On March 3, 2010 -- a day that will live in infamy -- Shaggylocks issued an Open Call, asking each of us to conduct and publish an interview with another OSer. The result was astonishing. Not since the presidency of Calvin Coolidge has a request been greeted with such indifference. The ensuing "epidemic of apathy" was so powerful that the Shaggy/Wonderhorse/Blevins trialogue -- a veritable smorgasbord of insight and erudition -- was largely ignored.
This trialogue, described by Sheldon as "the best thing since Nixon-Frost" (and by 1 Irritated Mother as "a piece of crap clogging the feed") has already made its debut in journalism schools throughout the country. Parts I and II appear here and here.
Today's post, which concludes the trialogue, offers the reader an opportunity to win a free naked Freaky Troll doll -- the very doll used in my post, "Top 10 Ways to Die." Be the first to solve the puzzle below -- and you're the winner! Here are the rules:
1. The game is called "Two Truths and a Lie." Shaggy, Sheldon, and I have each submitted three statements, two of which are true and one of which is false. You must correctly identify the false statements.
2. List the three "lies" in the "comments" below.
3. The first person to correctly list all three "lies" wins the naked doll. (One submission per person, please.)
3. I will update this post next week, announcing the winner. (I will also inform the winner by personal message.) Analysis by Shaggy, Sheldon, and me will be included in the update.
4. The doll will be mailed the following week. (Its authenticity and nakedness are guaranteed.)
6. Use of the doll to satisfy a paraphilia may be prohibited by law. Check your state's statutes.
7. I apologize for being away from OS for a month. I'm immersed in a huge medical school project. I really miss OS. I'll be back in July, if not sooner. The only reason I'm here now is Shaggy. He's very temperamental. Whatever you do, don't write anything that might upset him, like "this post is annoying," or "I wouldn't play this stupid game if my life depended on it," or "Blevins is the most handsome of the three trialogue participants." And don't let Shaggy know I told you about his fragile emotional state. (Thanks.)
8. If no one leaves a comment (which is what I'm betting on), Shaggy, Sheldon, and I will dismember the doll and ... well... I'll leave the rest to your imagination.
Okay, here are the submissions:
1. I once hitchhiked from Virginia to San Diego in six days.
2. While hiking alone in New Mexico, I once saw a mountain lion take down a deer about twenty feet in front of me.
3. I once caught an opposing team home run at Fenway Park, and although it was incredibly exciting and it killed me a little bit inside to do so, I dutifully threw it back out onto the field.
1. I once danced in a cage while extremely drunk.
2. I once saw June Carter Cash dressed in nothing but a bathrobe.
3. I once did a play with Sandra Bullock before she did SPEED, and got to feel her up.
1. I greatly admire Barack Obama.
2. I am attracted to Asian people.
3. I think Barry Manilow sucks.
Congratulations to Trilogy for being the first to answer correctly: (#3, #3, #3). (I'm amazed at how many of you guessed right. Kinda spooky, really.) Here's a detailed analysis by our panel.
I did hitchhike to San Diego, and although I budgeted 2 weeks for the trip, it only took 6 days. I only had one sketchy-ish ride; everyone else was sweet and kindhearted. They all warned me that hitchhiking was extremely dangerous, that chainsaw wielding maniacs were everywhere, and then dropped me off somewhere safe and well-lit and gave me $20. I started the trip with no money and arrived at my destination in record time with over $100.
I'm also the rocket scientist who thought it would be a good idea to hike alone in the Sangre de Cristo mountains on a trail through a canyon named (I kid you not) Mountain Lion Canyon. I just thought it was just a clever name. After about an hour and a half of hiking I turned a corner and stopped when I saw a deer with two fawns on the trail about six or seven yards ahead of me. I didn't want to spook them, so I crouched down on the trail, intending to let them move on at their own pace. I wasn't in a hurry.
I glanced down at the ground for a second, and in that second I heard what sounding like a woman shrieking. I looked up, and one of the fawns was charging down the trail DIRECTLY AT ME. I didn't see the lion right away, but I knew that whatever this baby deer was running away from must have been scarier than me, and human are pretty damn scary to baby deer. The fawn veered off the trail before reaching me, and that's when I saw that the momma deer had been taken down by a FRICKIN' MOUNTAIN LION. I quickly grabbed the largest stick I could and quickly walked away backwards for about a quarter of a mile. Coincidentally, this was also the day I found my first gray hair.
I've never caught a home run at a baseball game, but every time I'm sitting in home run territory I worry that I might catch an opposing team homer and be forced by tradition to toss it back onto the field. The chances of actually catching a ball at a game are minuscule, but every time I have tickets to sit in the bleachers I bring a ball with me to the park, just in case. This way, if I DO happen to catch a dinger, I can keep the home run ball and throw this symbolic surrogate ball out onto the field in its place. When you think about it, this is like bringing condoms with you on your trip to Mexico because you're concerned you might run into Salma Hayek and she might try to jump your bones. I realize it's kinda extreme, but I'm a Boy Scout, and we're contractually obligated to be prepared.
Sheldon The Wonderhorse:
1. True. Yes, I once danced in a cage while drunk. I was visiting Chicago for one of the first times, and a group of us ended up at a now-defunct club, and I managed to wrangle a way into a cage and danced with a friend of mine. That may be why said club is defunct.
2. True. Yes, I did once see June Carter Cash in nothing but a bathrobe. I was working at a hotel, and I took their dry cleaning to them, and she answered the door in her robe and asked me if I would help her hang up all the laundry. Obviously I said, "Hell yes", and spent about 10 minutes with her and Johnny - both were amazingly delightful people. That's right - I shook hands with the Man in Black. Suck on That.
3. False. As much as I would like to, I have yet to feel up Sandra Bullock. Now that she's won an Oscar, the odds of doing crappy obscure theatre in Colorado are dwindling. I guess I'll just have to go back to fondling F. Murray Abraham.
1. True. I love Obama. I think he's very intelligent, very articulate, honest, and fair, and I think he's trying to make the best of a bad situation. Sure, I'd like to see a public option, and I wish we'd leave Afghanistan, but I admire Obama nonetheless.
2. True. I am attracted to Asian people. My best friends are Asian. I am, indeed, trans-racial: a Chinese guy trapped in a white body. Usually, I am reluctant to admit this, but since no one is reading this, I think we're okay.
3. False. Barry Manilow does NOT suck (though I will deny it in a courtroom).
Thanks, everyone, for playing!