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Steve Blevins

Steve Blevins
Location
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA
Birthday
November 05
Bio
Steve Blevins teaches medicine at the University of Oklahoma. He enjoys reading, music, and travel. He is interested in American and European history, French literature and culture, and music for piano and chamber ensemble.

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NOVEMBER 16, 2009 8:30AM

My Inglorious Debut as a Sexual Predator

Rate: 110 Flag

sex  

When I joined Open Salon eight months ago, I read poetry and political commentary. Times have changed. OS is now saturated with sexual content. It's a shame. What began as a unique and intriguing online journal has turned into a prurient tabloid. The change has left me disgusted. And angry.

And horny.  

Last week, it hit me: Everyone at OS is having great sex -- except me. Well, I'm tired of being left out. Just because I'm shy and nerdy doesn't mean I should be neglected. I'm a nice person. Who knows? Maybe there's a woman out there who finds me attractive. 

In any case, I'm tired of women patting me on the head and calling me "that adorable little doctor." I want to be strong and powerful. I want to be an object of lust. I want to be ... Dr. Steve Blevins, Sexual Conquistador!

Last week I decided to make it happen. I went on the prowl. My prey: Bridget Anderson, front-desk clerk and hottest babe in the clinic. Bridget is a beautiful blond with gorgeous eyes and a perfect figure. She's not the brightest bulb in the clinic, but she's super-sexy. I called her to my office. 

"Bridget," I said, "What I'm about to say may shock you, but I'm going to come right out and say it. I've been admiring you for months -- and I think you're gorgeous. I want you to know I'm deeply attracted to you and I'd like to make love to you tonight." 

Bridget looked at me with breathtaking disinterest. She did not respond.

"Well?" I muttered.

"I'm listening," she said. "Go on." 

"Go on? That's all I have."

She seemed disappointed. "That's it?" 

"Well, yes."   

She shook her head. "Don't you have something to offer?" 

I understood the situation immediately.

"Oh, yes," I replied. "Let's see. Hmmm. Well, what if I raise your salary by a dollar an hour?"

Bridget closed her eyes and began counting on her fingers. I could tell she was struggling with the math. She then asked to borrow my calculator. I obliged. Ten minutes later, she put it away and pulled out her calendar.  Another five minutes passed. She then smiled at me with self-satisfaction.

"Okay, Dr. Blevins, I can pencil you in on March 7." 

"March 7!" I exclaimed. "That's in four months!"

She didn't like my reaction. "Dr. Blevins, this is the holiday season. Do you have any idea how busy I am? I'm sorry. March is the best I can do." 

I was incensed. "Well, forget it! Just forget it! I don't want to make love to you, now or in March!" 

Bridget remained cool. "Look," she said, "If you're that desperate, why don't you ask Tunesha? She's going through a dry spell."

I was angry. "Tunesha? Are you crazy? No way. There's no freakin' way!" 

Bridget had had enough. She stood and glared at me. "Gee, Dr. Blevins, I didn't know you were a racist."  

I was furious. "I'm not a racist!" I yelled, but she was already out the door.

I turned toward my desk and buried my head in my hands. I couldn't believe what had transpired. Racist? Me? How absurd! I had lots of black friends. There wasn't a racist bone in my body. Still, I wondered: Why had I rejected Tunesha so quickly? She was young and attractive. I had no reason to reject her. Was there a soupçon of bigotry in my subconscious? 

I thought about it all night, and the more I thought about it, the more agitated I became. Tunesha was a fine woman -- and probably good in bed. More importantly, I was not a racist, and I was determined to prove it.

The next day, I called Tunesha to my office. As soon as she entered, I predicted trouble. Her eyes were cold; her arms were crossed. I'd never seen her in such high dudgeon, but I was determined to press forward.

"Tunesha, what I'm going to say will surprise you, but I don't care. I just want you to know that I find you very attractive. You're a wonderful person, and I think you're very hot. In fact, I'd like to make love to you tonight."

Tunesha's mood changed instantly. She donned the loveliest smile. I could tell she was thrilled! She jumped out of chair and wrapped her arms around me.

"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!" she squealed. "You're not a racist! Bridget said you were, but I knew you weren't! You're wonderful, Dr. Blevins."

