[Rant alert: this post is pure rant and has no redeeming substance]

• American Cheese. I don't mean that I don't understand how American cheese came to exist. Without taking the effort to look it up, I assume it was developed during a war, when milk was expensive. Or something like that. But what is completely beyond my comprehension is why anyone would eat it, let alone why any restaurant—a place that is trying to lure you in based on the irresistible yumminess of it's product—would serve it. American cheese seems as if somebody who hated cheese set about a way to sabotage cheese consumption by creating something so resolutely bland that the entire concept of cheese would be destroyed. And yet it and it's vile cousin Veleeta persist. Why? If there is one thing that should unify Americans of all political parties, religious affiliations and sexual orientations, it should be the absolute FAIL of American cheese as an edible substance.

So, by Things I don't understand, I don't mean things I either lack the education or mental capacity to understand. There are plenty of things I don't understand that I'm content to not understand. How computers work, for example. I understand programming, more or less, but how a huge collection of binary switches work together to allow me to do anything remains absolutely baffling to me. Sure, I could study for years and figure it out, but right now: no clue. And don't ask me to explain the finer points of Chinese calligraphy. 

•  "Everything happens for a reason." Has there ever been a more commonly held sentiment that is more obviously untrue, given even a tiny amount of thought? Unless the speaker means, "everything follows the rules of the universe," the statement is bunk. It's a statement that is usually used about a specific person's circumstance. It implies that the entire universe has been constructed in such a way that that circumstance was inevitable—and created for the purpose of that person benefiting from it. For it to be true, something would have to engineer a universe centered on that specific person. All the horrible things that happen to other people would have to happen for the benefit of that one person. Millions of people killed by Hitler? That happened for a reason. All the people killed in Katrina? That happened for a reason. The guy who was paralyzed when he was electrocuted in a freak accident? That happened for a reason. Much more likely, nothing happens for a reason. At some point, the universe just happened (see below). It had a bunch of fundamental rules that determined everything that happened after that point. And that's the entirety of the reason anything and everything happens. You and everybody you've ever known are just as much of an after thought as the hair that washes down the drain after a shower.

• Does God exist? It's not that I find that question hard to understand, I just don't understand why people aren't more baffled and intrigued by the question, "why is there existence?" Once you posit existence, anything is possible. But why would there be a big bang or whatever created existence? Any explanation has to posit existence before existence. Unless I'm not smart enough to figure it out. Which is definitely a possibility. This is the kind of question that used to give me headaches and cause me sleepless nights as a child. It fundamentally challenges the rationality of anything. Yet nobody seems to care.

• Movies based on toys. I have to admit that Pirates of the Caribbean proved to be fairly charming. And the concept of a movie based on a theme park ride is just as abysmal as one based on a toy. But come on, aren't there hundreds of good books writers and producers could rip off to make a movie without having to resort to toys? Or is the fundamental problem that we've reached a point in our cinema culture where plot and character have become so secondary to boom-boom  that scripts are largely irrelevant.

• My team when used in reference to a team one doesn't play on. More specifically, the idea that a team owned entirely by some corporate enterprise or wealthy family that doesn't include you is "your team." It isn't. In fact, what you are is not a fan, but a patsy. The more you hold the belief that this team that doesn't care about you at all is yours, the more likely they are to reach into your wallet and take your money, with your blessing, to ensure they stay wealthy. If you have a sufficiently strong connection to the concept that the owner's team is your team, you will facilitate the owner reaching into your neighbor's pocket and taking his money as well, as you vote to have you and your neighbor pay the owners basic business costs.

• Why I'm ranting about any of this. Okay. I'm know the answer to this question. I just don't want to accept it.