Almost twenty years.

Boyfriends and a husband have come and gone. I never had any kids, but I had you.

As I type this, you are inconveniently, but comfortably, sitting in my lap, for the last time.

For the past 2 ½ years you woke me up in the middle of the night, every night, sometimes more than once.   That loud, crazy howling noise/meow,  that the vet had chalked up to the dementia you were developing. At times for food, other times, for seemingly nothing. I likened you to a crying infant and learned to deal with it.  You haven’t woken me up like that in almost 2 weeks.

In September, I noticed your hind legs were a bit wobbly from time to time. You would occasionally “miss” when you tried to jump up on the bed. Last month, your stumbling grew markedly worse and you could barely negotiate the make-shift steps I had placed next to the bed. In the past 2 weeks I have watched you painstakingly chose your steps and fall over as your legs betrayed you. I have since picked you up every night and placed you on the bed, where you always slept, curled up in the crook of my arm.

Over the long weekend, you stopped eating. I would put fresh food out at the routine times, but it wouldn’t be touched. You also stopped joining me outside on the patio for the first cup of coffee & cigarette each morning. You don’t run to greet me at the door every night and tell me all about your day. Once an incessant chatterbox, you barely speak to me anymore. Except with your eyes.

There is no fixing you. When I came home the other night, I found you collapsed in a furry heap on the bathroom floor.  I suspect you had been there for hours.  Alone.  I lifted you out of the pool of urine and while cleaning you up, I knew I had to make a decision. You’re an old cat who has done his job as a faithful companion, but now it’s time to rest.

At 10:30 today, I will bundle you up and we’ll go for a ride in the car—which you hate.  I’m sorry. Around 11:30am, I will kiss you on your head and tell you (for the last time) “Mama loves you.  Go  to sleep now.”

The only constant in my life for almost twenty years; My friend, my Nigel.