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Steve Blevins

Steve Blevins
Location
Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA
Birthday
November 05
Bio
Steve Blevins teaches medicine at the University of Oklahoma. He enjoys reading, music, and travel. He is interested in American and European history, French literature and culture, and music for piano and chamber ensemble.

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JUNE 21, 2010 8:00AM

I've Decided to Worship Satan

Rate: 117 Flag

Last month, after six grueling months of work, I decided to go on vacation. I went to New Haven, Connecticut, for my 25th college reunion, and then to Manhattan for a week of fun. The trip was wonderful!

  New Haven 

New Haven, Connecticut 

 Central Park

Central Park, Manhattan

The skies were clear, the air was warm, the trees were full and green. Nature was in full glory.  

Then I returned to Oklahoma. 

OK
 

The grass was brown and the air was suffocatingly hot. And this was just the beginning!  Within a week, the tornadoes arrived. 

 

Farms were destroyed and houses were demolished. The following week brought hail, which damaged countless cars and homes.

Then came torrential rains, which flooded the city, submerging highways and power lines. 

I began to think about my lovely vacation in the Northeast and my incom-modious return to Oklahoma. I wondered why Oklahoma has the worst weather in America. Then I reflected on Hurricane Katrina and the Deepwater Horizon spill. 

Oil 

Soon I was contemplating the planet and, ultimately, the universe. 

universe 

Final analysis: I've lived in the South for most of my life. People here are super-nice. They care about each other and live quiet, productive lives. They go to church and pray regularly; yet, they always find themselves at the center of a disaster. In fact, the disaster-per-capita ratio is higher in the South than anywhere else. Sure, New York and California have their problems, but they're not in constant climatic turmoil. Where I live, crisis is the norm, and prayer seems to make things worse. In fact, studies show an inverse cor-relation between prayer and good weather. 

Which leads me to conclude: Satan is in charge of the world. I hate to admit it, but that's what the data show. Now ask yourself: Can we ignore the Evil One?  

I think not. So let me cut to the chase: I've decided to worship Satan.

Please understand: I'm not going to worship Satan instead of God. I'm going to worship Satan and God.

You see, I love God. I've been worshipping God since childhood. He is the Author of goodness, love, and compassion  -- and nothing is more important than goodness, love, and compassion. So please don't think I'm being churlish when I say that I wish God were just a teensy bit more results-oriented. I know His Heart is in the right place -- and that's great. But I think we could all benefit from an action plan from time to time.  

Satan, of course, is Pure Evil. I despise His whole agenda. But let's face it: He gets the job done. In fact, he's an over-achiever. Consider the weather in Oklahoma. Just a few inches of rain would have flooded the city. Satan gave us eleven inches. Golf ball-size hail would have damaged the roof. He gave us baseball-size hail. A single tornado would have frightened us. He gave us fourteen in a single day! Frankly, if I had half of Satan's "can do" attitude, I could retire tomorrow.

Next question: Do we really have to choose between God and Satan?

Short answer: No. 

Americans feel compelled to take sides in every argument. In baseball, we root for one team or the other, never both. It's the same with the deities. We think we have to choose God or Satan when, in fact, both have something to offer.

I know what you're going to say: "Steve, deities tend to be jealous of each other, so what if Satan asks you to renounce God, or vice versa?" 

Well, okay, you've got me. No doubt, if that happens, I'll be in a pickle. But here's what I suspect: If push comes to shove, I'll probably stay with God. You see, goodness, love, and compassion are very important, especially in bad weather.

But remember, I said probably. If I have to replace one more damaged shingle or broken window, I'm tearing up the Celestial Contract. Sure, I believe in love and compassion, but just once I'd like to be on the winning side.   

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Welcome back, Dr. Steve! As for the state of the world these days: Satan 3, God 0.
"iamsurly" is not going to appreciate you referring to her as "he" so many times ... better put on a life jacket and get in the storm shelter, love.
Sir Blevins, welcome home. Interestingly, I too thought that Evil reigns, after the Gulf disaster. I truly think we're done, that "they've" won and there is no turning back. So you might be on to something.

As for the Northeast, it's not all wine and roses here, I can assure you!