"Well, thanks," I said. "So, you'll make love to me?"

"No, sweetie," she replied."But you're so nice to ask." 

"What? Why?" 

"Don't get me wrong, Dr. Blevins. I think the world of you, but you're not really my type."

"And what is your type?" 

"Manly." 

"And what am I?"

"Adorable!"

I was not pleased. 

Sensing my discontent, she said, "Look, if you really need sex that bad, why don't you ask the phlebotomist?" 

"The phlebotomist? Which phlebotomist?" 

"You know, Nathan." 

"Nathan!" I yelled. "Are you crazy? I'm not gay!"

"But he is," she replied. "And who knows? You might enjoy it."

"You're freakin' crazy!" I howled. "You're totally and freakingly out of your freakin' mind! No way! There's absolutely no way!" 

Tunesha's smile disappeared. "Well, Dr. Blevins, I guess I misjudged you. I didn't know you were a homophobe." 

"Homophobe?" I yelled. "That's insane! I'm not a homophobe!"

Tunesha's patience had run out. She walked toward the door, shook her head in disappointment, and left. 

Shocked, I sat down and began thinking. What a terrible thing she had said! I wasn't a homophobe. I had lots of gay friends. How dare she accuse me of that. Still, I asked myself: Why had I rejected Nathan so quickly? He was kind and courteous, though somewhat melancholic. He seemed very lonely and he never spoke to anyone, but so what? Maybe he was an interesting person. Maybe he was fun. And why was I being so judgmental? Maybe a little gay sex was what I needed.

The following day I decided to give it a whirl. I called Nathan to my office.

"Nathan," I said, "What I'm going to say will surprise you. Don't be shocked. Just hear me out. You probably think no one notices you, but that's not true. I've noticed you, and I think you're really neat. In fact, I find you very attractive. Now, I know this will come as a surprise, but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and I'd really like to make love to you." 

Nathan stared at me blankly. I couldn't tell if my words were registering with him. 

After a few mintes, he broke the silence: "Dr. Blevins, I didn't know you were gay." 

"I'm not." 

"Okay, well, aren't you a bit, um, mature to be experimenting?" 

"I'm not experimenting." 

He seemed puzzled. "Do you have the swine flu?"   

"No, Nathan. Just answer the question, okay?"

"Well, Dr. Blevins," he stammered, "I think you're fantastic and, um, everyone likes you. In fact, you're the best doctor I've ever worked with. But, um, if it's all the same to you, I'll take a raincheck." 

"A raincheck? Why?" 

Nathan's discomfort was noticeable. "I think you're a fantastic doctor --and please don't take this the wrong way -- but, with all due respect, you're not my type, though you're a really, really great doctor."

"And what is your type?" I asked.

"Manly," he replied.

"I am manly!" 

"Well, Dr. Blevins, to be quite honest, you are super-nice, and I really don't mean this in a bad way, but you make my metrosexual brother Cliff look like Brad Pitt."

Nathan knew I was angry. Seeking to remove himself from the spotlight, he said, "Dr. Blevins, I've got an idea! Why don't you ask Shirley out! Shirley really likes you. I'm serious. She told me so. I promise."

"Shirley? Shirley who?"

"You know Shirley. Shirley in the gift shop." 

I felt the blood pooling in my face. 

"Shirley!" I yelled. "Shirley has Down's Syndrome!"

"She's a high-functioning Down's," he corrected.

I was seething with rage -- and Nathan knew it. 

"I'm sorry, Dr. Blevins. I didn't mean to upset you. I didn't know you had a problem with the mentally challenged."

That was the last straw. 

I jumped out of my chair, grabbed Nathan by the collar, and roared: "Listen, Nathan, and listen good. I don't have a problem with the mentally challenged. In fact, I LOVE the mentally challenged. And guess what? I also LOVE the gays. And guess what else? I LOVE the blacks. But you know what? I DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERY GODDAM ONE OF THEM!"

Exasperated, I put on my jacket and prepared to leave, but Nathan wouldn't let me go in such a mood.  

"Dr. Blevins, this may sound, um, crazy, but have you ever thought of, maybe, going home and making love to your wife?"

An arctic air entered the room.

