Natalie K. Munden

Natalie K. Munden
Location
Here and there in Alaska & Montana, United States
Birthday
May 09
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I am a writer. I think.
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Sure. I'll make tea.
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I guess I have always been an accepting type of girl. Life is all about trying. Sometimes laughter is the only medicine. I am often, as I like to say, creatively confused. Although I am what some would describe as accomplished, I want to be a better being. I love as I try. • My work posted here is of course copyright Natalie K. Munden. • Oh, and did you know that some people take drugs in order to experience vertigo ON PURPOSE?

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SEPTEMBER 12, 2009 3:40PM

Frightening things at KFC/A&W - updated 06/27/10

Rate: 6 Flag

You saw the movie The Exorcist, right? Do you remember how terrifying it was every time Regan’s mother approached her daughter’s bedroom? You just didn’t know what she would find, what increasingly horrifying thing she would face when she went through that door.

Well, that’s sort of how my family feels when they go to KFC/A&W in my southwest Montana town, where I imagine priests and ministers of various faiths have stopped by on occasion. To eat, presumably -- but you never know. Something is always very wrong at KFC. Always.

You may wish to know what could be so wrong with a single, all-American eating establishment. You may not wish to know. You may not care because you don’t like fried chicken, crispy, original recipe or popcorn – which is actually salty, fried bread with the tiniest bits of chicken mixed in. The Devil is a deceiver, and I think popcorn chicken is one sly move because he tricks people, including parents with small, innocent children, into buying what is pretty much as close to non-food as I can think of .

But pointing out the obvious is not why I am writing. I simply want to tell you about some of the things that have gone wrong, really wrong, at my town's KFC/A&W so there is a record of some sort.

Any time any member of my family goes into the restaurant, and remember it is Kentucky Fried Chicken along with A&W, the clucking, seemingly confused crew says they are out of something. Now, some of these things are pretty important to running the business. They include:

 

Ø    Cooked chicken

Ø    11 herbs and spices (the chicken was there, but naked.)

Ø    Forks

Ø    Butter

Ø    Root Beer

 

Yes, root beer. When they told me that on a day I wanted to get a root beer float for Grandma, I exclaimed, “But you’re A&W! How can you be out of ROOT BEER?”

The girl with the headset on and the beady eyes that didn’t quite look at me straight on didn’t know; but, she said she was sorry, offered me some chicken wings that looked like they came from chickadees -- and handed me a biscuit as hard as a grave stone as her head slowly, with the crack, snap, crackling sound of itty, bitty bones, rotated 360 degrees before my very eyes.

My Dad was so pissed off one day when we went in there and were told it would be 20 to 25 minutes before any chicken was ready, that I told him I would write a letter to the company. When we returned home from Burger King I did, and submitted it to the corporate Web site. Less than an hour later, the latest friendly manager of the local KFC/A&W called to apologize and offered us a generous gift certificate worth something like $26.00, which I drove over and picked up at the drive-through window. I have to wonder how much of the earth’s fossil fuels have been wasted in cars, full of hungry people, idling in the drive-thru lane as they waited for the KFC crew to fry chicken. There really is no fast food at this KFC. In fact, it is possible that the fumes from over-heating vehicles make their way into the restaurant and cause the people who work there move even more slowly. They seem to think slowly too. It does not seem to occur to them to continuously prepare food.

We let some of the summer pass before we went back to the restaurant to redeem our certificate. There was no chicken in the chicken bins at the buffet. The manager had mysteriously disappeared. We left. Again.

These days, when we bravely walk in every once in a while just for the hell of it and if we’re in the mood to ask for a wet rag to clean off a table, we immediately ask, “Are you out of anything?” They are. Every single time. In unison, all of us promptly announce, “We’re out of here,” turn around and walk out. One of us usually tells the next guy in line, “One time they were out of forks.” We don’t wait for a reaction. We just pass on the information and leave. It has become a joke and almost a tradition as we head home to make a big salad.

Sometimes you just get in the mood for KFC and want to try to get some – but we have to walk through that door… and we never know what is waiting beyond it. Popcorn chicken? A priest eating popcorn chicken? The Devil throwing out kegs of root beer and boxes of forks?

It worries me.

 

06/27/10

A friend suggested we have a picnic on this beautiful day. Being an affable sort of person, I agreed -- and then one of us had the crazy idea of having KFC picnic like we did when we were young. I suggested we try the drive through before going to a park to enjoy our lunch at a picnic table  under the trees, where we could smell flowers and watch people play volleyball. 

We placed our order at the outside ordering system and waited for our turn to pull up to the pick-up window. 

When we got to the window, a darling-looking girl cheerfully leaned out and asked, "What was your order again?" 

I kid you not. 

