This one is for GreenHeron - Is there something that you knew about yourself when you were a child, a bit of authentic self wisdom that you lost, then found again as an adult?
Yes!
When I was a little girl I believed very strongly that I would grow up to be a veterinarian-astronaut-fire fighter-ballerina. I fully visualized what it would be like as a kid. I saw myself helping animals on fire in space while I plied on point.
In the second grade I revealed my life's goal in front of my whole class. I was so happy to share my vision of the future with everyone.
I brought props. I cut out tear drop shaped fire from pieces of red construction paper. I taped some "fire" to a stuffed animal while wearing a plastic fishbowl on my head. I danced around and told everyone what I would be doing as future me.
At first there were giggles as I started talking about being a veterinarian-astronaut-fire fighter-ballerina. Soon there was hysterical uncontrollable laughter. In one soul crushing look of from my teacher it dawned on my that this thing I wanted was not possible.
I don't remember the presentation ending or collecting my things. I don't remember anyone else's show and tell. I just sat there horrified.
At some point Mrs. H came over and whispered "stay inside with me during recess." I was terrified. I clearly remember everyone leaving and manically drawing stars on a piece of paper as I waited at my desk.
The classroom emptied. Mrs. H just sat at her desk and smiled at me.
"That was so creative! Why do you feel bad?"
I was silent. Everyone laughed at me. I didn't have words, I didn't even make eye contact.
She launched into a description of creative people. She mentioned lots of people I never heard of and it made me feel even more lost. She was excited and told me how I was lucky. I looked up from making stars. Our eyes met and she smiled.
Then she said it.
"I'm lucky to have someone as weird as you in my class. You're eccentric."
I didn't know what it meant, but it sounded like a compliment so I thanked her. She had a plaque on her desk that said "Second graders are weird!" The plaque had a smiley face. I had seen it everyday and felt a sense of acceptance.
I asked her about the plaque, and soon enough we were talking about why she thought animals probably don't need firefighters. I suggested different ways she was wrong. I was an expert, having seen Bambi, so I had lots of examples. She and I laughed a lot and she said it again. "Eccentric!" That's when I knew, as much as I knew I wanted to be a veterinarian-astronaut-fire fighter-ballerina, that being eccentric was a good thing.
Sadly I didn't spend the ensuing years with a plastic fishbowl on my head, and eventually grew up to be someone who wanted to be somebody. I spent years keeping my crazy thoughts to myself, trying, like everyone who grows up, to be exactly like everyone else. I never quite managed to do this. I tried hard and in trying lost a lot of the natural shine that sparked through when I was a little kid.
In my senior year of college I was sitting outside my building, panicking about the future and looking at the stars. Some girls I knew were walking around campus drunk and yelling. We were all graduating in just a few days. One girl yelled out "I'm a fucking first grade teacher!" Another girl yelled "Copy Editor!" They were laughing and having fun. Someone yelled "I don't know what I am, but I know I'm drunk."
In my mind I yelled "I'm a veterinarian-astronaut-fire fighter-ballerina!" and I haven't looked back since.
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Comments
Why do we have to be so compartmentalized? Why can't we be veterinarian-astronaut-ballerina-firefighters? Why not?
See it all works out!!
~r~
R
Eleanor Roosevelt, 'This Is My Story,' 1937
So, no one can tell you who you are (or aren't). Maybe you are a born veterinarian-astronaut-fire fighter-ballerina, with a day job. like most artists.
Excellent post. Good writing. Good reminder. Thank you!
(Fun, fun post!)