By Steve Arney
OS Health Correspondent

I first learned about the Contour abs-sculpting device while waiting for the 2:05 a.m. airing of Poker After Dark. (Note: I am not a paid endorser of any product or show.)

I had long ago quit those painful crunches. In fact, my exercise regimen comprised walking down the block once daily for a fresh pack of cigarettes.

So, my eyes perked up at Contour. It looks like a belt a professional wrestler would wear, except not with the flashy faux gold in front. The belt sends pulses into the body to stimulate abs muscles. Once I learned that Contour was developed by Swiss medical professionals, I knew it would enhance my core.

Subsequently, I used Poker After Dark as a queue to work my abs while absorbing a game -- a sport -- that the cynics long ago had crazily dismissed as a fad in television viewing. My life never gets more exciting than, say, watching Mike "The Mouth" Matusow taking a big chance on a possible gut-shot straight or Phil Ivey slow-playing with pocket aces. Or dreaming about Lacey Jones -- if only she would look my way.

And ever notice how Erick Lindgren resembles Boomer Esiason? Bet the Bengals would have won the 1989 Super Bowl had Erick been quarterbacking.

More exciting than a Super Bowl play is seeing someone bet his entire pile of chips, going "All In," during one of these sports events. It seems to give my Contour-powered abs an extra twitch when one of the poker athletes says "All In." Do they practice saying it? I do, usually while watching myself in a mirror to detect the tells I'm exuding -- sometimes deliberately as a bluff.

I say it coyly, a nonchalant "all in" to convey that it's no big deal that I'm putting my life on the line on a cold bluff. Or an exuberant, terse "I'm All In," to say, "Do it. Call me. I'm tempting you, sucker." Or the somber "Allll Innn," a remark implying desperation having drawn queen-seven off-suit and not having enough chips left to compete without a little magic.

Magic.

Like the six-pack abs I've developed in the past half-year of poker spectatorship. The drawback is that Contour doesn't make a full-body vibrating belt. The rest of me remains a little flabby, although I've increased my exercise regimen by increasing my smoking hobby to two packs a day, requiring two walks to the gas station.

So far, I've only managed to sculpt my abs but I plan to bulk up my lower region after learning about the wonder of ExtenZe.