I'm a sophisticated writer, so I avoid clichés like the plague. For all intents and purposes, clichés go hand-in-hand with a lazy mind. Fortunately, most are as plain as the nose on your face and therefore easy to avoid.

When I was in school, my teachers taught me the dos and don’ts of writing. One thing I learned was to avoid clichés. Now that I’m a sophisticated writer, the very sight and sound of a cliché makes my blood boil. In fact, if I were left to my own devices, I'd read the riot act to anyone who used a cliché, not that it would do any good: My rebuke would probably fall on deaf ears. Anyway, each day I count my blessings and thank my lucky stars that I had good teachers. Because of them, writing is as easy as pie for me, though it's a tough row to hoe for others.   

This may surprise you (because it flies in the face of logic), but there are times when clichés come in handy, such as when you're creating dialogue between two unsophisticated people. Last week, I was doing my utmost to create a dialogue between two guys who were, if you’ll pardon the expression, dumb as a stump. I wanted with all my heart and soul to use a cliché, and I did my level best to come up with one, but I couldn’t for the life of me, though I racked my brain. 

Then an idea hit me like a ton of bricks: I should go to a bar and listen to unsophisticated people talking! Of course, only a crazy loon like me would leave his house on a dark and stormy night, when it was raining cats and dogs, to search for a cliché. But I was bound and determined to find one come hell or high water. 

So with my umbrella, I bolted out of the house like a bat out of hell, jumped in the car, put the pedal to the metal, and drove like a maniac to the nearest bar.

As soon as I got there, I entered the joint and walked over to a small table in the corner. My mouth was as dry as the Sahara, so I ordered a beer -- and down the hatch it went.

Then, from the corner of my eye, I caught sight of a sexy blonde at the other end of the room. (She was hotter than a firecracker on the 4th of July, but that's neither here nor there). Beside her were two men. The younger one was tall, dark, and handsome and as smart as a whip, though a bit wet behind the ears. He was making a pass at the girl. The other, a huge man, was as bald as an eagle and as fat as a pig (and, from his behavior, I'd say as mad as a hatter). I could tell he had spent his entire life smoking like a chimney because he had wrinkles, which made him look as old as the hills. Both men were drunker than a skunk and yelling at the top of their lungs. The hot blonde was calm and collected (and as smooth as butter, if you catch my drift). 

The big guy started accusing the young guy of stealing his girl. When the young guy caught wind of this, he blew his stack, and being quick on the draw, punched the fat guy’s lights out!

Watching the incident, I was as nervous as a cat in a room full of rockers. I could tell that the big guy, who was bleeding like a stuck pig, was scared out of his wits. The blonde seemed content with the turn of events, however, and grabbed the young guy by the hand. The two ran toward the door like there was no tomorrow. Before they escaped, I heard the young guy say, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.”

Hearing this, I was as happy as a clam. I had my cliché!

I went home immediately, fired up the computer, and wrote my essay. Maybe you'll appreciate it now that you know my trials and tribulations. Of course, as far as I'm concerned, you can take it or leave it; I don't give a rat's ass who appreciates my story. I just want people to be aware of the blood, sweat, and tears that went into it.

So here's today's lesson: If you're looking for a cliché, put your nose to the grindstone and leave no stone unturned. Finding a run-of-the-mill cliché is easy, but finding the right cliché is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Let's face:  If that blonde hadn't been caught between a rock and hard place (and I think you know what I'm talking about), I would never in a million years have found the cliché I so desperately needed.