 

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Our local KFC's food has gotten so bad that I don't ever take the chance that by some miracle they have improved. Popeye's for me!!
Our local KFC's food has gotten so bad that I don't ever take the chance that by some miracle they have improved. Popeye's for me!!
I wrote that story a while back. I'm told our local KFC/A&W has improved. By how much, I don't know! Thanks for commenting!
I far, far prefer Popeye's. It doesn't really seem to matter which KFC you go to, quality is typically an issue. It's breading is too thick and often the chicken is not done. Plus, the staff typically is indifferent no matter where you go.
I wish that they had not "con-joined" so many A&W & KFCs but with common ownership they find it cost effective to do that. Too bad, my grandparents owned an A&W for 30 years which I also helped manage for a couple of summers while in college.
The secret for you? Quit going there! I far prefer "grocery store" fried chicken and it's cheaper! KFC is actually kind of pricey but if you're not adept at frying chicken or oven frying it or broiling it, then I guess you have to go elsewhere--but Yeeeeechhhhh! KFC? No way.
A couple of odd stories to relate regarding KFC and their weirdness and haplessness, which is not contained by national boundaries - trust me.
Last winter on their giant outdoor sign they advertised a chicken sandwich/burger for 99 cents...it was called the Snackwich as I recall. And this outlet is just down the road from my house so
over a period of two weeks I must have gone in there 5 or 6 times to purchase a couple, only to be told, "Sorry, sir, we're all out."
On that last visit, out of exasperation I said to the counter girl. Why do you never have them every time I come here and she replied " Oh we have them every day sir, but there's a big demand for them and we usually run out after the lunch time rush.
Apparently both her and whoever ran this franchise were complete unaware of the obvious solution.

And just two months ago I used their drive-thru to order the Toony Tuesday special - this gets you two pieces of chicken and a side of fries for less than $3 . So I pull up to the window collect my order and hand the guy $5. He holds up the bill with his arm extended outside the window, and squints his eyes as though he's discovered a new way of looking at an eclipse. Then finally he looks at me and says, "I'm sorry sir, this bill is counterfeit."

I ask 'really?' as I fumble through my pants pocket for other cash and finally find another $5 bill and pass it along to him in exchange for the criminal one. He gives it the briefest of glances and declares it to be a "good one"

I look at the offending bill, it seems fine, just a bit wrinkled and I ask 'How could you tell?' and this guy he gives me a Barney Fife sort of sniffle - all arrogant like and says "Oh, I can always tell and that one was a terrible knock-off"

And I'm starting to think this guy is completely batty and to further prove this impression, after he hands me my change he suggests I bring the bill to any bank and they'll exchange it for a brand new legitimate one.
So I have to ask, " Are you saying that banks issue legal currency for counterfeits?"
And he replies " They have to sir because using counterfeit money is against the law"

Swear to god.

Anyway I drove to the nearest convenience store right away and used this obviously, totally illegal, bill to purchase a couple of colas. The woman there accepted my money without a second glance.

FOOL!

Obviously, she'd never cut it at KFC
You bust my gut "still loving it." (rated!)
Ah yes, popcorn chicken - one of my best items on a totally devilish KFC menu.
Angus,

You have utterly ruined my perfectly applied. Mascara. I'm still laughing. The kid at KFC probably was working at Lehman Brothers when it collapsed.
Walter,
I agree that it is best, and safer, not to go there. I should be eating salad anyway.. Thanks for reading!
Your line about that kid probably working at Lehman Brothers when it collapsed was hysterical. If I ever tell this story again, I'm using this as my concluding sentence.

And no, I will not be crediting you.

Thanks, though!
Angus,
Though it will take some of the excitement out of it for you, I give you permission to use my joke. I have lots of others, but those will cost you.

Already, I am enjoying being a part of OS very much. Any changes I should make?
Ah, grasshopper, you have wisely sought out my vast knowledge regarding the secrets of enhancing your OS experience.

HAW! That's like asking Dubya for elocution advice!

Yet, I'll take a stab at it. Why not?

Ok, tip number 1 - If you don't enjoy reading the work of others and ONLY come here to post, then you're going to be miserable here and will sour on this place in very short order. So many people show up here and for some crazy reason expect an immediate audience. And while many of these writers are talented, they just can't be bothered to do the necessary work to succeed.

Which leads directly into my second tip. Find the pieces you enjoy and then rate and comment- especially comment. And none of this praising complete crap...when you find this (and it's everywhere) hit that back button!

Trust me, right after you rate and compliment a terrible post, you'll start to feel dirty, as though you were covered in slime...I've made the mistake of doing this many times at the beginning, usually because it was written by a popular blogger and I wanted to fit in, you know - get myself some of that good ol' reflected glory.
And sure, I saw that the emperor was buck naked but he/she wasn't going to hear it from me!

And while we're on the subject, you remember that old saw 'If you can't say something nice, blah blah blah blah'? Well let that be your golden rule. Really.

And stay away from the constant personal battles that erupt here - not even to suggest that both sides tone it down. On this site nobody likes a peacemaker. You're better off choosing a side rather than take that route. As a rule the announced pacifists have twice as many enemies than the combatants - as they should.
Sanctimonious bastards/bitches!

