Grandma Bea spent the last 25 years of her life drinking too much, complaining about black people and misquoting movies.
She had a tremendous gift for causing chaos using an economy of words. She often said things like "Even though you don't love me I made you dinner." While everyone ran around insulted and worried about what she would say next, I always stayed near by just waiting for the next zinger. I always found her incredibly...funny.
Because of proximity to Grandma Bea I learned how to cook. Cooking according to Grandma involved being put out and feeling terribly unappreciated. She sat at the kitchen table and barked orders that I followed. Every tiny mis-step caused her great pains that she expressed with comments such as:
"How are you ever going to get a husband if you cut onions like a __________" (insert any horrific ethnic slur here. Grandma was quite openly hostile to everyone unlike herself.)
When greatly displeased she slammed a wooden spoon on the table, as I struggled not to giggle. Whatever terror she was trying to instill was ruined over and over by my stubborn insistence that she was the funniest person on the planet. I can vividly remember being about seven or eight and making scrambled eggs under her direction. She started yelling about how I was a dumb little girl because I tried to use the wrong spatula to mix the eggs in the frying pan. I yelled back she was lazy for making a little kid cook breakfast.
It made her incredibly mad. She lit a cigarette fuming and puffing. We yelled at each other for a while. As I stood on my stool mixing the eggs Mom peeked in to see what was going on and tried to scurry away before Grandma sniped her. It was too late.
"Your terrible child called me lazy!"
"Grandma called me dumb!"
Mom stood between us and looked disgusted. "After breakfast I'm going to K-mart without either of you." Grandma Bea stared at her, and finally said. "Good, we can finally watch Price is Right in peace. Then I'm taking my grand-daughter for lunch without you."
Grandma Bea's Insulting Perfectionist Pasta
1 12-16 ounce box of pasta (I use Quinona a corn based pasta these days)
1 pound of shrimp
1/2 pound of spinach
1/2 cup butter
6 cloves of garlic
1 small onion
1 small lemon
1/2 cup of roasted red peppers
1/4 cup white wine
Sprig of parsleysalt
pepper
Start with a perfectly clean kitchen.Remember to clean and wash your hands as you go. Take out all of the ingredients you will be using and place them on the kitchen table so Grandma can assess if they are adequate to make the meal. She will sigh and complain about something, perhaps the shrimp aren't the right size or possibly she'll think the lemon you are planning on using is ugly. Also take out all of your cooking utensils, pots etc. Be ready to rewash perfectly clean pots in case Grandma is still upset about how that morning's Showcase Showdown worked out.
Prep-work
1. Rinse and sort spinach and set aside in the colander. Do this first to help ensure the leaves are dry when cooking, which is ironic because they will soon be steamed. This is a good point to argue if you want to start fighting with Grandma early in the making of dinner. Also take the butter out of the fridge and set aside on the counter so it can start to soften.
2. Take out the cutting board and prepare your foods in the following order only using one knife and one cutting board. If you go out of order you may need to use additional utensils and that's wasteful.
Cooking
2. Take out the cutting board and prepare your foods in the following order only using one knife and one cutting board. If you go out of order you may need to use additional utensils and that's wasteful.
3. Mince the garlic. This involves cutting garlic into uniform pieces. If you don't do it right, you'll have to do it again. If you aren't sure it's helpful to look at pictures of minced garlic online, and if you failed to do it correctly and don't have a cantankerous old Sicilian lady handy take a moment to berate yourself.
4. Dice the onion. Dicing yields pieces roughly 3 times the size of mincing. After peeling, cut the onion in half, length-wise. Never ever cut the onion in such a way that the halves are lopsided or someone nearby might sigh and ask if you are intentionally ruining dinner.
4. Dice the onion. Dicing yields pieces roughly 3 times the size of mincing. After peeling, cut the onion in half, length-wise. Never ever cut the onion in such a way that the halves are lopsided or someone nearby might sigh and ask if you are intentionally ruining dinner.
5. Grate about a teaspoon of lemon zest, be advised real cooks don't need to use measuring spoons they can look at a quantity of something and know it's enough. Cut the lemon in half. Juice one half into a serving cup, then the other. Set aside to allow the pulp to settle in the cup.
6. Fill one half of the sink with water and ice. Fill the other half of the sink very clean cold water and the shrimp. Each shrimp must be shelled and deveined under running cold water and clean shrimp must be transfered to the water/ice sink perfectly clean. If grandma sees even the tiniest bit of shell in the ice sink she will come over exasperated and tell you to start over.
7. Once the shrimp are clean, give them a final rinse and pat them down with paper towels.Cooking
1. Place the water to boil. While you are waiting for the water to boil clean the kitchen and or set the table. If you are over 13, now is a good time to have a glass of wine with grandma if Mom isn't around, however you must keep working between sips. When the water starts a hard boil pour in the pasta.
2. Put the saute pan on medium and add half of the butter. Keep the pan moving as the butter melts, coating the bottom of the pan. Once the butter is melted add the garlic and the other half of the butter. Why do it like this? Because Grandma says so. She's 50 years older and knows better. That's why. Argue about this anyway, because you can't help yourself.
3. Once the other half of the butter is melted add the onions and turn the heat to medium high.
4. Keep stirring, do not allow the butter to brown. If this looks like it might happen take the saute pan off the burner for a few seconds. But don't turn the heat down. Keep stirring until the onions start to clarify.
5. Add the shrimp in a single layer in the bottom of the pan for one minute. Use this one minute to check in on your pasta and do whatever cleaning or table setting is needed.
6. Turn the shrimp over and cook for 2 minutes. While the shrimp are cooking, set the colander with spinach in the clean sink. Take out the roasted red peppers and parsley. Note you will be ripping these be hand, because
7. When the shrimp are done cooking, set aside on a cool burner.a. that's how you're supposed to do itb it makes the dish more flavorful.c. stop asking stupid questions
8. Pour the pasta into the colander with the spinach, the spinach will slightly blanche as you drain the pasta.
9. Pour the spinach and pasta into a giant serving bowl. Add the shrimp and garlic butter. Stir well.
10. Add 1/4 cup of fresh lemon juice and zest. Stir well.
11. Tear up roasted red peppers and stir some more.
12. Keep stirring, because it will help your bosoms grow. Don't complain or you'll be flat-chested like your cousin. (Try not to let Grandma see you're laughing, it's better if she thinks you're shaking because you're crying. Frequently wipe your eyes. This makes her think she's "won.")
13.Tear up parsley and stir well.
14. Salt and pepper to taste.
Serve immediately to your family who will never appreciate the time or effort that went into making the meal. Grandma will complain about something that didn't turn out quite the way she would have done it. Feel free to argue back while everyone sits in horrified silence. When no one is looking she'll be smiling at you in her mischievous way letting you know that she's secretly pleased.
This recipe is always delicious, and can easily be modified for different tastes and created by children as young as 11 under close nagging, laughter and supervision.
As I get older my mother frequently comments how much I look like her. I miss that feisty little old lady and wish she was still around to tell me what I'm doing wrong.
TIP:
Enter the amount, and click "Tip" to submit!
Jonathan Wolfman
Ronald Allan
Duane Gundrum
Amy A
Anna Voy
RARobertsJr.
Salon.com
Comments