(Were those really your "hailballs"? That's INSANE!)
Isn't this how the hindu folk, as we call them in the South, come to worship so many gods at once? A confrontation with an angry elephant, word gets around, and there you are. While I support your logic and empathize, living in hurricane alley, I admonish you to hold fast at two. Each God you add, like wives, the more you have to praise and pray.

Glad you are back! So am I...
Doctor Steve!!!

If we have Satan to thank for lighting the bulb in your evil little mind that said (evilly) "What is that 'writers site' that I used to frequent?" Hmmm, I must do a post today." then I'm on board.

Hail Satan!
"The disaster per capita ratio" also applies to my love life. And I live in the south. Coincidence...? SO good to see you back! xoxo
So you've decided to turn Republican.

For God's reply to this, though, read Malachi 3:6-18.
Welcome back, Steve.

A compelling argument; you make some good points. When negotiating, it's never a bad idea to play one side off the other. God, you're offering love and goodness, but look at how busy Satan is keeping himself on the map. And vice versa. You play your cards right and you might wind up with some pretty sweet accommodations in the afterlife. Remember, the customer is always right.
oh it's so good to see you Dr. Steve.

well, I think you make excellent points. But I wouldn't go the Whole Hog Satan Route because from what I can see that doesn't work either. He seems to have complete contempt for those who choose him, preferring instead those who straddle the line and play both sides of the fence. I think that's the secret to evil...never making a commitment one way or the other...floating along, as those plump locust do, wherever the wind blows.

I think you have found your winning strategy! Prepare for the bounty that is sure to follow!
Welcome back! Go with the devil. I'm sure you're pretty good with a pitch fork anyway!
And I thought we Minnesotans had it bad.
Damn, my computer just froze.
If you have a roof over your head during this economy, I suppose you are on the winning side :)
r~
Hello Steve, well I guess it is only fair to the one above and the one below...
Glad to see you again!
Just to be safe, don't get any tattoos which imply loyalty to either team . . .
Satan makes me think of Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, "I will not be IGNORED!" Maybe sending him a box of chocolates and a nice note might not be a bad idea.

But then again it seems to me that religion usually is the result of bad weather. If only we pray right then the tornadoes won't wipe out our trailer this year.
First, I am glad to see you back!!!!

Second, I am glad I don't have to tell you that, face to face, but can write you, instead.

Because, third, for at least the next 72 hours, I would not like to be standing next to you ... or anywhere near you ... for fear of the lightning that is certain to strike you, caused by either deity.

In the words of Mel Brooks: In the good books of Mathew, Mark, Luke and DUCK!

Stay healthy ... and stick around ... we need your serious input here. {{{R}}}
I married a girl from Oklahoma.

Whenever she would strain the bounds of credulity and talk up the charms of her state, I would ask: "Do you really think the U.S. government gave the Indians the part of the country they thought was the best?"

Exactly.
I can promise you, I did not think you were being churlish....especially after I looked it up in the dictionary. ;-)

I don't care which deity you chose, or yes, both - I'm just glad to see you back to this home - only a few tornadoes here.

Missed you!
This is the way to re-enter - brilliantly funny, as always. I have missed your skewed humor.

Welcome back, Steve.
Not a bad plan for the Earthly existence, but I hear the retirement package sucks.
What a way to start my day! Welcome back, Steve!
Welcome into the fold, Steve - bwahahaha.

I mean return-to-OS, of course.
Wow, you're back - you were missed ! I think Satan has been working overtime to challenge your faith in God, but so far he isn't winning regardles of all the trick up his sleeve. You know, you can attract more bees with honey than with vinegar. . . So I say, God 2 Satan 0 and Steve an EP ! ~R~
This proves God as sense of humor...or Satan does.
I would say...Just MOVE...LOL!
This is an excellent example of nuance to important to critical thinking. Or it's a lesson in the art of compromise. Wait, perhaps it's the supreme example of Pascal's Wager, wherein you hedge your bets so that you're covered at the end of life.

Hmm, or maybe it's just having your cake and eating it too? I've got to ask Freaky...

