Yes, this has been bugging me for quite some time, so I’m letting it out.

Everyday, I am faced with this one particular statement:

CAUTION:  DO NOT INSERT IN EAR CANAL  (from a box of cotton-swabs, of course).

Okay. You know what?  I despise having the inner parts of my ears wet.  It feels gross to me, much like blowing your nose and still having a slick coating of snot left over. So, yeah, part of my daily routine after I shower, is to INSERT THE COTTON SWAB IN MY EAR CANAL.  It’s not like I wind up and get ready for a quick jab like a nurse giving a flu shot—I am careful.  So why not that?  CAUTION:   USE CARE WHEN INSERTING IN EAR CANAL.

Some warnings are useful and necessary, such as the whole “hot coffee” thing now printed on cups (no shit, ‘cause I didn’t ask for an iced coffee).  Thank you, unidentified moron (because I can’t be bothered with that trivial crap), for suing McDonald’s because the “hot coffee” you ordered was actually HOT. And then you spilled it.  My life is now polluted with people I don’t even know, telling me what to do.

I started taking a closer look and there are warnings and cautions on almost every damn thing in my house!  And you know what I think? 

“Fuck you. Don’t tell me what to do.”  OR  “How stupid IS the average consumer?”

I don’t recall at what point in my life I became familiar with the fact that plastic bags are not good for helmets on infants/small children, or that any sort of pimple cream should not be used in the eyes (Shit! “Cause it’s in my eye, it’s a STYE? WTF…”), but THANK GOD I have the talented, legal teams at all these companies looking out for my well-being.  Since I, of course, might have overlooked something.

Here are some of my favorites, found in my very own home:

·         Deodorant (clear solid, if you must know):   For external use only. 

So I guess the folks with a smelly ass are shit out of luck. Hmmm…Maybe the roll-on would have been more suitable as a douche.

·         Facial Moisturizer:   For external use only, not to be swallowed.

But my throat was so dry and I didn’t know what else to do!

·         Nail Polish Remover:   Keep out of eyes.

Shit! I painted them blue last night to match my purse… Now how am I gonna get this stuff off?

·         Disinfectant spray (that kills “99.9”% of germs”):   Wear safety glasses or face shield.

Really?  Damn.  I feel like such a rebel now that I’ve been using this shit for years without any protective devices.  Kids, don’t try this at home. The least they could do is package it up into a “starter kit”…Free safety glasses with purchase!

·         “Magic Eraser”:   Using on skin will likely cause abrasions.

And I was looking to start up my own Tattoo Removal business, sans lasers (which I bet are at least 1,000 times more dangerous). Crap. Back to the drawing board…

Then I noticed some items that DON’T have warning labels, and probably should, since we’re a nation of idiots and don’t automatically know that we should not use anti-bacterial hand soap as an eyewash…

·         Toothpicks:  Devoid of any information, for that matter.

Apparently we are given some credit here as consumers since there is no instructional guide or suggestions for use. How about a “Do not stick in eyes”?  Betcha these would be good for cleaning out ear canals…

·         Tabasco:  No warnings at all.

Maybe it has a great antiseptic quality.  Next time I get rug-burn, I’ll have to try it out…

·         Tequila:  No warnings, but should have:   Do not mix with tomato & grapefruit juice—will taste awful & induce vomiting.

WHY are we not warned about this lethal combination?  “Hit the blender again!”

·         Dental Floss:  No cautionary tales.

How about  “Do not use as a life saving device”?  I don’t know, people are pretty fucking stupid. 

 Disclaimer:  Author, in no way, condones, promotes  or endorses the use of WD-40, Lysol, toothpaste, or any other “wet” products, to achieve whatever-the-fuck-you -were-thinking-was-a-good -idea-for-lubrication, to aid in any required pulling, pushing, shoving, ramming, or jamming, of any body parts, fasteners, electric tools, or home-made devices, to achieve whatever-the-fuck-you-hoped-for.  However, in case of contact with eyes, flush with water and seek medical attention.