Let's see what else?... Ok, how about post/comment ratio? I'm not sure what that number should be. Mine is right around 500 comments for every post but that's because I'm terrified of rejection and genuinely panic when complimented and sometimes even get angered...I mean really, you could tell me that my last post was sheer genius and was the best thing you've ever read and after a while I'd start to feel slighted because you didn't say it was the best thing you COULD ever read!

And I'm kidding, of course, but while we're on the subject, many of the better writers in here consider Bryan Harrison's piece, 'Sophie Wisniewski, Witch' to be hands down the best work ever published on OS...This is a MUST READ for you, by the way.

Oh yes, ratio, I'm thinking 30:1 would be about right.

As for the best way to peruse OS...Easy, stick with the most recent option- nothing escapes you this way- even the stuff that appears on the feed for 2 minutes and then disappears forever can be easily found using this method

And lastly if you're a poster here you definitely want to draw traffic to your blog and you get this by commenting, of course, and it might occur to you to seek out the popular blogs in order to get your name more 'seen'

But this NEVER works as far as I can tell. Instead, just find writing that you enjoy(Did I just circle back to tip two? Oh well, it bears repeating) and tell them exactly why, and many of those obscure, but talented writers, thrilled at this deserved attention will, in turn, seek out YOUR terrific stuff, thus ensuring that you get brilliant and entertaining comments on your blog..the number of comments, in itself, takes a backseat to quality of comments, of course.

OK I just thought of a few other things but this has probably gone on too long (I'll return tomorrow to collect my award from the editors for the longest, dullest comment award in OS history

And if you've stayed with me this far...thanks for listening and I'll talk with you soon.
Kate, I am here because of you. Still learning about OS. When I read a couple of your posts I just had to join in. I should also say I will not apologize for making you bust a gut. Everyone has their hobbies...
Lou,
Do you think chicken get goose bumps?
I should be more clear. Do you believe that chickens can get goose bumps? I mean really, not just from hearing scary stories.
Angus,

Thanks for the advice. When you began to talk about ratios I panicked for you see, I don't do math in public. Still, I am having a great time at OS reading posts, commenting, laughing, thinking, reacting, pondering. Again, it is nearly 2am and I am still here. This was not part of my plan!
KFC: See, I told you!

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,559580,00.html?test=latestnews
Today's news:

Police: Massachusetts Couple Beats Man at KFC Over Slow Order
Angus Mccflop posted a comment that I think blew my funny and somewhat disturbing KFC story out of the water.

Please read the comment (story) below!! I LOVE IT! - Still Loving It

A couple of odd stories to relate regarding KFC and their weirdness and haplessness, which is not contained by national boundaries - trust me.
Last winter on their giant outdoor sign they advertised a chicken sandwich/burger for 99 cents...it was called the Snackwich as I recall. And this outlet is just down the road from my house so
over a period of two weeks I must have gone in there 5 or 6 times to purchase a couple, only to be told, "Sorry, sir, we're all out."
On that last visit, out of exasperation I said to the counter girl. Why do you never have them every time I come here and she replied " Oh we have them every day sir, but there's a big demand for them and we usually run out after the lunch time rush.
Apparently both her and whoever ran this franchise were complete unaware of the obvious solution.

And just two months ago I used their drive-thru to order the Toony Tuesday special - this gets you two pieces of chicken and a side of fries for less than $3 . So I pull up to the window collect my order and hand the guy $5. He holds up the bill with his arm extended outside the window, and squints his eyes as though he's discovered a new way of looking at an eclipse. Then finally he looks at me and says, "I'm sorry sir, this bill is counterfeit."

I ask 'really?' as I fumble through my pants pocket for other cash and finally find another $5 bill and pass it along to him in exchange for the criminal one. He gives it the briefest of glances and declares it to be a "good one"

I look at the offending bill, it seems fine, just a bit wrinkled and I ask 'How could you tell?' and this guy he gives me a Barney Fife sort of sniffle - all arrogant like and says "Oh, I can always tell and that one was a terrible knock-off"

And I'm starting to think this guy is completely batty and to further prove this impression, after he hands me my change he suggests I bring the bill to any bank and they'll exchange it for a brand new legitimate one.
So I have to ask, " Are you saying that banks issue legal currency for counterfeits?"
And he replies " They have to sir because using counterfeit money is against the law"

Swear to god.

Anyway I drove to the nearest convenience store right away and used this obviously, totally illegal, bill to purchase a couple of colas. The woman there accepted my money without a second glance.

FOOL!

Obviously, she'd never cut it at KFC
angus mccflop
It was time again to try KFC. I had a request to bring take-out dinner.

The low-to-no transfat chicken was fine. The corn was done. The biscuits soft -- and the baked beans were baked.

But they left out the cheese curds...
Junk1: I know. I just don't get it.

Thanks for reading and commenting!