(beyond thrilled you're back)
Glad you're back! I really enjoyed reading this because even though it was in your normal humorous style, I found quite a bit of wisdom tucked in between the thoughts.
"Please understand: I'm not going to worship Satan instead of God. I'm going to worship Him along with God." This quote of yours got me thinking about how even though we worship God, we cannot ignore the Devil. If we do, we unwittingly give him some control and power. Ignorance is bliss except when it comes to the Devil. We must respect his power while we're trying to purge it from our lives.
I've always wanted to see a pro athlete thank his dark lord when winning a championship. Nice to see there's a doctor with a line to the dark side, too.
Welcome home. Enjoyed this Dr. Blevins. For a moment I truly thought we had you on our team, the Dark Side.
Hah! Steve - so glad to know you are back where you belong - in Oklahoma AND OS. As for the God/Satan dilemna - you resolved it the same way I resolved my OU/OSU dilemna Sometimes the only way to survive is to be a house divided.
Steve, I could not hope to muster an answer that will make us feel better about the human condition of living in a fallen world. But suffice it to say that God rains on the evil and the good. He can and does control Satan, but in the endtimes he loosens his grip and all hell breaks loose. In the past year, shocking disasters have awakened in us pity for those devastated by earthquakes and tsunamis.

Dylan Thomas says, "This world is half the devil's and my own."
"This is the world, have faith." Even without Satanic forces, we are only intermittently good.

Catherine Gritths
So nice to see you again Steve! And yes, sounds like perfect logic to me. You might as well add Thor in there too, isn't he the god of thunder and lightning?
Has it ever occurred to you, it's just the South! Not about God or Satan. We just happen to live in a bleeped up place!
Welcome back!
I've recently come to very similar conclusions. Sadly, God is dull and tends to support hypocrites and fools and personally, I love bad weather. It's just so much more interesting. Besides, God gives you pie in the sky. Satan gives you pie on the ground. Needless to say, it's much better to step in pie than to get it in the face. Also, God shows you beautiful women, Satan actually gives them to you. Can't beat that.
Thanks so much for swinging by my site today.

This piece had me wondering for a bit, laughing out loud here and there. Then I got to the baseball metaphor and crack zam outa the park, that's it ! I can't follow one team over another no matter how often I have tried. So I just watch a game once in awhile and hoot and holler for both sides and whichever millionaire makes it all the way around the bases. I can now apply the same to my spiritual life and will have eternity to remember your wise words. I'll dress light.
Welcome back, dear man. We always can use your heart and talent. And you connect us better than anyone.
About the South being a disaster magnet, now that you mention it...And we're always getting the stink eye from Falwwell and Swaggart and all those pompous pricks who say we deserve it for one peccadillo or another. Still, I love it here below the Mason-Dixon. Sure is hot enough these days to please the devil.

I understand a welcome back is due. Your return post is fab.
So great to see you back. Should I thank Satan for this?
This is Satan's Southern Strategy, put into motion shortly after the Dark Prince gained power in 2001. It appeals to those who admire his ability to make the trains run off the rails on time.
He even has his own cable network.
You might want to check that out.
Yipee! I accept your entire thesis, and support it whole heartedly. Oh how I have missed you, Blevinator.
Uh, you forgot the heat and humidity that's usually reserved for August starting in May last year and the blizzards and...and now the drought that's coming. Whoever it is - I call thee BASTARD! If I have to sit in Paul's stinky-ass closet or hear another local say, "I haven't seen this in 30 years" one more time, I'm gonna have to unleash some wrath of my own.

On second thought, were you out of town while we had "normal" weather? Perhaps some more trips are in order.

(Irritated and I are coming to kidnap you, btw. See you soon!)
The acient people had the right idea....they had a whole group of Gods to worship...on for every occasion. LOL..maybe we should give that some thought. Of course you don't have to worship the devil but haven't you ever heard that old saying: "You have to give the devil his due." Well those of us raised in Texas and Oklahoma know that Satan is in charge of the weather and we dang sure better give him a tip of the hat cause that ole boy is definitly an over-achiever.
Steve, did you ever consider that it might just be you? They didn't have any problems with floods, hail or tornadoes until you returned.

