This afternoon my friend and I had a discussion about fast vs. slow zombies. Here is what we came up with.

 And his response when I asked if I could publish the exchange? 

Go to town - can't let all this braaaaiiiinnnn power go to waste!  :)

Brilliant.

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From:    Stephalupagous
To:          Eric 

Which are worse – fast or slow zombies?

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From:  Eric
To: Stephalupagous

Hmmm…  Fast zombies can catch you - bad.  But at least it's over quick - good.   Slow zombies probably won't catch you - good.  But if they do, they're also slow to eat you - bad. All told, I'll take my chances with the slow zombies.

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From:    Stephalupagous
To:          Eric 

Slow zombies all the way. And they’re more terrifying because they never stop…… 

And I have a theory – zombies don’t eat brains for energy it just part of a mindless impulse, much like a paper shredder. They are people shredders. So if this is true than each corpse has a finite amount of energy stored in the tissue, as fat, undigested food, etc. therefore, two things can be assumed:

1.Slow zombies have an “evolutionary” advantage over fast ones as they conserve energy more. 

2.Fat corpses  make better zombies as there is more stored energy (also, possibly due to the bulk of the body, an obese zombie would be a slow zombie and therefore be a longer “living” zombie). 

Also, a point to consider is that maybe slow zombies are just old fast zombies. If we hole up somewhere safe enough, soon there will only be slow ones, which are easy to pick off.

One thing I always wondered was how come zombies are so strong?

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From:   Eric
To: Stephalupagous

 Fascinating!  So, although we tell people obesity is detrimental to their health, and therefore lifespan, it's actually beneficial to their "deathspan".  I guess you'd have to decide which was more important to you. 

As to why zombies are so strong - rigor mortis.  They've got muscles like steel.  Something about the decay of fluid in the joints must allow them to move despite their condition.

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From:    Stephalupagous
To:           Eric 

I see what you are saying about rigor, but according to Wikipedia, “rigor mortis is caused by a chemical change in the muscles after death, causing the limbs of the corpse to become stiff and difficult to move or manipulate”. This condition persists until enough decomposition has occurs for the muscle tissue to break down. So that’s out as the reason for super-zombie strength.  They’d just be gooey.

And even if the joints loosened up enough, you wouldn’t have the muscle power to even use the rigor-frozen limbs as levers.  Force of will is a bit wishy-washy. Thoughts?

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From:   Eric
To: Stephalupagous

Well, if you're discounting force of will, then magic probably isn't going to cut it either… Alright, assuming for a moment that rigor mortis does not set into zombie-fied corpses*, thus allowing them to move, we need to look for another source for super zombie strength. 

According to Wikipedia, "hysterical strength" is a speculative concept where:a person in general situations uses no more than an average of 33% of the muscle fibers available despite being in situations in which said person demands full strength—limited as such by the human brain. If the person uses 100% of their muscle fibers they could hypothetically perform unusual feats of strength. Hysterical strength is a natural evolutionary adaptation since hysterical strength can result in torn muscles and damaged joints.

This is why, in addition to high lactic acid production, the body limits the number of muscle fibers the human body uses. Since zombies are dead, the brain is unlikely to be performing typical regulatory functions.  In fact, even speech-centres appear to be deactivated, leaving only movement-centres and an insatiable appetite for braaaaiiiinnnsss. 

Therefore, it is entirely possible that zombies have access to 100% of their actual muscle strength.   However, this suggests that zombie strength is inversely proportional to the age, and degree of decay, of the zombie.  We can extrapolate that young, fast zombies are therefore considerably stronger than their older, slower cousins.  This may also be why slow zombies tend to hunt in larger packs (well, that, and the fact they can't really get away from each other very fast).

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From:    Stephalupagous
To:           Eric 

I have to say Eric that we have figured it out. There is no difference between slow and fast zombies in their creation, however that may come about, but in their age. As zombies get older, they get slower.  Hmmm…cool beans  

*I asked Eric about this. Here is the response.

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From:    Stephalupagous 
To:          Eric

Just a question on the zombifed corpse mention in the part about hysterical strength – wouldn’t that only occur in the freshly dead/infected ones? If in fact zombie-ism is transferred via the biting process, then people who were alive prior to the biting would be super strong. Otherwise, if zombies are created via some other supernatural means, then they are re-animated corpses and thus prone to the fallbacks of rigor?

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From:  Eric
To:  Stephalupagous

I think hysterical strength would apply throughout a zombie's "death" since it would kick in the instant the brain's regulatory functions ceased.  Actual strength would depend on the degree of decay in the muscle tissue itself, hence my belief that younger zombies would be stronger. 

However, even older zombies should still be stronger than a typical human.A freshly infected living person would not have super-zombie strength since their brain functions are still largely intact (if a bit rattled).This entire line of thinking is predicated on rigor mortis not setting in on zombies - which is a subject for yet another discussion I believe!

I'm going to miss Eric when he goes to Cardiff for a year.