[This post was inspired by Jonathan Wolfman's post Jesus H Christ -- H? -- Where'd That Come From If you haven't read Jonathan's post, please read and rate it.  If you have read it, it's worth a repeat reading.]

Hank.  Jesus Hank Christ.

"Jesus" was a very popular name back in Jesus's time.  And like today, "Joseph" and "Mary" were also much used monikers.  Every block had at least one "Jesus, son of Joseph and Mary."  So, in the neighborhood, the various Jesuses were never called "Jesus."  It was simply too confusing.  Unfortunately, at this point in history, no one had invented middle names.  So for a lot of boys, the neighbors just pointed and shouted "Hey, you."

Interesting etymological sidenote:  As most know, Jesus Hank's father, Joseph, was a carpenter.  The family lived in a working class area of Nazareth.  In that neighborhood, Aramaic was spoken with an accent that resembles the modern New Jersey (or New Joisey) accent.  Hence to the outside listener, "Hey, you" sounded like "Hey, youse."  Or to the confused Greek traveling merchant, "Hey, Zeus."  When the confused Greek traveling merchant returned to Athens, he told his fellows that all those boys spelled their names "J-E-S-U-S," but it was pronounced "Heyzeus."  Because of this, the Spanish language was nearly formed 1,000 years before its historical evolution from Latin.

With all of the Jesuses running around and shouts of "Hey, you" echoing off the city walls, nicknames were inevitable.  Like most, nicknames were bestowed for any number of reasons.  There was physical appearance --  Jesus "Eight Toes,"  or a personal attribute like the gossipy Jesus "Grapevine,"  or the one who was caught a reputed five times fornicating a local Hittite woman named "Kriest."  Of course he was known as "Jesus 'Humping Kriest.'"

Biblical scholars and anthroponomastics enthusiasts have long debated why the Biblical Jesus was called "Hank."  Most research depends on the Apocraphal or Gnostic Gospels.  Much like comparisons among the generally accepted Gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke and John demonstrate, certain events of Jesus's life are told with contradictory elements.  The origin story of "Hank" is told in two of the least known Gospels written within Jesus's lifetime.  Or, at least, within Jesus's grand-nephews and nieces lifetimes.

The Gospel According to Fred tells of the boy Jesus wandering the streets of Nazareth trying to comfort those who appeared to be in distress.  Pretty much, this was a full time job with the Romans occupying all the good areas of town and beating the crap out of everyone else.  Young Jesus would walk up to an unhappy person and talk about His loving Father in Heaven, which earned a number of strange looks, but, hey, the kid's trying to do something nice.

One day Jesus goes up to a crying woman.  The woman explains that her husband has given some Romans his last fig.  He didn't realize that the fig was rotten (or maybe he did).  Either way, the Romans dug a hole, dropped the husband in the hole and buried him up to his shoulders.  Unfortunately, the Romans stuck the husband in the hole head-first, so the guy suffocated.  While ministering, the new widow's nose began running due to all her crying.  Jesus being ... well, Jesus ... He reached into His sleeve and pulled out a hankerchief.  Fred explains that Jesus's original nickname was "Hankerchief," which eventually was shortened to "Hank."

The competing story comes from the Gospel According to Wing Ho.  Even as a youth, Jesus demonstrated a remarkable palate for wine and not just the wine He made at weddings.  [Another sidenote -- because of His superb winemaking abilities, Jesus was in high demand as a wedding guest.  However, because of his age, everyone had to invite His parents also.  It's not that Mary and Joseph weren't liked in the neighborhood, the locals didn't care much for Mary and Joseph's occasional Holier-Than-Thou attitude.  That, in reality, they were holier than their neighbors escaped most everyone.]  Jesus had a miraculous knowledge of the Fertile Crescent vintages, including whether to serve a spicy Syrian or a bold Phoenician red with lamb kabobs.  Wing Ho quotes young Jesus, "Verily I say to thee, drink not of the Anatolina rosé, for surely thy lips will whither as the wine tastes of diseased goat's piss."  [Author's note:  whether this passage is an actual quote from Jesus continues to be controversial.]  With His knowledge in combination with His own heavenly water-to-wine mad skills, everyone else let Jesus pick the wine at meals.  Whatever Jesus wanted.  Whatever He was hankering for.  The call on the street became, "Hey, you.  You gotta a hank for this wine?"

Jesus "Hank" Christ.  Or as He signed contracts on behalf of Heavenly Father Holdings, Inc.:  Jesus H. Christ.