(Pssst. Don't worry. I wont tell anybody that you were in New Orleans back in August, 2005 or when to visit Iceland, started a freak volcanic eruption, then went fishing in the Gulf of Mexico in April... Mums the word. Just stay the hell out of Iowa, K?)
Didn't Dubya go to college in New Haven?


{[R]}
Great post and pictures. I can see why people missed you! Im in the land of perfect weather here. Southern California. But the people are all NUTS! sigh Can't win.....
Stevie! This is terrific. :)
Satan or Santa? Both bring the dangerous gifts of knowledge through play, knowledge that would shame many of the older gods of religion compared to today's valueless, vacuous gods of possession and ownership. And play without fairness or care is thoughtless, carelesss and cruel.

What are our true values of merit? Faith, hope and charity? Or. fame, fortune and greed? Be careful with your choices, they can be easily mistaken and highjacked by the uninportance or truth of any matter.
Faith can be misplaced or false, and hope can be cruel in the face of futility while charity that isn't universal, or universally accepted, has no meaning or purpose...
So good to see you back! You've been missed and this post is a good example of why. This is hysterical (despite its level of truthfulness) and any rational person would begin to wonder about the whole God/Satan thing. For some extra support, you might enjoy the comedian, Jim Jeffries, and his hysterical piece on the advantages of believing in Satan: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZJ-_OTvsqo. Glad you're back in all your EP glory. Highly rated.
Welcome back, Dr. Steve! We are sure-as-hell glad to see you!
Yay! So glad to see you here.
You make some interesting and humorous points! I really enjoyed this!
You're back (as has been noted), nice to see it's with a bang, not a whimper. One of my favorite phrases will now have a whole new meaning... "Take me now, Satan!" heh
Great! And welcome back.
Who cares about g_d or the devil...
Steve's back! Steve's back! Steve's back!
Well little Stevie Wonder come to Chicago and yet another one of my bad bad hair days due to rain rain and more rain and you'll worship a beautician who knows how to weild a blow dryer.
I like the way you think: playing both sides.
In these times, I pray to all the gods.
What a following! Hi Steve Blevins. I'm relatively new here but I'll catch up on the reading.
If weather is the issue, Thor might get you better results with fewer side effects.

Welcome Back!
Yea, Dr. Blevins is back. Now, the moral of the story really is, that if you had stayed right here (on OS) where you belong, there would be no tornados, no dust ups, no...oh wait a minute....sorry....
But its great to have you back.
Very clever! I cannot say Welcome Back, because I didn't know you before, but I do now. Thanks for a great post. I will be following you.
R-
what a way to come back to OS! glad you had a good vacation. sorry your return home sucked with all the weather and disasters. i think you're on to something with this dual worship thing. you know, you could always come out here to california...as long as you leave the oklahoma weather behind.
I knew you'd come around. Now, kneel before my forked tail and feast on my can of wrath and beans.
LMAO! You KNOW freaky is gonna be all this one! :) Welcome back!

-R-
I thought Nick Satan was a football coach or something. He does weather too? Awesome. Good to see you.
STEVE!!!!
All I can say is I'm glad NE weather doesn't suck quite as bad as OK weather...
Now I know why some of my relatives avoided settling down here, the extremes can get wearisome.
We have finally obtained a storm shelter/safe room and I sleep much better at night, knowing it is there.

Glad to see you!!
ah my steve blevins fix ...!
Steve! Is it true? You're back? I'm so glad to hear from you. I wondered how you were faring in Oklahoma's latest bit of nasty weather. Thanks for convincing me to never, ever complain about our weather here. Hopefully, you've seen the last of your wicked weather for a long, long time.
glad u enjoyed the "apple." sometimes I wish I could live someplace else, but I get bored too easily. i personally think satan lives in the toilet at the 7/11 just off route 80 near Danville, Pa.
I'm so glad you're back!!

But I think you need to talk to Pat Robertson to sort out this weather thing. He has a different idea about how it works, and he, well, seems to outrank you in the knowing God and Satan department. Or at least he thinks he does.
I'm right behind you brother. Having just moved from Hawaii to Colorado: I am mud-spattered, hot/cold and this is the good season.
bwwwhhhhhahahah! so glad to see you
"Satan is in charge of the world."

