"Conditional Love" is a great title and topic. I would like to read more about it.

I can relate to this. I'm losing my dad currently and I love him with all my heart, and he never laid a hand on me but I've written at length on here about how at age 9, when he and my mom split up, he broke down and I had to take care of him since then. Thirty-six years later I'm still taking care of him. It never stopped. He didn't mean to inflict neglect and pain on me, but he did. I have forgiven him and it was hard. Your circumstances, I'm sure, are different but don't let it fester. Address it as best you can even if it means confronting him. I waited too late.

All the best and hang in there.

Sweetie. you can start to heal yourself, truly. I grew up with a father who for the most part was not physically abusive, but who could never accept, praise, or validate me. I was never good enough. My sexuality was repugnant. He could not stop trying to mold me into the "individual" he thought I should be. Fortunately I was self supporting, said fuck this shit, and my father lost his mind and went to a place where the matters of reality no longer mattered.

Learn to love yourself. Find people who love you. Silence the negative voices. If possible distance yourself from your father as much as possible as he will not change. If you need to seek professional help. I send you every wish and hope that you will emerge stronger and happier from all you have been through.

littlewillie: i'll write more about this in the future. i'm glad you want to read more about it.

kind of blue: i'm working towards talking to him about it. i've talked with my mom about her role and resolved that with her - what a freeing experience! i don't know if he'll ever hear me, but i'm going to try. thank you for your support. i understand what it is like to love someone who causes so much pain.

cave_canem: sounds like our dads are two peas in a pod, although i suspect my dad's mind will be clear to the end of his days. i'm sorry to hear about what happened to you. i'm glad that you could get out of it. i'm working on surrounding myself with those who love and support me for me. not easy to do when you're a cultivated people-pleaser. thank you for the wishes. i'll keep you posted with how my journey goes.

Wow. A good therapist would help, I think. Whether he hears you or not, you can work on your own freedom from pain.

Choosing your own new family is one way to go. I know you have your Mom, but she's enabling Dad. Surround yourself with a new 'family,' people who love you and care for you.

I've been in a similar place; I found that it is OK not to like, or even love, a parent. You can perhaps find a place of forgiveness, realize that they did the best they could with what they knew, but it doesn't excuse the facts - your parent (bold and italicized) hurt you. You didn't deserve it - you were a kid.

You can talk to someone, hopefully a therapist, and that will help you free up your feelings. You can keep writing here. You can have your OWN life - you are 28 and deserve it. You don't need to involve him if you don't want to.

Remember - love doesn't hurt.