Nathan had mentioned the unmentionable -- and I was loathe to admit my vulnerability. A flood of emotion entered my heart. I bowed my head in embarrassment. I was torn: I didn't want to discuss this, but I did want to unburden myself. Finally I gave in.

"Nathan," I confessed, "Susan has lost interest in me. She doesn't care about me any more. I love her very much, but she doesn't feel the same way. I don't know what to do."

Nathan looked confident for the first time.

"Dr. Blevins, I don't mean to pry, but do you ever bring flowers to your wife, or read poetry to her, or play the piano for her, or massage her feet?" 

The question stung. Sheepishly I replied, "No, Nathan. I don't."

"Well, maybe you should," he argued. His face was now expressive. He looked dead-serious.  

"Thanks, Nathan. I appreciate the suggestion. But if I did those things, Susan would have me committed."

"Well, Dr. Blevins, with all due respect, I think you've crossed that line already." 

I paused for a moment and reflected on his advice. And the more I reflected on it, the more brilliant it seemed. 

"You know, Nathan, maybe you're right. Maybe I should pay more attention to Susan. I tell you what. I'll give it a try -- just for you."   

"That's the spirit, Dr. Blevins! I'm proud of you."

I looked at Nathan. His concern for my marriage was real. He truly wanted to help me. This inconspicuous phlebotomist was, in fact, an engaging and empathetic young man.   

"Nathan," I said. "I'm really impressed with you. You are wise beyond your years. How do you know so much about women?"

"Oh, I'm gay," he replied.

I smiled and thanked him for his counsel. I then walked him to his car and bade him farewell.

Driving home that evening, I felt invigorated. I thought about Susan. I loved her very much and I was determined to rebuild our marriage. At each stoplight, I dreamed of what we could achieve with a little work and lots of love. And I hoped that Nathan would one day experience a dream as uplifting and inspired.

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Comments

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Oh, Steve Blevins... Is the next chapter like Lars and the Real Girl?
Are you sure you don't have the swine flu? I think I do now...

HA!
Ah, Steve, you're so adorable. *pats head*
Adorable. If by adorable you mean me with coffee spit all over my shirt.
I'm glad no one in your office has a seeing-eye dog.

(thumbified for persistence)
Rated. Without comment.
Frank stole my comment. I just spit tea all over my keyboard and scared the cat. Please, please PLEASE tell me you're going to publish this as a short story somewhere. Freaking brilliant.
Hey, I'm snorkling, which is snorting and chuckling at the same time, and has nothing whatever to do with breathing underwater.

Oh, okay, I'm doing that too; I only admit that because you're so adorable.
Wonder what your boss will think of your blog now.

Not to mention the rest of the office.

Rated for inspirational (or something).
I just read fingerlakeswanderer's post on the new drug to increase female libido--then I come here and read this. I'm now trying to decide if these tears on my face are from laughter or--something else.....(thinking)......yeah, I'm crying because I've been laughing so hard. This is really good, Dr. Steve! Really good. And a good lesson for all. Sometimes what we need the most is right here beside us (except for us old ones who live alone--with a cat--in a wheelchair. No, I mean I'm in a chair, not the cat. Though she does nap a lot in my power chair when I'm not in it. Uh, well, anyway.......) Great to read on a Monday morning. Thanks! Rated. D
You are too clever to be out trolling for a date...but in doing so you are leaving many satisfied smiles in your wake.

R for excellence in making a point...with humor no less!
Hilarious, thanks you for the laugh this morning. r
Maybe you and Susan need to go to Fort Lauderdale so you can both get a good ass raping.
I have decided to pick myself up off the floor, stop laughing, and say sincerely that I hope Susan understands how much you've lowered your expectations for her. (I think that came out wrong.)
::sigh::

I need a gay in my life. Good advice is like a magic power to them or something.
At least there hasn't been a lawsuit, unless, of course making us laugh and then sigh is against the law. Adorable isn't so bad, is it?
Doc... being adorable IS a curse ~pat on the back~
Few minds here on OS are quite as twisted as yours, and that is
a compliment sir...
You should have tried for a foursome: You, Nathan, Tunesha, and Bridget. Now that would be a sexual conquest.
Can't think of anything clever to say, so I'll go straightforward: This is sooooo funny!
Well, you know what they say: gay phlebotomists do it with their pricks...

