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JANUARY 17, 2013 5:05PM

Dear Abby: Advice From the Afterlife

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Pauline Phillips, aka Abigail Van Buren, aka "Dear Abby," died Wednesday at age 94. Think of it as breaking into a new market.

Dear Abby,

I recently died. I followed the bright light to discover that, among my pre-deceased relatives who were there to welcome me to the afterlife, my creepy Uncle Joe somehow made it into Paradise. Do I still have to sit next to him during weekly family dinners?

Disappointed After Death.

Dear Disappointed,

According to Heavenly etiquette, children sit next to their parents during eternally long Sunday dinners. If you're still sitting next to your uncle, you may want to ask your mother a question.

Dear Abby,

During my days on Earth, the most popular girl in my high school stole my boyfriend from me. I took great pleasure some years after when I learned that she had become a fat whale of a woman. Last epoch, I was walking through Apostle's Square with my new male angel friend when I saw her. She looks like she did in high school! I could tell from the bulge in my male angel friend's white robe that he noticed her, too. He looked at me and said, "We're here to love everyone." It's happening all over again. What am I going to do?

Shocked Seraphim

Dear Shocked,

That your rival has her high school figure shouldn't be a surprise to you. In the Afterworld we appear as we did during our best-looking days. As an aside, do not be in the same cafe when Nefertari and Helen of Troy are having their weekly tea together. Even the most celibate Holy Man won't notice you. Your male angel friend is right. We are here to love everyone. Suggest a threesome.

Dear Abby,

Sometime ago (it's hard to tell time in Heaven; it might have been decades ago or yesterday), I was sitting on a cloud practicing my harp when this shabby being stormed over to me, broke my harp, called me an asshole and said that I ruined his eternal life. First, I never knew we could call someone an "asshole" in Heaven. I was flummoxed. This being then told me that he had been my guardian angel. He turned his back on me for a moment to have a quick smoke just before I was smashed crossing the street by the truck that killed me. He said that my death just proved everything he'd written in his reports to St. Peter; that I was too stupid to live anyway. But since I died on his watch, he now has to spend eternity cleaning the Heavenly Sewer System. I feel badly for him, but I was the victim. If I see him again, what should I do?

Hovering Harpless

Dear Harpless,

Ex-guardian angels are a bitter group of higher beings. Do your best to avoid him. He will spend forever blaming you for his shamed condition. However, next time, look both ways before crossing. So you know, in Heaven, you can tell someone to "go fuck yourself." However, you will likely be called before the Almightly. Being sent to Purgatory for a few hundred thousand years is never fun.

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religion, death, heaven, dear abby

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Really enjoyed your clever post.
A bit macabre but you seemed to enjoy the medium! R
Lee - Thank you. I'm happy you enjoyed it.

Marilyn - I enjoy the medium and slipping a bit of the macabre into it.
Oh my God. I have just one word for your post: syndication.
I'm with Margaret on this one..... syndication for sure!

Update: Purgatory is now shut down. It was decided that, instead of a few hundred thousand year in purgatory, sending folks back to live one lifetime as a poor person in the USA was sufficient punishment for any misdemeanor.

Margaret - I hear that the Holy Ghost Picayune is looking for a columnist.

skypixieo - Was Purgatory shut down or foreclosed upon? The real estate bust was a transpiritual event.
i can't think of a better way to put it than 'breaking into a new market'. Respect!