Doctor Blather's Actuator diagram.

Makes you blink
First, the eye problem. The Blink Actuator fits like a helmet. It pumps tiny amounts of misty saline fluid into the eyes, thereby moisturizing the sockets and causing the player to blink. The beanie on top is decorative.

The fan attached to the helmet’s forehead keeps dust from the eyes. It also enables the player to use both hands for the controller while smoking, cigarette dangling from the mouth, without the smoke rising into the eyes -- because that’s bad for you.

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Chair diagram by Doctor Jones.

Toilet paper sold separately
The Master Gamer Chair is an option for the serious player and a MUST for the online gamer, because it includes a fully plumbed toilet. Yes, necessary. Ask any World of Warcraft player whose warrior gets vanquished because the damn healer had a weak bladder and went AWOL in the middle of an attack.

An abdominal vibration belt and leg lift weights allow the gamer to forgo trips to the gym and still look relatively good. It goes without saying that the chair comes with a built-in ashtray. You can smoke, poop, pee and exercise without missing a minute of game time. Put a mini-fridge within reach and you conceivably can live for days without moving from the game.

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Dr. Blather's Third Arm diagram.

The gamer’s friend
It takes both hands to play a game. You can always pause the game for a necessity, such as scratching your crotch. But what of the pet, a neglected dog nagging you for attention?

With the Prosthetic Third Arm, made of metal frame wrapped in velvety cloth, you can satisfy your dog’s need for attention without interrupting your game time and without confronting the fact that you are a bad dog owner with no real life. Attach the Third Arm and sway back and forth as you stay fully engaged in the game.

Your dog will still love you, even if you don’t reciprocate. As for friends, you don’t need them. The video game is your friend. He will never abandon you.