Okay, that was awful.
You writing reminds me of early Woody Allen humorous essays. Adorable, funny, smart and may I say, manly in a Blevins kind of way.
Just too funny. Another awesome post.
"Dr. Blevins, this may sound, um, crazy, but have you ever thought of, maybe, going home and making love to your wife?" Bwahaha!

You gotta be the funniest Doctor anywhere, ever. Don't forget to get your wife that new vacuum cleaner for Christmas. They love that. Or so I hear. You can tell I'm single, can't you? I thought so.
retardophobia...ha ha ha...
I love that you're sooo UN-p.c.
Nice funny story.
I'm glad it ended before it engaged in Species Drift.
You know, now Dr. Blevins instead of Mr. Blevins, if I had been drinking coffee whilst reading this, it would been all over my study desk.

Absolutely funny! Never laughed this hard so early in the morning!!

Are you sure you're not related to Tink??
no one could get away with this but you. never ever.

and it's uber adorable, doc. [pinching your cheek] [the one on your face]
Inglorious, indeed!
Maybe you should have been a gynecologist, Steve. Is it too late?
R
Steve, you know I've always found you adorable. And just think - it's better than repugnant.
I knew I wouldn't be disappointed after reading your post! You ALWAYS put a smile in my heart! I bet your patients adore you! You're the best!
the libido can be a confusing thing; this story isn't. It's freakin' hilarious. ~R~
You are adorable indeed... but I think I'm going to avoid patting you on the head... you're a little too creepy to touch.
I didn't want it to be over - I could have read a whole book of this.

Have you tried facial hair? Maybe a Tom Selleck kind of mustache or a Patrick Dempsey scruffy thing?
Well, you know what they say about adorable guys...
theres sex all over OS?
this not having sex blog is the most sex i've seen since i got here.
i must be reading the wrong blogs.

excellent writing.
Just for the record, I have ALWAYS thought of you as Dr. Steve Blevins, Sexual Conquistador.

Fucking hilarious as always. Everybody at work wants to know WTF I'm laughing at!
Uh, wow. Do your patients know how twisted you really are? Freakin' hilarious, Doc :)

BTW, you're NOT an OB/GYN are you? Just curious...
Hah! Great Stuff! Best thing I've read all day. (it wouldn't have hurt you to ask the girl with Downs Syndrome, what, are you prejudice?)
R~~
Did anyone say adorable yet?
You don't know what you're missing - Shirley is a terrific shag.
This is the first post I've read on this site. You sir, have now set the bar very high for everyone else.

You've also left me with a little hope of finding some intelligence in the cyber world.
I am deeply offended by this. But only because I don't work in your office.
Excellent Blevinating, as usual.
Rated, you sexy man-beast!
but did you massage her feet when you got home?
You are unique unto yourself! Just hilarious and such a different comedic piece. Rated for bravery in putting your real name up with that title
Stevie, you can Con-quista-my-door any time. Walk-ins welcome, no waiting!
OMG, this story is just so CUTE...er...I mean, um...MANLY. It's a *manly* story.

You are truly adorab...I mean, um...MACHO, Steve Blevins. You are a macho man if there ever was one. And this is one of the funniest posts I've read on OS yet! Absolutely brilliant.
Well, hell, dude, I think nerdy, especially funny and smart, is sexy. I'd have done ya if you'd stayed in FL and waited for me. Or are you also AGEIST???
You're a brilliant manly man, Dr Blevins.
How do you expect a girl to throw herself at you if you post about how much you love your wife? Sheesh.
Well played. But left hanging.

As it were.
i think you are very manly for putting this up here and that Nathan missed out on some good manlove hugs and kisses :)
Damn it. This is what I get for taking a vacation day and sleeping in on Monday. I'm a day late; O'Really? jumps on the ass-raping comment I wanted to make; and she says it funnier. [mumbling to self as I walk to the door, "What's left to say? Some disjointed connection about phlebotomists, leeches and balancing humours. fraking, razzin, ...."
A great piece of comedic writing. I enjoyed every word of it and the visuals running through my head...I laughed out loud throughout it. Poor Steve! Just looking for love in all the wrong places. Looking forward to Part II...there is a Part II isn't there?
Creepy is the new sexy!
Doc,

I don't exactly know how to tell you this so I'll just come out and say it. You're suffering from acute DSB. That's Deadly Sperm Buildup to someone non-technical like yourself. Swine flu gets all the headlines right now but this is the scourge of humanity!

