As most people will agree with, the bathroom is a private place.

If you are at home, it can be a great place to R&R and just escape (I say this after discovering that the height of a toilet seat is most comfy for reading once you get over the fact you’re wearing pants and sitting on the loo and  also while living with a bf in a teeny <500ft² apartment).

On the other hand, public bathrooms have just the illusion of privacy and require adjustment as necessary.  Sure we get a door to close; either as a stall door or actual door, depending.  Just because the door is closed, doesn’t mean no knows you’re there.

Based on years of human observation and curiosity into the human condition, I present to you three distinct species found within the environs of the ladies’ bathrooms.*

The Lurker

This common creature is often found in multi-stall bathrooms in office environments. The Lurker takes up her position for hours at a time. Often they can be found in the same stall at the same time everyday.  All you know is that from 2:04-3:17pm the last stall on the left is occupied.

The identity of the Lurker can be easy to identify in smaller offices as you may notice a co-worker’s extended absence or recognise shoes as you walk in. In larger offices or on whole floors, it is more difficult. Identifying the Lurker is not necessary by any means. Sometimes it is just interesting to know who is spending hours in the bathroom.

One thing to note about the Lurker, that regardless of what they are doing prior to your entry into the bathroom (crying, playing the tuba, talking to imaginary friends) all noise stops the moment that the door begins to open. I believe that this is a survival technique of these creatures, an aural camouflage if you will; much like when toddlers cover their eyes and think that no one can see them.

The Lurker presents no real danger, unless it is a two-stall bathroom and one is occupied and you absolutely have to pee. It is believed that this behaviour does continue within the private home, which is fine because it is certain that many people enjoy a break in the loo. Doing it at work just might not be the best place, unless you have some heavy business to conduct.

The Chatter

This is a new and disruptive species. With the advent of cell phones it is now possible to talk to anyone, anywhere. This is a fine example of the famous maxim “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should”.  

Simply put, the Chatter will engage in phone conversations while in the bathroom. It is understandable that while checking make-up/washing hands, a phone call can be taken if urgent, but why would a conversation be conducted while conducting other business? There is a risk of embarrassment either to the Chatter or to the party on the other end of the phone.  Nothing is so important that it can’t wait a minute or two.

There are X sub-species of the Chatter. Some are more disruptive than others.

1.    The Short  Passive Chatter: will answer phone calls and engage in conversation, but does not initiate contact. Often conversations are short and consist of a message that they will call back. Often background noises within the Chatter’s control are muffled or excluded. This presents a confusing behaviour, as the secondary phone call will occur within 3-5 minutes and therefore answering the phone the first time becomes slightly redundant.

2.    The Long Passive Chatter: will also answer the phone and engage in conversation, although on a longer scale. These conversations will continue throughout various bathroom activities and even until the Chatter has left.

3.    The Active Chatter: There is little distinction between a Short and Long Active Chatter. The main identifier in this species is the placement of a call while in the stall or washroom. Sometimes an Active Chatter may enter the washroom, complete her work and leave while engaged in a cell phone conversation.

Nothing can be done about this species. It seems that they are becoming more prevalent in today’s society.  As more and more people share their lives online via Facebook, Twitter and other social media programs, we can expect the Chatter to increase as the social barriers around privacy collapse.

On a side note, texting is fine as it is not disruptive or potentially embarrassing to the persons involved.

The Hoverer

This is a fairly newly discovered species. I’m not sure as to the origins of them. Once again they are recognised by their odd behaviour. Whereas the Lurker and the Chatter are only noticed while in the bathroom, the Hoverer is only known by the signs left behind.

The sign of a Hoverer’s presence is the distinct spray pattern upon the seat. How this effect is achieved has yet to be determined as a Hoverer has not been observed in action. Experts speculate that the Hoverer positions them 3-8 inches above the seat to perform, thus leaving the tell-tale pattern.

The purpose of this behaviour has yet to be determined. Germ transfer is a possible reason. The problem with this is that the possibility of actual transfer of germs from a toilet seat into the blood stream or mucosal membranes of the body is highly unlikely, unless something bizarre is going on. Due to this, the current hypothesis is that it is about marking territory in an aggressive manner. To what ends is unknown. As it is a public restroom, there is little guarantee that no one will avoid that stall.

The best thing to do about a Hoverer is chose another stall and hope that they don’t mark all stalls. Also, a bottle of Lysol and some paper towels hidden in the washroom will clean things up a treat.  Passive-aggressive notes are known to be ineffective and may contribute to more widespread and ‘solid’ evidence of marking.

Two nagging questions about this species, aside from the goal in marking:

How do they do it? Squatting, standing on the seat, etc? and,
How do they keep their pants and legs dry?

Any comments or continued observations of these or other species is greatly appreciated by the researcher.

* This is not to say that these species do not occur in male washrooms. The researcher is female and doesn’t spend extensive time in the men’s room; just when there is a huge line for the ladies.  That being said, some evidence of the male Chatter has been collected as the researcher was on the other end of the phone. To all those men who answer the phone in the loo: I’ll wait for a call back.