Many of you have inquired about the writer's retreat at Mohonk Mountain. Sadly, I was unable to attend, but I managed to obtain a transcript of the opening session, which I'm sharing with you today.   

OS Writer's Group

Mohonk Mountain House

June, 2010

Front: Gail Walter, Nikki Stern, Maria Heng, Lea Lane, Jonathan Wolfman 

Back: Molly Lilly, Greg Correll, Steve, Jeremiah Horrigan

Writer's Retreat: Session 1 

Greg: Welcome to Mohonk, everyone. Hope you had a nice breakfast. I know you're looking forward to a fun afternoon on the lake, so let's get started. Each of you is an excellent writer, so we can skip the basics and talk about advanced techniques of writing. Specifically, I want to talk about tropes and schemes. As most of you know already, a trope is...

Maria: I know! I know! (Raises hand) A trope is a figure of speech in which there is a play on words.

Greg: That's right, Maria. That's exactly right. There are many types of tropes. One example would be...

Maria: I know! I know! (Raises hand) Metaphor. A metaphor is a trope that employs a literally inapplicable term to suggest resemblance.

Greg: Right again, Maria. A metaphor is a very important type of trope. And there are many others, such as...

Maria: I know! I know! (Raises hand) Irony. Irony is when words are used to convey the opposite of their literal meaning.

Greg: Very good, Maria. Irony can be very useful. It adds spice to writing. But let's not ignore the less commonly used tropes like...

Maria: I know! I know! (Raises hand)

Greg: I'm sure you do know, Maria, but in the interest of time, why don't you allow me to finish. We'll have plenty of time for discussion later.

Maria: (Pouts)

Nikki: Aren't you being a bit rough on Maria, Greg? She's full of ideas and has lots to offer. Besides, this isn't supposed to be a soliloquy.

Maria: (Brightens) A soliloquy is a discourse by a speaker who is talking to himself. 

Greg: (Perturbed) Actually, Nikki, I'm not engaged in soliloquy, as I am not speaking to myself. I'm speaking to others. 

Nikki: (Angry). Well, I don't give a rat's ass what you're engaged in. You're being mean to Maria and you should apologize.

Gail: "Rat's ass" is a metaphor, right?

Maria: Only if it's being used to describe Greg. In this case, it's just an invective.

Gail: What's the difference?

Maria: If Nikki compares Greg to a rat's ass, that's a metaphor. 

Gail: Then what's a simile?

Maria: If Nikki says Greg is like a rat's ass, that's a simile.  

Jonathan (to Lea): While these eggheads are arguing, why don't we take a stroll around the lake. You're looking lovely in the sun's early glow. (Puts hand on Lea's knee)

Lea: (Jumps up) FOR THE ONE HUNDREDTH TIME, JONATHAN: I'M MARRIED. NOW GET YOUR PAW OFF ME!

Gail: "Paw" is definitely a metaphor.

Maria: No, it's a metonym.

Nikki: Sorry, Maria, but that's incorrect. With metonyms, there is no transfer of qualities from one referent to another. Because Lea did intend to transfer the idea of brutishness to Jonathan's hand, we're not dealing with metonymy.

Maria: I don't get it.

Nikki: Okay, let's say Gail decides to kick Jonathan's ass. That's metonymy.

Maria: No, it's not. It's not even a trope. Kicking someone's ass is a literal description of an event.

Nikki: It's only literal if you're actually kicking the ass. If you're using "ass" to represent the whole body, it's metonymy. 

Maria: No, it's not. If "ass" represents the whole body, it's a synecdoche. 

Nikki: Yes! You're absolutely right. Sorry, my mistake. I was confusing metonymy with synecdoche. Thanks for correcting me. I think we have it straight now.  

Steve: Jesus. This is what happens when you invite a bunch of women to a goddam writer's retreat.

Everyone: (Stunned silence)

Lea: I beg your pardon? 

Steve: You heard me. I said: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU INVITE A BUNCH OF WOMEN TO A GODDAM WRITER'S RETREAT.

Everyone: (Stunned silence)

Lea: Steve, do you know what you are? You're an insufferable, duplicitous, sexist pig.

Maria: It's worth noting that "pig" is both a metaphor and a cliché.

Everyone: Shut up, Maria.

Molly: Is it true that all sexists must be turned in to fingerlakeswanderer?

Nikki: No, dear. That's an urban legend.

Steve: With women, it's just yappity, yappity, yap yap.

Lea: Well, at least we're not sitting in a corner, unconscious, hunched over a bottle of Jack Daniels. (Points to Jeremiah, who is sitting in a corner, unconscious, hunched over a bottle of Jack Daniels).  

Gail: This retreat sucks. I want a refund.

Greg: Really, Gail? You want a refund? I tell you what: I'll give you a refund. In fact, I'll give you all a refund. Because you know what? None of you should be at a writer's retreat. You should be counting ceiling tiles in a freakin' psychiatric hospital! (Storms out. Returns briefly to grab bottle of Jack Daniels from Jeremiah. Storms out again.)

Jonathan: (Exits, devastated by Lea's rejection)

Lea (to Steve): You've got five seconds to get your sorry ass out of here. One, two, three...

Steve: (Exits sheepishly) 

Nikki: Gee, I wonder what's eating the guys. 

Gail: I have no idea.

Maria: Me either.

Gail: Well, what should we do now?

Nikki: I guess we might as well do what we came here to do: Discuss Spenser's use of antanaclasis in The Faerie Queen. Ladies, open your texts...