Is there some fancy literary term for when a writer says something in jest that's actually true? Or perhaps you weren't jesting. :-> Deep thoughts Steve, deep.
It's great to see a post from you Doc! This place isn't the same when you aren't around, mainly 'cause I don't laugh as much. And if Oklahom weather sucks it's just as bad in Kansas; we usually end up with your tornadoes and hail storms a couple hours after you get 'em.
Elvis the King famously wore a gold cross and star of David. When he asked, he often joked that he was "playing it safe."
Hilarious, awesome, and really who can argue the logic? The Greeks had it right. Cover all of your bases. r
Personally I worship Buddy Holly and Chet Atkins. They're more "real" to me than God.
...although I hear Satan does play a mean Les Paul.
Just to play devil's (I mean satan's) advocate here, is it possible you might be worshiping the wrong God?

I mean -- maybe God is angry at you because you think you are worshiping Him but you really aren't, and He's sending down tornadoes and floods and hail to make this point.

Church attendance and hours praying don't necessarily mean ... well, maybe I should stop there. I don't want any of those tornadoes heading out to California. Here our seasons are often described as being "Mud Slides, Earthquakes, Forest Fires and Riots."
Hey, with Satan, you get a toaster.
the god side is for chumps. come on over to the dark lord, and wallow in sin and corruption. after you've wallowed awhile, you can run for public office.
We hope you are back to stay!
Ceiling cat and basement cat, we needs to stay on their good sides too!

~fatRocco and stillferalRusty
Funniest thing I've read for ages.
Sorry to double dip - but with OpenSalon, you get re-writes to your headline which diminishes the original. (imho, lol)
Steve I still firmly believe there are some snowballs that really do have a chance........
I'm relatively new here on OS, but I loved your post, and if your popularity is any indication, I'd say your theoretical pact the The Dark Side is paying off! I look forward to reading more!
You're back, and you're already making me laugh. The big guy downstairs with the horns has to be twice as effective as God to be thought of as equal. Fortunately, he's quite able to perform at a consistently above-average level.

Rated, and glad you're back!
I had to rub my bleary eyes when I saw your name in the feed. What great news! And what a great humorous post. Well, humorous unless you live in Arkansas.
Missed you! I seem to remember reading about the reward for believe coming after you umm, well, died. You might want to hold that thought :)
When you make a comeback, YOU make a comeback. Welcome home!
I think you're on to something Steve. Yet, you could always adopt the Hindi diety, Shiva Nataraj honouring creator and destroyer, if you want to, you know, get the biggest bang on both fronts.
Cheers
So good to see you back. Missed your rather interesting take on things.

But really, worshipping Satan? I thought you and Irritating_Mother were already close?
I wonder what Pat Robertson would say about all these disasters hitting the Bible Belt, while God leaves the heathens in Yankeeland alone?
You're right about Oklahoma being the armpit of, if not the universe, then at least the local group. And I am not surprised Satan is behind the whole thing. But I feel your theology might be better espoused in a somewhat quirkier place, say Fayetteville or Austin.

Just keep an eye on any second amendment neighbors, is all I'm saying.
Ahoy, mate! Dr. B. is back in town. Could not be happier.
Quite an interesting post I must say. And I do see your point, it seems wherever prayer is the highest, that's where catastrophe often seems to hit. Rated :)
And Satan's health plan is much better than God's health plan. Just sign your soul over and you'll never be sick another day (remember to read the fine print before you sign). Must be nice to leave for six months, first day back get an EP, and a 90+ rating. You know I like you Steve, but it's hard not to be a little envious.
RATED
I was just in NYC too, and apparently so was Satan. It was 95 degrees in early June. Satan gets around.
Or, you might go for a wider sample. Say, the Greek gods one year, then the Norse, then the Tahitian etc. Stop when you find some that treat you and your community better. Amusing post.
I've dreamed of seeing that title with 99 ratings! haha, I'm so happy to read you, Steve Blevins!!!
Perhaps this horrible series of calamities was touched off by your visit to those liberal northeastern cities and it stuck to your clothes. Throw them all away before its too late !
Welcome back, Steve! Now that's a title that grabs you.
Welcome back!! I've been checking your page when I need a Steve Blevins fix and was getting tired of the Freaky Troll essay, so I'm glad to see you're back in style though I'm sorry to hear about your spiritual dilemma. I think you've got the bases covered, though. May all the divinities keep you safe from floods, tornadoes, hail, locusts, pestilence, plague, frogs, boils, and all forms of biblical catastrophies!
HA! This solves a lot of problems for me, as a native Kansan (though I doubt that would count as the South). Great reasoning.
Calm thyself. The temptation is always great to romanticize a vacation venue -- hell, I want to move to EVERY place i've ever been to on a vacation. But heed the operative word here, son -- vacation.

