In a surprising revelation, scientists at the National Institute of Health said today that they have found positive and extensive test results showing that audio ads on blogging websites cause brain lesions in the vast majority of site users.
"Not only are the ads annoying," Dr. Wilbert Dimply said, squinting into a phalanx of cameras, "but they appear to be linked in study after study with the development of large, squishy tumors directly behind the frontal lobe. These can go unnoticed for years, until one day it suddenly becomes difficult to walk, or talk, or put on a hat."
The startling discovery has been backed up by several experts who studied the long-term effects of advertising on IQ rates in American and Western European populations.
"Subtracting for educational differences...," Dr Linda Voorhees concluded at a press conference to announce her upcoming article to be published next month in Nature. "There is a direct, causal link between being exposed to this sort of thing and dying a horrible, excruciating death. It's as if the patient rotted from the inside out of their skull. The screams are the worst part. Oh, the screams..." She shuddered.
The studies also reveal that many people are already ill and may not know it.
"Perhaps twenty, thirty percent of their brain mass is squishy pulp," said Dimply. "But they think they're fine. They can work and reproduce and everything. It's horrifying."
Who's to blame?
That's right. Kerry Lauerman is entirely to blame.
"Oh, yes," Dr Voorhees said, "he's an asshole. It's like dealing drugs to preschoolers. Somebody should do something."