Dear Holiday Message Recipient,
Another year has come and nearly gone. We at the Stim household hope this message finds you and yours well.
As with every year, 2011 has been an eventful time for our family.
Our three kitties each became the face of a major brand of cat food, and have been appearing on the 9-Lives, Friskies, and Iams cans. It's about time these cute loafers start earning their keep (ha ha).
(actual Stim household cat)
(after a long day in the studio)
Giselle turned 18 in June, soon after finishing her junior year at Yale. Little did her mother and I know that Giselle took a jazz dance class last fall. This was her first dance class ever! As you may have seen, Daddy's little girl won So You Think You Can Dance after taking this one class. What you probably don't know is that after her winning performance Giselle was offered the prima ballerina position with the Bolshoi Ballet. So, it's off to Moscow for our swan. Fortunately, Giselle has been fluent in Russian since she was eight.
(Giselle "pointe"-ing her way to Moscow)
Jace is finishing up at Stanford, both his studies and his collegiate football career. We have our fingers crossed as Jace is the favorite for this weekend's Heisman Trophy. After setting NCAA records for both passing and rushing yards in a season, Jace has been getting a lot of attention from NFL scouts. He will likely be the #1 draft pick next summer. That is if he doesn't sign with a Major League Baseball team, as Jace is also considered the top collegiate hitter. Jace may surprise the pros though. He's seriously considering taking the Rhodes Scholarship to study at Oxford. His senior thesis on nanobot innovations is already making current technology obsolete.
(Jace all grown up)
Ms. Stim has been the busiest of us all. Thanks to her dual American-British citizenship, Ms. Stim is the first person to ever win both the Pulitzer and the Man Booker Prize in the same year, much less for the same book. Mrs. Whitingshouses's Left Nut has been #1 on the New York Times bestsellers list since publication. The controversial subject matter in Chapter 4 (you know what I'm talking about) has kept the conversation flowing during Ms. Stim's nationally syndicated, afternoon talk fest, The Chat. So, between afternoons on The Chat and mornings spent running her $50 billion hedge fund, Ms. Stim has been hopping.
(many people remark about how closely Ms. Stim resembles a young Catherine Denueve)
As for myself, well, I snagged another Nobel Prize. This one was for Physics, I think. That's three Prizes down, three to go for the sweep. I have a nifty twist on non-coordinatng anions and their use with homogeneous olefin polymerisation catalysts, which should nail the Chemistry Prize next year. I'm leaving the Peace Prize for last. One grand, negotiated cessation of war in a god-forsaken region and I'll be golden. There's always a messy border dispute somewhere just begging for a couple years of peace. Just enough peace to secure foreign investment.
(Santa's little elf)
I must get back to work. That Somali government isn't going to form itself.
Season's Greetings from the Stim Family.
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Comments
Here's my humble wish for you and yours:
I hope your whole family drinks expensive artisan eggnog contaminated with a new and deadly strain of e coli and you all collapse, writhing and in excruciating pain, while opening your lavish, outrageously pricey and totally unnecessary presents on Christmas morning under your 30 ft. designer fir tree that removes its ornaments, walks outside and plants itself in the meadow when the season is over.
And when it becomes apparent to your celebrity kitties that the four of you will never again crack open a can of cat food for them, I hope they feast on your remains.
Happy Holidays. Bitches.
Little Billy, our oldest, just graduated 3rd grade. We're so happy. He's the first in our family to get a higher education and he's only 32!! We're so proud of him!!!
Oh well.....that's it!!! Catfish almost done, come on over, after you're done writing your Nobel Prize winning speech!! :D
Happy holidays!
Oops, I should be exuding holiday cheer, not holiday churl.
Happy holidays, Stim.
This is hilarious. I'm left wondering how things went with the Town and Country spread on the house you designed, but perhaps you omit it for a reason...
As you know, i have certain theoretical difficulties with your anion work, but i shall put that aside for now & wish you and your family the best holiday season possible.
(shit. can't help it. g-damn u & yer anions. you KNEW i was close to a breakthrough in August when i got that plasma to study, but it just mysteriously disappeared one day, didn't it, buddy boy? )
Sorry. Your son and daughter are lovely, your wife is stunning, and you, sir, have some damn impressive felines. My cat, Boo, disappeared with all the plasma, but i have not given up hope yet. My son Uriah is coming out of his room once a day, twice if he remembers to take his meds, which i do not force on him. Although i DO grind them up in his mashed potatos sometimes. The boy loves mashed potatos, and also television.
