oceans of your unthinkable, un-graspable, geography. You are a pioneer of the human condition and indomitable spirit! You conduct your symphony of words with vision, intensity, intelligence and grit. I am in awe. And love you dearly.