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Steve Blevins

Steve Blevins
Location
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA
Birthday
November 05
Bio
Steve Blevins teaches medicine at the University of Oklahoma. He enjoys reading, music, and travel. He is interested in American and European history, French literature and culture, and music for piano and chamber ensemble.

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APRIL 6, 2009 9:40AM

The Language of Weeds (What You're Afraid To Ask M. Chariot)

Rate: 11 Flag

  

If you did not read Mr. Chariot’s exquisite essay, The (Adult) Language of Flowers, published on Valentine’s Day, you missed perhaps the most edifying lesson in gentlemanly etiquette ever to appear on the pages of Le Salon Ouvert.  The following day, the blogosphere was redolent with tributes to Mr. Chariot's florid prose and timely intimations.

 

With characteristic elegance and aplomb, Mr. Chariot reminded us that each flower conveys a unique sentiment, and that a gentleman who wishes to express himself precisely (and how else should a gentleman express himself?) must choose a flower as carefully as he would choose a balm for an ailing grandmother or an anti-emetic for a vomiting cat.

 

But one question remains: How does a gentleman properly express sentiments that are, shall we say, “less than love”? Clearly, this is a consequential matter, for even a marquis must betimes express disdain, indignation, or homicidal rage.  But how? The etiquette of expressing oneself negatively is often overlooked in even the most adroit curricula of cultural advancement.

 

So today I provide what a man of Monsieur Chariot’s distinction dare not provide: An introduction to the language of weeds.

 

Like flowers, weeds abound in meaning; each expresses a unique sentiment. It is, therefore, incumbent upon the discriminating misanthrope to choose a weed that precisely matches his intended message.

 

It is my sincere hope that the following reference may be of some value.

  

Weeds suck

anonymous gardener

  

Dr. Blevins’ (Adult) Language of Weeds

 

1 

 

Bindweed

 

The dinner was delightful, especially after the Imodium aperitif.

 


 

2

 

Clover

 

I was horrified to find the remains of your cat under my Porsche!

 


3

Daisy

Eggnog in your Hummer’s carburetor? How inexplicable.


4

Dandelion 

 I’m so sorry to hear of your daughter’s tragic accident. Perhaps the plastic surgeon can now be consulted with less ambivalence.


5

Ground elder

What an elegant evening gown. Did Sam’s have a sale?

 


 

6

Lesser trefoil 

 Your lovely wife is the very emblem of pubic generosity.


7

Mayweed 

 I so enjoyed the fruitcake. I hope you so enjoy this weed.


8 

Stinging nettle

 Get off my lawn!


9 

Sun spurge

 A necktie for my birthday! How creative.


10

Thistle

Thank you for the wedding invitation. Shall I wear gray for your third go-around?


11

Wall barley

 You are a genius, Mr. Chariot; yet, sometimes I wish to stab you with the pointy flourishes of your hopelessly baroque escritoire.

 

13 

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Comments

Type your comment below:
Kudzu-
"My how you do go on and on!"
You are brilliant!!! I laughed. I cried. I got some ideas.

:)
Wonderful......a tribute (I think) to our beloved
Monsieur Chariot

Hilarious, but (if you will pardon me saying) second in laughter to Monsieur!
Indeed, Gary. We are all merely satellites in Monsieur's orbit.
Brilliantly funny, Steve!
I've got one~

Poison Ivy
"Returning the favor."

hahahahahaha!!!
Aw, that was some good laughing I just did. Yessiree.
E Priddy - Yes, sometimes it's hard to know when to stop.
1 I Mom - Poison Ivy? Now, let's not get carried away!
Lisa - I live to honor M. Chariot.
Shags - For some reason, the cat under the Porsche made me think of you.
Another riot. Will this never end?

Monte
Bravo! A lovely spray of horsetail and wild blackberry canes to you for your effort!
Goosegrass: Bowing deeply, I take it unceremoniously from the rear.
Amaranthus-
My seed might be all I left you, but you will be trying to get rid of the offspring for the next 20 years