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MARCH 12, 2012 7:31PM

Et Tu, Too: "Beware the Ides of March" Assassination Sale

Rate: 14 Flag

Dear Leadership of the Opposition Party/Resentful Populace/Oppressed Minority/Disaffected Fringe Group/Inner Circle Power Seeker,

 We're Et Tu, Too and we hear your rage against the ruthless dictator, [insert name].  For too long [insert same name] has savaged your people, crushed your dreams, and not appreciated what you bring to the table.  Your patience has ended.  Your people, your country, your political career advancement cannot wait for a miracle any longer.  [insert dictator's name] must die.

From your monitoring of underground shortwave frequencies to eavesdropping on covert dark alley meets, you know that when you need a Strong Man dispatched, you need to contact the specialists at Et Tu, Too.  Like Brutus and his conspirators, we slip the knife in when your oppressor least expects it.  We're quiet and efficient with none of the scattered "collateral damage" body parts that ruin your public relations campaign.

On March 15th, Et Tu, Too is celebrating its 16th Anniversary in the Tyrant Elimination business with a special Ides of March deal:  Buy a Head of State-level Removal Package and get a Cabinet Officer at half price.

That's right.  For a low, low price, you can achieve the political instability you need to make your attempt to seize power and bring the riches of justice to your ethnic group, ideological compatriots or simply to your personal bank account.  Plus you won't be worrying about a traitor in your squad, malfunctioning equipment or the downfall of many revolutions:  a complete incompetent failing at a key moment.

Now is your time.  The price is right.  Pull the trigger.  Take down your tyrant.  For your people.  For your children.  For yourself.  History will thank you.

Et Tu, Too:  Your means to your despot's end.

Sincerely,

Vice President of Sales

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Comments

Type your comment below:
And who do you suggest should be removed first?
I hope no one takes you up on this. LOL
I damned near choked to death on my Chobani strawberry yogurt laffing at this, making me your first victim...wait, you been talking to any hens lately?
Smart move to post under a pen-name Stim.
Do you have a subsidiary that handles plain old individuals -- bosses, perhaps, or family members?
Can you throw in a Ronco Rotisserie?
This is a great sale, but what I really need is a Director of Communications. When do those go on clearance?
I get a tote bag right? How do I swipe my credit card?
h-Julie - snicker.

Lea - Whomever the client says.

phyllis45's - Not likely. There's complicated secret handshake involved.

CM - Haven't talked with any hens, but have seen them run around with their heads chopped off.

Abrawang - My alias has aliases.

cydkatie - Family members are taken care of by the Black Sheep division.

Larry - It's Pocket Fisherman month now.

Muse - Et Tu, Too will off a Director of Communication gratis, just so we don't have to listen to them.

BV - Yes, a tote bag with the full color logo on it. Bright red blood dripping off a knife. Great conversation starter. Or ender. ETT took a credit card once. Turned out that the Minister of Justice had to investigate the hit. When it was revealed that the credit card was his ... boy, there were red faces all around.
Turn around and bend over a little, I'll swipe my credit card.
Stim,

I cannot help but admire your zeal for taking down tyrants. The price is right indeed. :)
Gabby - You're a crack commentor.

DoaHSS - Amortize the fee over the course of a few generations, the price is very reasonable.
I'd like to order a hit on my agent, please.

Sincerely,

Disgruntled Writer.
OMG...
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