By Elmer R. Jones
Doctor of Videology (Equivalent)
At lunch recently, my good friend Dr. (equivalent) Forrest Blather stared at my eyes.
Puffy lids. Bloodshot eyeballs. A distant, vacant look.
Dr. Blather, who could professionally diagnose ailments if he had a medical degree, started making educated guesses: Either I had just smoked a bag of dope, had been hit with allergies or had been sobbing uncontrollably.
I informed him of the real problem: A video game injury which I shall call Video Eye, the bloodied look you get when you play the video game “Mercenaries” for six hours and play so intensely that you forget to blink.
“That was my fourth diagnosis, and I would have hit it with a bit more patient history,” the good non-doctor rightly noted.
As we are individuals bent on helping humanity (for a profit), we set to mapping inventions to make the video-gaming world closer to the paradise it should become. We continued the discussions with sketch pads, and a wanna-be lawyer is working on incorporating our gaming-accessory business. Patents are pending.
Doctor Blather's Actuator diagram.
Makes you blink
First, the eye problem. The Blink Actuator fits like a helmet. It pumps tiny amounts of misty saline fluid into the eyes, thereby moisturizing the sockets and causing the player to blink. The beanie on top is decorative.
The fan attached to the helmet’s forehead keeps dust from the eyes. It also enables the player to use both hands for the controller while smoking, cigarette dangling from the mouth, without the smoke rising into the eyes -- because that’s bad for you.
“Guitar Hero” is a hit video game carrying a major health risk. You neurotically play a fake guitar by pressing the colored frets to match the colored notes flashing by on the screen. You become obsessed with mastering the songs on the play list for a series of concerts.
By the end of the night, your right index finger is numb from slamming the fret bar. At best, it limits game play in the immediate future. It’s not a great leap to speculate that Fret Finger Syndrome could cause permanent impairment– even necessitating AMPUTATION!
The protector is a simple, flexible rubbery Guitar Hero Fret Pad. It enables pain-free, obsessive playing of the game deep into the night.
Chair diagram by Doctor Jones.
Toilet paper sold separately
The Master Gamer Chair is an option for the serious player and a MUST for the online gamer, because it includes a fully plumbed toilet. Yes, necessary. Ask any World of Warcraft player whose warrior gets vanquished because the damn healer had a weak bladder and went AWOL in the middle of an attack.
An abdominal vibration belt and leg lift weights allow the gamer to forgo trips to the gym and still look relatively good. It goes without saying that the chair comes with a built-in ashtray. You can smoke, poop, pee and exercise without missing a minute of game time. Put a mini-fridge within reach and you conceivably can live for days without moving from the game.
Dr. Blather's Third Arm diagram.
The gamer’s friend
It takes both hands to play a game. You can always pause the game for a necessity, such as scratching your crotch. But what of the pet, a neglected dog nagging you for attention?
With the Prosthetic Third Arm, made of metal frame wrapped in velvety cloth, you can satisfy your dog’s need for attention without interrupting your game time and without confronting the fact that you are a bad dog owner with no real life. Attach the Third Arm and sway back and forth as you stay fully engaged in the game.
Your dog will still love you, even if you don’t reciprocate. As for friends, you don’t need them. The video game is your friend. He will never abandon you.