These past two Chicago mornings I woke to grey skies, intermittent rain and local high wind warnings with possible gusts of 60 mph.  Facing such conditions I'm sure our long-gone ancestors would make the decision to stay in their caves, toss more wood on the fire, gnaw on some mastodon leftovers and spend the rest of the day shtupping under a warm, furry hide.

Instead, I and a couple million others in Chicagoland had to face the elements just so we could go to work.  Trading our modern cave with our comforts and personal stuff for a fluorescent-lit cave dominated by alpha personalities not necessarily interested in the welfare of their artificial tribe members.

And we dare call those cavemen and women "primitives?"

Some years ago a study came out that concluded that the few hunters & gatherers tribes around these days have more leisure time than we sophisticated, techno-savvy rat racers.  As has been pointed out by many before, all this whiz-bang technology that was supposed to free up time has instead condensed our lives outside the workplace.

And we dare call ourselves "advanced?"

You and I know that the tipping point for all this "civilization" was the invention of agriculture.  It let the tribe leaders call themselves "kings," shamans became "priests," a few others created the arts and way too many stopped working all together to become bureaucrats.  The rest of us got the privilege to continue stomping in mud and shit to grow newly domesticated plants and figure out that goats make better farm animals than warthogs do.  Oh, and we learned to pay taxes, too.  Thanks for that.

Centuries went by.  Humans continued along with our kings, priests, artisans, and bureaucrats while the rest of us stomped in mud and shit and paid taxes.  The sciences were studied, which led to various technologies, including more effective ways of killing each other.  Thanks for that.

And because of all that extra food, more or less, due to agriculture, many more people were able to live very close together.  So many living so close in fact that cholera became the rage.  Who knew that drinking the same water that 1,000 of your neighbors just shit in would be bad for you?  Typhoid, pneumonia, tuberculosis ... hell, whatever passed for a routine bout of influenza.  Cram a bunch of people together in a small area with poor sanitation, why not?  Just pray harder in church for mercy, never mind the rumors of those people getting really sick, really fast along the Mediterranean seaports.  You know, where all those flea-infested rats from China jumped ship.  Really, what's the worst that could happen?  God will save us.  Or if He doesn't, there are plenty of Jews and other undesirables we can blame and persecute.  Unless you live in China.  Not many Jews in China, but plenty of other undesirables you can take your fears out on.

This is the species that God gave dominion over the Earth to?

Speaking of social diseases, just how did gonorrhea and syphilis originate?  Did these bacterium simple evolve in rhythm to generations of humans having a good fuck?  Or, I ask you, are these two "species jumping" diseases, something akin to Bird Flu.  Was there some asshole way back when who couldn't get laid, so he (and we all know it was a "he") took a sheep or a goat or ... name anything that would make a tight fit, caught the pox then passed it along, probably during one of the countless little wars kings were fighting with their priests' blessings. Were these originally nasty animal bacterium?

Unlike the bacterium Chlamydia trachomatis, whose only natural habitat is human cells.  So "Yea, us!"

Right, now where was I?  Yes, sleeping.  Sleeping and waking up naturally, feeling refreshed.  Like our long-dead ancestors rising at dawn to ready themselves for the morning hunt.  Civilized humanity has done many, many wicked, cruel deeds.  But how many of those base deeds have ruined so many peaceful moments as ... the alarm clock?   I'm not blaming the ancient Greeks for its invention, but contemporary sources wrote of Plato using some sort of water clock to noisily signal the start of his dawn lecture.  Which logically means that every student had to find a way to haul his ass out of bed during the wee hours in time for the lecture.  How does a student manage to do that?  Stay out all night drinking.  Or use an alarm clock.  2,500 years.  Students haven't changed.

Neither have those alpha personalities I mentioned in the second paragraph.  They love alarm clocks.  Alarm clocks let alphas force their artificial tribesmen and women to come to the fluorescent-lit modern caves at any hour of the day or night.  Unlike the halcyon days of pre-history when humans set their sleep by the cycles of the seasons and the rhythms of their prey.

So, you ask, given the chance, would I choose to join my antecedents in the caves or on the savannah, giving up the trappings of modern life, living a life within nature?

Oh fuck, no.  Why?  Two reasons.  Modern medicine & dentistry, and chocolate.  Most of those diseases I mentioned?  They can be cured now.  Along with lots of other things.  I had an appendicitis when I was 25.  The thought of my appendix bursting and me slowly, painfully dying as my body poisoned itself ... nope.  No thanks.  Modern medicine.  Good stuff.

Did pre-Mayans have chocolate?  I don't know.  Don't care.  I have it now in many delicious forms.  And I have modern dentists to help keep my teeth from rotting due to all the sugar in chocolate.  Chocolate - fine chocolate, with its melting point slightly below that of human body temperature, allowing the slow melting releasing subtle, rich flavor - humankind's greatest achievement.

As much as I'd rather stay in my cave and shtup under a warm, furry hide,  I have to wake up in dark, thanks to the evil alarm clock, trudge through crappy weather to catch a bus that may or may not show up on time, so I can drag myself into a fluorescent-lit faux cave so the alpha personality will give me baubles every two weeks.  I'm a modern man.