When you face that three-hour drive in traffic to work every day in Manhattan or have to pony up $50,000 grand for a parking spot -- well, you catch my drift.

I know all this because I moved from overgrown, bespoiled Orlando to the mountains of East TN, to a tiny town that doesn't even have a traffic light. Is it heaven? Hell, no, we got crime and drugs and stupid people, just like the rest of the world. But I don't have to lock my doors at night, and I don't have to worry that my car will still be where I parked it downtown.

Oh, and people say hello, how are you, and really mean it.

As for Satan worship, as the High-Priest of the Church of Lost Causes and Souls, I grant thee a dispensation and a one-time get-out-hell-free card for resorting to hyperbole.
I believe in religious freedom...you need a pantheon...got to add some more gods and demons...
So brilliantly funny. I wish I could post it on facebook, but with a title like "I've decided to worship Satan" I would immediately be unfriended by dozens of my Orange County childhood friends. One minor quibble: Oklahoma is in the South? I thought it was the "Southern Plains." Anyway, the same theory applies. Brilliant piece!
Well, God does produce good results for the rest of us - you're back on OS!
I think you are covering all you bases, that can't be all bad.
I've missed you!
Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it. God does not cause these calamities, but He does allow them to happen. Have you ever heard the saying,” There are no atheists in a fox hole”? Have you ever noticed that sometimes the best in people come out in answer to these trials? If there were no troubled times, there would be no good times. More people turn to God at times of trouble than at any other time. Troubles and trials build character. You either cave in and come through weaker or you stand on the Rock and come through like a champion, not allowing yourself to be beat down. God WANTS to be there for you. You just have to ask Him. Lean on God and He will bring you through.

Earth is Satan’s dominion and his job here is to deceive as many people as possible because he hates God. The more people satan drags to the pits of hell, it is that many less going to be with God in Glory for eternity. The battle lines have been set and it is Earth. Satan tries to corrupt everything God creates, including people.

Heaven or hell, the choice IS yours. Choose wisely grasshopper. When you die, there are no second chances. If you think it is bad here, you definitely do not want to be in hell for eternity.
Yes Satan exists and channels through the Ogle brothers.
well, dontcha know. i go on vacation for a few lousy days and dr. steve makes his long-awaited appearance while i'm gone. crap. and my comment is No. 107? whoa. talk about an afterthought ...

hi-i-i-i-i-i, steeeeve! stick for a while, K? mwah.
I'm reminded of the story about Jean Jacques Rousseau, who while on his death bed refused last rites. The priest asked if he wouldn't at least forswear Satan and all his works. Rousseau is alleged to have replied "Father...at this late stage do you think I should be making any enemies?" I think if I lived in OK I might decide to lay off my bets, too. (But I do question your wisdom in going to New Haven for any reason.)
Excellent. I knew Manichaeism would make a comeback. Now I just need to set up a TV studio "church," put some greasy product in my hair and start blabbering some poorly translated verses from the original text. Cash in, Steve. The Evil/Darkness/Materialism force would be fully behind this.

Welcome back. Apparently I was the only one who didn't see you rejoin the party.
Interesting. For some reason I thought you were a Satanist from your very first post.
What a deliciously hilarious exploration of Good and Evil, the universe and everything. Fabulous writing, so masterful. I agree with everyone else, it is very, very lovely to 'see' you again.
It's questionable whether Oklahoma can be considered a "southern" state, IMHO. But for a discussion of both perspectives, see: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_United_States.

Either way, the Sooners are arguably the most hate-able team in college football, so the region has definitely captured Satan's attention, I agree...