My wife is holding her own, showing some hand movement and recognition of sound. We are having a lowkey christmas eve in her hospital room, me and her. Not Uriah, this year. He has plans of his own. He is a grown man now, with a life to live on his own terms, in his room.
Best, James.
ps. u got any extra plasma/?
No, of course that government won't form itself. :)
I'll never forget the time I met you and Mrs. Stim at the U.N. :)
I was there for the Save the Children gala that my friend Ingrid (from N.Y.U.) organized.
Might I say that you clean up nicely, all things considered. :)
Please send my best to your lovely wife and amazing children.
Happy holidays!
XOXOXO
You help me out?
I need a big grant.
Big drink! Yikes!
Please send Luck!
No mail Duck Swan!
Post Office say No quack.
May I use this as a`note?
I shall share as Hallmark.
`
With thee grants gift cash?
I'll research fat pot bellies.
Do 'Toffee' Chewers burp?
Do Chewing Help Weight?
Chewing WW2 Red Mule?
It cures Plutocrats of Lies.
I just can't get over what?
GI was given WW2 grub.
The one who has borne?
CEO be born in cow pie.
I took a nice short nap.
I got some lice too no.
I will email all fiends.
Happy Season to You.
Now You can make tofu.
We can chew toad foods.
goofy
it may be too much greens.
I ate mustard for breakfast.
It's better than Luck Charms.
General Mills kill kale greens.
LadyMiko - thanks.
Margaret - We designed our home so that an evergreen grows in our living room. It saves all the bother of hunting for a tree every year. Don't you agree? We also make our own eggnog from the fresh eggs laid by our award-winning hens.
John - thank you.
h-Julie - glad you enjoy it.
Abrawang - This whole overachieving racket is tiring.
Susan - Thank you for your well wishes. The movie adaptation of Mrs. Whitingshouses's Left Nut will be hitting theaters next Christmas.
Tink - Damn it. Your family always tops us. No matter what we do, your family goes further.
Linnnn - I do like a good solstice. Best to you.
Con - Screw the Higgs Boson. The universe is held together by masticated chipmunk particles.
Rob - My Fermat Prize awarded for re-imagining number theory is collecting dust in the closet.
Greg - We shall not speak of Town and Country. No. No, we shall not.
dirndl skirt - The dancing elves can be seen eight times a week performing at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas. The little sell-outs.
bpb - Every family has a down year.
OE - If only I were exaggerating.
James - You know from experience that scientific research is a full-contact sport. We've discussed Boo's "P Problem" before. You have our support.
Miguela - Not bragging. Just a casual mention.
Deborah - You're always pushing me to strive further. My thanks.
Ann - Thank you. Ms. Stim shipped the manuscript for the sequel, Mrs. W's Center Nut, yesterday.
DHSS - Ms. Stim returns your gracious greetings. We will never forget our meeting at the U.N. However, listening to Ban Ki-moon trying to belch out the names of all the member countries was not a highlight.
Art - "Plutocrats of Lies." An excellent title. I must check to see whether I won the literature Nobel yet. I'm glad to see that someone else enjoys mustard for breakfast.
Smithery - Seriously, you do not want to know about the Right Nut. Seriously.
Joan - We try. Our plastic surgeon tries harder.
Matt - We kind of need the drugs/alcohol since we don't have time to sleep.
Owl - We're just trying to survive.
flw - Thank you. I hate those letters, too.
cydkatie - our slacker friends win Peabodys.
ccdarling - The kitties are the stars of the show.
Algis - Thanks. The cats keep us humble.
Your little swan sure learns fast!
rated
As for Giselle, congratulations and all, but 8 seems a trifle old for someone to have JUST GRASPED the Russian language. You should have had her listening to Rosetta Stone CD's in the womb....
Happy Holidays to you and yours - especially those fine lookin' cats!
Erica - Thank you. We think of ourselves as a typical Middle America family. With royalties, the cats are bringing in more cash than the rest of us. They now expect fois gras for dinner.
Shiral - Giselle is a fast learner. You don't see many two-year olds playing tuba.
Larry - Caitlin and I are 7 1/5 cousins.
Froggy - Does the video have a tour guide?
BV - Fantasy Fest -- Is that where everyone dresses up as pants-less pirates? Me timber is shivering.
Happy Solstice!