We may have caught it in time before it progresses to LDS (Limp Dick Syndrome). With aggressive treatment you'll be good as new. In other words, I wouldn't be so picky if I were as "adorable" as you.

Too bad Helen Keller is dead....

P.S. I saw an online ad detailing a Run for the DSB Cure to be held in Oklahoma City next weekend. You should suit up and participate. Who knows? In a tank top and short shorts you could get lucky.
syntax.......check
grammer........check
cute story, maybe even true....check

this is from that cary grant movie i saw at 2 a.m the other night....updated

i like it.........
Okay, Dr. Blevins...I'm tired of this nonsense. Ladies...he's single!!! Seriously....meet a real man, for once. Any dude, who has this sense of humour...he's gonna be okay in the sack. xox
Adorable. And I'm gay!
newbie here. you set the bar pretty high. thanks for the laughs though.
Oh, what a CUTE, ADORABLE little post you have!
Steve, you are simply the best. And the fact that you can spell is a real turn-on. Very, very funny and beautifully conceived and constructed. Love your artistry.
Filth. Absolute filth. There. Somebody had to say it. (Of course this is not what I think. But now that it has been spoken and stitched into the comments, not to worry. Wonderful post. You've hit the bigtime, kid.)
(Susan on phone talking to her friend Margie...)

Susan: Oh, here comes Steve now with a big bunch of flowers. I guess this means another night on my back with my legs spread...

Margie: Why? Don't you have a vase?
Ohhhh Dr Blevins. Poor Mrs. Dr. Blevins :)
I think you crossed the line when you included the phelbotomist.
OMG, you are hilarious, maybe not manly, but quite hilarious.
Can't believe I almost missed this -- but it totally made my day! Freakin' hilarious. I do love how your mind works.
Mr. Blevins, I would be most honored to get your take on my latest medical blog. Thank you in advance for your time.
Dr Blevins, you are great! Fantastic, hilarius, funny, funny post, you manly, adorable Mr. Blevins, LOL!
Super rated.
Okay, I was a little apprehensive given your title...kinda creepy. But you are absolutely brilliant! This is the best thing I've read all day.
Rated for manliness.
Crazy funny. SNL sketch kind of funny.
Doesn't Susan likes manly man too?
ooh...maybe you um just need practice?
You're a many-splendored writer, Dr. Blevins.

This is like a "3 guys walk into a bar" joke with feeling and actually funniness.

Who are you?
You got something against canines?
I have a friend and we have an agreement that we will not under any circumstances say something funny to the other while they have food or liquid of some sort in their mouth. Well...that said, you could not have known about the coffee that had just passed over my lips while reading your blog but suffice it to say..I WILL NEVER DRINK AND READ YOUR BLOGS AGAIN!!! Very funny.
Maybe it is time to be Dr. No.
Reading this was like an extended joke AND a cliffhanger. rated
To Steve, the Manliest failed sexual preditor I know......
G
Sorry, but I think Susan is cleaning tiles with the yard man...Next chapter?
Great. Why, Ya not thee only one having no great sex.
I followed Non-e the Intern because she rated You- Y?
Most of us boogers get not even any bad sex. celibacy?
I wake up. Prey. I Hopes a piece apple pie is in ice box!
I love homemade butternut pumpkin pie everyday huh.
Rarely have I seen such a virtuosic flirting with near-heretical non-PC-ness. Rarely have I laughed harder. You're a funny guy Dr.Blevins; if only you were more my type, more manly in that beefy Turkish prison guard way.
Hey, adorable ain't so bad, and neither is your writing. Good one, and thanks for sharing with us. :-)
But I do love you, they all told me. As a friend.

Kind of like being adorable.
I just saw this (I'm catching up after a long OS absence). Very, very funny. Why wasn't this an Editor's Pick? (I swear to God, I just typed Prick.)
Hey doc. Damned good writing for an adorable!!!