First, let me apologize for being away from OS. I was on vacation in Fort Lauderdale – and what a splendid vacation it was! No electronic connections – just sun, sand, and surf! And now that I'm refreshed and back in Oklahoma City, I'm catching up on all your great posts. 

My vacation was spectacular for one reason: I met one of my favorite OSers – Cartouche.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: Cartouche is one of the most generous people I know.  No one has done more to promote OS. Though I was already aware of her brilliance and artistry, I was wholly unprepared to meet her. And if you don't believe we actually met, look here:  

  

(That's right, muthafuckas. That's me and Cartouche -- unphotoshopped!  Instead of reading your crappy posts, I had lunch with her. Who's the mutha-fucka now?)

So, what is Cartouche like, you ask.  

Well, here's a summary:  AWESOME!  She's smart as hell. (I estimate her I.Q. at 220-230.)  She knows what you're thinking before you've thought it.  She's fun, vivacious, and totally HAWT! And if you don't think we actually met, check this out:

No photoshopping here!

Anyway, after a delightful lunch, we went to the hotel and joined my mother for tea. (There's nothing a woman finds more attractive than a middle-aged man traveling with his mother.)

Half way through the tea (and to my heart-stopping astonishment), Mom revealed what had been troubling her all day. Knowing that I was going to meet an Internet friend, she was expecting the worse. Mom is pretty old and she doesn't understand the Internet. She gets her ideas from television, which does a fantastic job of scaring the crap out of old people. (See: Fox News.)

For years, she'd heard of Internet meet-ups in which someone gets maimed, killed, or worse, and she was afraid I would meet a psycho bent on ass-raping me.

Well, as you can imagine, she was relieved to meet Cartouche, who is smart, elegant, and not the least predisposed to ass-raping. Of course, Mom was surprised that a nice person like Cartouche would have lunch with someone like me. And for those of you who are similarly surprised, look here:

Now, here's the down-and-dirty on our get-together: We talked about everything from art to medicine, and at no time did I feel ass-threatened. We never even broached the subject of ass-molestation. In fact, I'm willing to bet $100, maybe $200, that Cartouche has never ass-raped anyone.

Okay, maybe I'm too cavalier about the Internet, and maybe every man needs his mother to protect him from an ass-assault, but I'm convinced that OS is a friendly place, and as long as it remains that way, I'm not going to worry about potential ass-conflicts. 

Okay, next: Are you ready to be surprised? 

Guess whom I talked to on the phone in Florida? (And don't say "your mother.")

Lea Lane and Sally Swift! 

Lea and Sally are AWESOME! They are two of the coolest people at OS! And if you don't think I talked to them, get a load of this:

Me and Lea

Me and Sally

(That's right, muthafuckas. Instead of reading your crappy posts, I was talking to Lea and Sally!) 

Anyway, as you might guess, it was hard saying goodbye to Cartouche. After a huge hug, I gazed into the sparkling aurora of her bejeweled eyes, and for a brief moment saw reflections of... ME jumping up and down giddily at having met a real, live OS woman!!! 

So here's a summary: 

• I had a wonderful time in Fort Lauderdale
• I'm back in Oklahoma City (reading your crappy posts)
• Cartouche is AWESOME!
• Lea and Sally are AMAZING!
• I was not ass-raped.

The beautiful Ft. Lauderdale beach, where I enjoyed sun, sand, surf, and absolutely no -- I repeat, no -- ass-raping. 

(Oh, and by the way, here's a picture of Cartouche and my Mom.)

Who's jealousing now, muthafuckas?